Films can tell us a lot about the country where they were made. What have you learned about a country from watching its movies? Use specific examples and details to support your response.

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  • TruckersForMe Participant
    Sherry
    University: XD University
    Nationality: China
    August 5, 2019 at 11:52 pm

    TOEFL Writing TOPIC: Films can tell us a lot about the country where they were made. What have you learned about a country from watching its movies? Use specific examples and details to support your response.

    Films usually tell us fantastic stories, and during this process, we can learn the characters of the country. From my perspective, learning a country by watching the movie where they were made is one of the most effective ways. In my spare time, I usually prefer to watch movies. And in this way, I can have a better understanding of one country.

    We can learn the spirits of one country by the dialogues and daily life of local people. And the costumes and buildings also reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the sceneries in the country.

    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie, so it shows amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie are elegant and delicate. And rhythms are Japanese style which are soft and very relaxing. In addition, the story was happened in an imaginary bathhouse. It is Japanese custom that going to bathing frequently, for they pay a lot of attention to stay clean and neat. In this way, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details predict a vivid picture about Japan.

    Also, there is a plot very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant which its host was not there at that time. For actress’s parents are very hungry, they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow, since she thought it was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs. This plot shows that Japanese are very care about politeness.

    As far as I am concerned, though we cannot learn a country precisely sometimes, it is one of the best ways to learn about one country by a film. For we have limited time and energy, and visiting every country personally is unpractical.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 6, 2019 at 2:43 am

    Score: 75.3

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;

    Problems Highlight

    Films usually tell us fantastic stories, and during this process, we can learn the characters of the country. From my perspective, learning a country by watching the movie where they [pronoun error  ]were made is one of the most effective ways. In my spare time, I usually prefer to watch movies. And [coordinating word/punctuation error  ]in this way, I can have a better understanding of one country.
     
    We can learn the spirits of one country by the dialogues and daily life of [ article error ]local people. And [ Coordinating word/punctuation error ]the costumes and buildings also reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the sceneries in the country.
     
    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie, so it[ unclear pronoun ] shows [  ]amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie are elegant and delicate. [ Coordinating word/punctuation error ]And rhythms are Japanese style which are [grammatical error  ]soft and very relaxing. In addition, the story was happened[Passive/grammatical error] in an imaginary bathhouse. It is [article error]Japanese custom that going to bathing frequently, for they pay a lot of attention to stay [ grammatical error ]clean and neat. In this way, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details predict a vivid picture [  preposition error]about Japan.
     
    Also, there[ There BE ] is a plot very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant which[  grammatical error] its host was not there at that time. For [  article error]actress’s parents are [ grammatical error ]very hungry, [punctuation error  ]they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow, since she thought it [ unclear pronoun ]was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs. This plot shows that [  article error]Japanese (are very care)[  grammatical error] about politeness.
     
    As far as I am concerned, though we cannot learn a country precisely sometimes[ wrong placement of adverb ], it is one of the best ways to learn about one country by a film. For [ Coordinating word/punctuation error ]we have limited time and energy, and visiting every country personally[needless adverb  ] is unpractical.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
    TruckersForMe Participant
    Sherry
    University: XD University
    Nationality: China
    August 8, 2019 at 12:57 pm

    Modified Version:

    Films usually tell us fantastic stories, and during this process, we can learn the characters of the country. From my perspective, learning a country by watching the movie where it was made is one of the most effective ways. In my spare time, I usually prefer to watch movies. In this way, I can have a better understanding of one country.

    We can learn the spirits of one country by local people’s dialogues and their daily life. The costumes and buildings also reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the sceneries in the country.

    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie, and shows amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie are elegant and delicate. All the rhythms in the film are Japanese style which is soft and very relaxing. In addition, the story happened in an imaginary bathhouse presents a part of Japanese custom. Since Japanese pay much attention in their cleanness, they go to bathhouses frequently. Therefore, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details predict a vivid picture in Japan.

    What is more, a plot is very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant that its host was not there at that time. The leading actress’s parents were very hungry, so they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow, since she thought this behavior was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs. This plot shows that Japanese are very care about politeness.

