Reply To: Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.
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University: University of Wisconsin
I agree that celebrities should have more privacy because they lack it[ add more concrete information here ]
severely nowadays[ redundant ]. In public life, ordinary people[coherence suffers as a result of subject change ] are eager to peep (the lives of celebrities)[wordy/use 2 words ]. However, this[ unclear pronoun ] greatly[vague adverb ] damages the well-knowns[ improper word to replace celebrities ] and the[article error/article is NOT needed before a collective noun ] society.
[ Missing a transitional word ](Privacy gives the celebrity time to charge themselves)[ unclear ]. They present themselves best in front of the public while[ word choice ] after the show they feel tired and need rests
both mentally and physically[ any rest other than mental and physical relaxation? ]. Why can’t we let them own their personal time? Privacy[ repetition ] helps them to relax themselves no matter[ either ] by means of rest or entertainment. [ transitional word missed ]They can spend time (improving their shortcomings)[ how do you improve shortcoming? make it worse? shortcoming cannot be improved ] and come back to the stage in a better condition. Emma Watson, the famous British actress[ punctuation error ] was a student at Brown University for further education. If her privacy was[grammatical error/subjunctive ] interfered seriously[ misplaced adverb ] during that period, she could[grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] hardly learn well [ vague – improve performing skills ]and play (better roles)[word form error ] in later[ spelling error ] movies.
[ Missing a transitory word ]Adequate privacy provides the celebrity with physical security. To dig out more privacy from the celebrities, a new career[ change of subject ] called Paparazzi (came up)[ wordy – emerged ] and harmed the celebrity[repetition ]. One notorious example is[ tense error/ dull Be verb (replace it with a concrete verb) ] their [ unclear pronoun ]chasing after [redundant word ]Princess Diana, causing [/that led to ]a severe car crash
and the death of [that killed ]the former Princess. This would never happen if the paparazzi give[ grammatical error/subjunctive ] more privacy to the celebrity[ wrong word ].
Considering (the situation)[ unclear ] from the perspective of normal people, we still need to protect their [unclear pronoun ]privacy. If famous entertainers and athletes lose [grammatical error ]their privacy, the privacy of ordinary people will [ grammatical error ]gain less respect. There have been cases that ordinary people’s personal information being sold among[ wrong preposition ] illegal organizations. This [ unclear pronoun ]might cause our loss of money or even life (if taken advantage of by the criminals)[ grammatical error/unclear ]. (There will be a bad atmosphere that)[redundant/avoid using there…be ] nobody’s privacy deserves (to be protected)[ passive/unclear ] unless
we recognize the celebrity’s[ inconsistency/celebrity – celebrities ] privacy is worthy[word choice – respected/relished ].
[ lack of transitional word ]Privacy is protected by the[ article error ] law as well as morality. Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy so that society will respect individual’s privacy more.