Reply To: The extended family(such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.
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University: University of Wisconsin
Some people still have an extended family[ , ] and[ they ] seem to live a happy life. Nevertheless, (it is my opinion)[ wordy-make it shorter ] that extended family is [ use a concrete verb to replace BE verb ] (out of time)[replace with one verb ] for (the following reasons)[ summarize reasons here ] .
nowadays people tend to live in other cities or even other countries because of work or study. [poor connection with the thesis ] They[ logical confusion: they tend/intend to… meaning they could still expend lots of time with families/friends ] only [ misplaced word ] spend a little time with their families, which means the most essential function of the extended family—communication with more relatives loses its value[resulting in less communication with family members and relatives ] . For example, I study (in another city)[ confusion ] , and [ use another coordinating conjunction to form better coherence ] I (come back)[use one verb ] home only in summer and winter vacation[word form error ] . Furthermore, I can only meet my parents when they get home from work, and thus, I have less time to communicate with them, let alone other relatives.[irrelevant ]
In addition, the (developed internet)[confusion/word form ]
makes it more convenient and much easier to get in touch with [helps to facilitate communication with ] our relatives. (Everyone has a mobile phone[how is it related to the internet? ] )[ absolute statement ] by which we[ inconsistency/everyone-we ] can [ readily ] contact our relatives whenever we want and wherever we are[ wordy ] . Therefore, we don’t have to live together at all. If we need[ grammatical error/subjunctive ] to ask our grandparents or uncles about something, we can[ grammatical error ] utilize the [article error ] socializing[ word form error ] software to send them a message. For instance, I have a cousin of my age, and we often chat about our hobbies, our courses and something like that[., etc. ] . It[unclear pronoun – use noun/noun phrase to rewrite the sentence ] (takes me a few seconds to send a message and another few seconds to get a reply from him)[ wordy ] , and it[/this ] seems like we are talking face to face in a house.
another reason causing the extended family to be less significant is the convenient traffic[the reduced importance of an extended family also relates to convenient transportations ] . In the past, people spent a large part of their life on the way. It[ unclear pronoun ] takes[ tense error.. in the past ] them quite a few[ lengthy ] hours or even days to visit their relatives living in another city. However, this can[ would ] never happen today. I have an uncle who works in another country. One time, we[who are we? In the context, we = my uncle and I ] went to visit him by plane, and it only took us 8 [ eight ] hours from our home to get to his apartment. [ lacking a transitional word ] Convenient traffic causes the extended family to be less significant, [punctuation error ] since it eliminates the[ toils of ] long-time journeys[ a long-time journey ] .