At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

February 29, 2020 at 3:15 am

Score: 58.2

Issues:

  1. More than 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
  2. More than 10% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

Nowadays some countries have more young adults than older people. For most nations that have faced [ are facing ]a [article rror  ]severe aging problem (like China and Japan)[misplaced words  ], I hold the view that this situation bears relatively more advantages.

At first, Young [ spelling error ]adults can prompt economic development. Because the youth are more reliable working forces[absolute statement  ], they can help generate more[lack comparison/than  ] economic profit, especially in labor-intensive industries. Besides, instead of being stuck into the aging problem, which always ends up as an economic slowdown, countries without (that worry)[unclear  ] can mainly[redundant ] focus on development[ specify ]. Thereby, younger labor forces provide masses with better collective well-being.

What’s more, Young [ spelling error ]adults show more prospects to expand the frontiers[ unclear ] of diverse fields. Because young adults always behave vigorous[ word form error ] as well as adventurous[word form error  ], they are more[ lack comparison ] prone to experience new things rather than fear fails. For instance, in the development of science, thanks to numerous scientists who dared to explore the unknown fields, we come to know the world, even the universe, more clearly and exhaustively. [ poorly written sentence/use two sentences ]That’s to say, young adults,[ punctuation error ] are likely to accelerate/facilitate the progress of society and create more possibilities.

On the other hand, there may be some potential menaces in the future to some extent. As this batch of young adults gets older, the problem of population aging come[ grammatical error ] to manifest gradually. What’s worse, those who long for a sense of achievement may lead to more conflicts[unclear  ], while the elderly tend to be more mature.

Generally speaking, a sizable number of young adults contributes to society rather than destroys it. Although several potential problems may pose a threat to the country, they can be resolved rationally with appropriate means.