Reply To: These days, children spend more time on doing homework or participating in organized activities related to school or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want.
TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. › TOEFL Writing › These days, children spend more time on doing homework or participating in organized activities related to school or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. › Reply To: These days, children spend more time on doing homework or participating in organized activities related to school or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want.
University: University of Wisconsin
[input an “indent” when beginning each paragraph]As our burgeoning education industry grows by leaps and bounds, education [form error] institutions and parents are setting numerous rigid regulations for children to meet, aiming for equipping our next generation with competitive edges. Such a trend is devastating for its deprivation of youth’s creativity and independence. Thus, I strongly advocate that children (should be given) [tense issue] more time to do whatever [change “whatever” to what] interests them the most.
[indent needed (tab button on keyboard)]To begin with, creativity (sprouts as) [unclear/wordy ] allowing [verb form, tense] children to explore interests. (It is universally acknowledged) [ tense problem ] that creativity (plays a key role) [ wordy/use one verb ] in the development of our society. However, our society is losing its creativity. For instance, attributable to the rigid exam-oriented education system, an avalanche of cookie-cutter graduates who rarely possess creativity warms into the job market. As a result, the development of our nation will reach to blind alley soon, [punctuation error] if our education system still turns a deaf ear to such an urgent issue. Thus, giving children more time to explore is an excellent opportunity to cultivate their creativity.
[indent needed]Besides [add subject to make it clearer for the reader], allowing children to explore their interests helps them learn how to manage their own life. The earlier [missing some connecting words] to allow them to make their own decision, the easier [subject required] for them to develop independence. I myself [find a better way to rephrase “I myself”] am a good example. When I was in primary school, my mother signed me up for painting club, school chess, and a bunch [replace “bunch” with a formal word] of extra courses. But [A sentence should never start with “But”] she never forgot to empty the whole Sunday afternoon so that I could manage my own time. I usually divided it into two parts – reading and playing games. Nourished from the aforementioned experience, I grow the habit of determining my own schedule and learn to be independent [This sentence shows two types of tenses. Either choose past or present].
[indent needed]Some people may argue that doing homework and participating in school-related activities make it possible for the youngsters to embrace the most promising future, but isn’t [avoid contractions in formal writing] it too early for our kids to step on the perfectly right track and live a perfectly planned life?
[indent needed]In conclusion, although [“although” makes it sound unsure, try removing the word] homework and school-related activities have an impact on the kid’s growth, [one sentence outlining the thesis or your point, remove punctuation] leaving them [fix tense and add “this” or state the problem] with spare time to explore their interests can benefit our next generation in the long run. [make the conclusion statement a bit longer. Conclusion statements should cover a thesis statement and brief explanation of the point mentioned above].