It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 25% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
2. Use your own language to write. “A heated debate has enlivened our viewpoint towards working hours, while some people hold the opinion that we should work three days a week for long hours.” This sentence looks odd. 
3. Make sure pronouns clearly echo the nouns. I.E.  Such Statement… readers have no clue with statement you talk about since there are two statements in advance of this sentence.
4. Avoid shifting the person. I.E. Personnel to We.

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

Score: ungraded

It is hard to deny that having [article error  ]longer vacation[  ] can provide us with more leisure time, and such a fact (may lead impressionable people to generate the idea) [  wordy/rephrase ] that we should work three days a week for long hours. Such a statement suffers from both logical and factual fallacies, and it should be scrutinized meticulously. As for me, I strongly maintain that we still should work five days a week for shorter hours,( as far as flexibility, health, and effectiveness are concerned.) [  wordy and unclear/ readers would be confused about Flexibility, health and effectiveness. Are they organizational? or personal? ] 

In no means should we not take flexibility into consideration when it comes to working hour. Modern working stipulation demands flexibility, as individuals tend to enact various social roles nowadays. With shorter working hours per day, personnel can hold the balance of life more compatibly. Furthermore, given the different need of our clients, working five days can offer our clients a more flexible choice to meet their requirements.

Besides, health issue is getting increasing attention now. With shorter work hours per day, individuals are more likely to stay healthy and sound. Take the case of our previous president, who is well-known a glutton for work. He almost devoted all the hours he had to his career. We could always run into him working on different stuff during class time, dinner time, or even on holiday. As a result, exhausting and endless work leaded him to sub-health. However, as he retired, he could spend more time exercising and resting. Now he owns better healthy conditions.

Nevertheless, a voice arises that working longer hours per day can enhance our effectiveness. Ironically, working longer per day can only contribute to the descend of productivity. It drains our limited energy, and we are very likely to end up working in vain. With shorter working hours per day, we can finish our work efficiently and stay fresh. So shorter working hours is undoubtedly a suitable choice given the physical limitation of human being.

Although I agree that there may be a couple of advantages of working three days for longer hours, I feel that the disadvantages are more obvious. Taking into account of flexibility, health, and effectiveness, we may reach the conclusion that working five days for shorter hours is still suitable.

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

Admittedly, many people are inclined to spend more time on leisure nowadays. This fact may lead the public to generate the idea believe that we should work three days for long hours per week for spending more time on leisure. Such a statement suffers from both logical and factual fallacies, and it should be scrutinized meticulously. In my viewpoint, I strongly maintain that we should still implement the existing working stipulation [unclear word  ],( as far as time flexibility, individual health, and work efficiency are concerned) [unclear  ].

Working five days for shorter hours can provide [article error  ]individual a more flexible time schedule, since [article error  ] individual tend [grammatical error/wrong word  ]to play various social roles nowadays. Firstly, as for company personnel, shorter working time can guarantee the helps to balance between their one’s career and personal life. [missing transitory word  ]They Working professionals don’t have to spend all of their precious time only on working (index every day) [ unclear ], [ punctuation error ]if they work five days for shorter hours. To be more specific, they have the time to accompany their family and to enjoy spend time on enjoyment after–work pursuits. Besides, when it comes to customer, working five days can offer them people with more flexible choices of time when they require service [unclear  ]. They don’t have to worry about running into a [article error  ] empty store or office for half of the week [unclear  ].

What’s more, working for shorter hours can contribute to (individual health) [ unclear ]. People are very likely to become distressed with/after excessive work. Take my previous math teacher as a case, who [word misplaced  ] is a well-known glutton for work. We (can always) [rewrite  ] run into him working engrossedly on various teaching task [ word form error ]during class time, dinner time, [coordinating word error  ]even on holiday. As a result, his body (smashed) [ wrong word ] down one day. But after his retirement, he has time to release and recover, and hi [spelling error  ] is much healthier now.

Nevertheless, (a voice arises that) [ redundant ] working longer hours per day can enhance our efficiency as well. Ironically, working longer per day can [only contribute to the descend of productivity] [absolute statement/wordy  ]. Working for longer hours drains our limited energy, and so we are very likely to might end up working in vain. With shorter working hours per day, we can finish our work efficiently and stay fresh. So shorter working hours is undoubtedly a suitable choice given [ article error ] concern of the physical limitation of( human being) [ article/word form ].

Although I agree that there may be a couple of advantages of working three days for longer hours, I feel [ use strong verb ]believe that the disadvantages are more obvious. Taking into account of time flexibility, individual health, and efficiency, we may reach the conclusion that working five days for shorter hours is better than working three days for longer hours.