Some people believe that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. Others believe that formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing Some people believe that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. Others believe that formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

  • LeungYeeFong
    University: South China Agricultural University
    Nationality: China
    May 11, 2020 at 3:03 pm

    Some people believe that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. Others believe that formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

    Formal education has been a teaching method which is used frequently from primary to high school. It is natural that people may disagree over such a controversial method and discuss formal education due to their different experiences and values. I partially agree with the statement that formal education restrains our minds and spirits which is opposed to the aim of education. My viewpoint is based on the following reasons and examples.

    On one hand, formal education which means to teach the same knowledge and blindly pursue scores could confine the imagination and spirits. Wherever you are studying, tantamount teaching materials are distributed to students and teacher, so that teachers keep imparting identical knowledge again and again. Also, “teach to the tests” has already been a common phenomenon in formal educational field, hoping to raise achievement test scores. In the process, they overlook dimensions of school that are difficult to quantify, such as creativity and critical thinking. Score is almost the only indication of the quality of formal education, as a result, education ultimately become the shackles of one’s overall development physically and mentally.

    On the other hand, to some degree, it helps serve to provide the society with conscientious and enterprising citizens. Given uneven education level, people who have little education, even illiteracy will probably impede the advance of society. Formal education imparts students with the skills that enable them to assimilate vast amount of knowledge that will occur to them. Apart from having the ability to solve the basic problems, people can improve themselves with the fundamental formal education. Only does citizens’ quality reach a higher degree of education through formal education, society development could be quicker and better.

    It is necessary to adhere to formal education, not the stubborn one, but that one could discard its dross and select the essence. We should broadly implement the rudimentary formal education to ensure the diffusion of elementary education. Meanwhile, it is indispensable to encourage students to think dialectically, cultivate their spirits of criticism and questioning as well. Therefore, everyone is possible to get the chance to become a creative, autonomous, inquiring person who has the will and intelligence to create his/her own destiny.

    To sum up, due to the aforementioned reasons, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than single of them. We may safely arrive at the conclusion that although formal education sometimes stifles our minds and spirits, it could also help us achieve a normal world outlook and be the bedrock of our own development.

    May 13, 2020 at 8:36 pm

    Score: 40.6

    Issues:

    1. About 55% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

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    You need to REWRITE all sentences to make them clear. I will use the first paragraph as an example.

    (Formal education has been a teaching method) [  Here, readers don’t know what Formal Education refers to and how Formal Education could be a Teaching method ] which[ inappropriate pronoun  ] is used frequently [ wrong word  ] from primary to high school. It [ IT fails to clearly echo a singular noun in the prior sentence.] is natural that people may disagree over such a controversial method[? You didn’t talk about any controversial method.   ] and discuss formal education (due to their different experiences and values) [  unclear ] . I partially agree with the statement that formal education restrains our minds and spirits [punctuation error   ] which is opposed to the aim of education. My viewpoint is based on the following reasons and examples.[ readers expect you to summarize reasons here.  ]

     

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.