Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

  • Wangyimai1022
    University: 中南大学
    Nationality: 中国
    May 13, 2020 at 3:51 pm

    Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    There is a phenomenon in the past few years that famous people such as outstanding entertainers and athletes have narrower space to live for their own. They can be disrupted or disturbed by all kinds of issues. Some of them, as far as I am learned, have difficulties in dealing with private problems because of this. In my point of view, they deserve to have more their own time. Below are the reasons.

    To start with, well-known people have the same requirement as normal people. Let us talk about it in a different vision. They need abundant time to have a rest. Invitation from innumerable companies and matchs occupy most of their time, and they devote themselves into their career all the time. To support their emotion and health, they should have more time to get better sleep and acquire propriate diet. For example, an athlete can be influenced easily by a bad mood or the lack of rest. Maybe they can tolerate for a few time, but they can not if the disturbs from the outer environment is continuous.

    In addition, some incredible speaking and discussion could bring negative or even mortal effect to those famous people. We may hear about some of these topics when we looking through entertainment newspapers or athletic reports. These topics often involve the guess of their emotional situation or some unreal scandals. For example, one of my favorite basketball player in the national team tried to suicide for several times for a media’s report. This report was about his mother’s efforts which helped him to become a great player, and the report denied the reality of the truth. This definitely transmitted misunderstanding to publics. And the bad result also tells us the meaning of mortal influence.

    So, we can easily come to the conclusion that well-known athletes and entertainers do have the necessity to enjoy their private space, not only for their career, but also for their health in both mental and physical. And, if they encounter adversities, they need more concern and care in more proper ways.

    May 13, 2020 at 10:11 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    3. Numerous grammatical errors. I.E. You used ‘in the past few years;’ then sentences related to this timeframe should be PAST tense.
    4. Many pronouns were unclearly used. When you use a pronoun (it, they, this, that., etc), make sure there is only ONE noun in the prior sentence that echos the pronoun.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.