Reply To: Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Reply To: Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

University: University of Wisconsin
January 22, 2021 at 8:30 pm

I agree that celebrities should have more privacy because they lack it[ add more concrete information here  ] severely nowadays[ redundant  ].  In public life, ordinary people[coherence suffers as a result of subject change   ] are eager to peep (the lives of celebrities)[wordy/use 2 words   ].  However, this[ unclear pronoun  ] greatly[vague adverb   ] damages the well-knowns[ improper word to replace celebrities  ] and the[article error/article is NOT needed before a collective noun   ] society.

[ Missing a transitional word  ](Privacy gives the celebrity time to charge themselves)[ unclear  ]. They present themselves best in front of the public while[ word choice  ] after the show they feel tired and need rests both mentally and physically[ any rest other than mental and physical relaxation?  ]. Why can’t we let them own their personal time? Privacy[ repetition  ] helps them to relax themselves no matter[ either  ] by means of rest or entertainment. [ transitional word missed  ]They can spend time (improving their shortcomings)[ how do you improve shortcoming? make it worse? shortcoming cannot be improved  ] and come back to the stage in a better condition. Emma Watson, the famous British actress[ punctuation error  ] was a student at Brown University for further education. If her privacy was[grammatical error/subjunctive   ] interfered seriously[  misplaced adverb ] during that period, she could[grammatical error/subjunctive voice   ] hardly learn well [ vague – improve performing skills  ]and play (better roles)[word form error   ] in later[ spelling error  ] movies.

[ Missing a transitory word  ]Adequate privacy provides the celebrity with physical security. To dig out more privacy from the celebrities, a new career[  change of subject ] called Paparazzi (came up)[ wordy – emerged  ] and harmed the celebrity[repetition   ]. One notorious example is[ tense error/ dull Be verb (replace it with a concrete verb)  ] their [ unclear pronoun  ]chasing after [redundant word   ]Princess Diana, causing [/that led to   ]a severe car crash and the death of [that killed   ]the former Princess. This would never happen if the paparazzi give[ grammatical error/subjunctive  ] more privacy to the celebrity[ wrong word  ].

Considering (the situation)[ unclear  ] from the perspective of normal people, we still need to protect their [unclear pronoun   ]privacy. If famous entertainers and athletes lose [grammatical error   ]their privacy, the privacy of ordinary people will [ grammatical error  ]gain less respect. There have been cases that ordinary people’s personal information being sold among[ wrong preposition  ] illegal organizations. This [ unclear pronoun  ]might cause our loss of money or even life (if taken advantage of by the criminals)[ grammatical error/unclear  ]. (There will be a bad atmosphere that)[redundant/avoid using there…be    ] nobody’s privacy deserves (to be protected)[ passive/unclear  ] unless we recognize the celebrity’s[ inconsistency/celebrity – celebrities  ] privacy is worthy[word choice – respected/relished   ].

[ lack of transitional word  ]Privacy is protected by the[ article error  ] law as well as morality. Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy so that society will respect individual’s privacy more.