    As far as I am concerned, though we sometimes cannot learn a country precisely, it is one of the best ways to learn about one country by a film. We have limited time and energy, and visiting every country is unpractical.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 11, 2019 at 2:53 am

    Hi, I have been very busy during the past days. I will work on your essay tomorrow.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 11, 2019 at 3:43 pm

    Score: 73.9

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Films usually tell us fantastic stories, and during this process, we can learn the characters of the country. From my perspective, learning a country by watching the movie where it was made is one of the most effective ways. In my spare time, I usually prefer to watch movies. In this way, I can have a better understanding of one country.

    We can learn the spirits of one country by local people’s dialogues and their daily life. The costumes and buildings also reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the sceneries in the country.

    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie, and [grammatical error/AND is a coordinating word that connects a sentence that MUST have a subject. Alternatively, you may remove ‘,’ but that also results in unparalleled structure.  ]shows amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie are elegant and delicate. All the rhythms in the film are [  article error]Japanese style which is soft and very relaxing. In addition, the story happened in an imaginary bathhouse presents a part of Japanese custom. Since [ article error ] Japanese pay much attention in [ wrong preposition ]their cleanness, they go to bathhouses frequently. Therefore, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details predict a vivid picture in Japan.

    What is more, a [ aritcle error ]plot is very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant that its host was not there at that time. The leading actress’s parents were very hungry, so they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow, since she thought this behavior was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs. This plot shows that [article rror  ]Japanese are very care [ grammatical error ] about politeness.

    As far as I am concerned, though we sometimes cannot learn a country precisely, it is one of the best ways to learn about one country by a film. We have limited time and energy, and visiting every country is unpractical.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
    TruckersForMe Participant
    Sherry
    University: XD University
    Nationality: China
    August 15, 2019 at 4:04 am

    Modified Version 2:

    Paved with fantastic stories, films usually show us lots of characters of the countries where they were made. Watching films just like we have a trip somewhere personally. During my leisure time, I prefer to watch movies. From my perspective, learning a country by watching the movie where it was made is one of the most effective ways. At the same time, I can have a better understanding of one country.
    We can learn the traditional spirits of one country by the local ’s dialogues and their daily life. Also, the costumes and buildings reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the sceneries in the country.

    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie which shows amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie are elegant and delicate. The rhythms of the film are Japanese style which is soft and very relaxing. In addition, happened in a traditional Japanese bathhouse, the story presents the authentic custom of Japan. Because Japanese pay much attention to their cleanness, they go to bathhouses frequently. Therefore, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details predict a vivid picture in Japan.

    What is more, there is a plot very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant. But its host was not there at that time. The leading actress’s parents were very hungry, so they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow her parents. In her concept, this behavior was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs because of the food they ate. This plot shows that Japanese care about politeness very much.

    In my opinion, we have limited time and energy, hence visiting every country is impractical for us. Though sometimes we cannot learn a country precisely, being familiar with one country by a film is a good way.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 16, 2019 at 9:54 pm

    Score: 73.5

    I will come back to you with the final revision shortly.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 17, 2019 at 2:46 am

    TOPIC: Films can tell us a lot about the country where they were made. What have you learned about a country from watching its movies? Use specific examples and details to support your response.

    Final Revision

    Paved with fantastic stories, films usually show us lots a lot of characters the characteristics of the countries where they were made. Watching films is just like we have taking a trip somewhere personally. During my leisure time, I prefer to watch movies. From my perspective, learning about a country by watching the a movie where it was made is one of the most effective ways. At the same time, I can have a better understanding of the/that one country.

    We can learn the traditional spirits of one country by the locals’ local ’s dialogues/conversations and their daily lives life. Also, the costumes and buildings reflect the local culture. At the same time, we can have a glimpse of the scenery sceneries in the country.

    One of my favorite movies is Spirited Away. It is a Japanese movie which shows the Japanese lifestyles amounts of Japanese features. For instance, the architectures in the movie is are elegant and delicate. The rhythms of the film are in the Japanese style which is soft and very relaxing. In addition, the events in the story happened in a traditional Japanese bathhouse, and the story presents an the authentic custom of Japan. Because the Japanese pay much attention to their cleanness, they go to bathhouses frequently. Therefore, bathhouse plays a critical role in Japanese daily life. All the details present predict a vivid picture of in Japan.

    What is moreMoreover/Furthermore, there is a the plot very impressive. The leading actress and her parents went into a restaurant. But its host was not there at that time. The leading actress’s parents were very hungry, so they began to eat without paying for the meal. But the little girl, the leading actress, did not follow her parents. In her mind concept, this behavior was impolite. Then her parents turned into pigs because of the food they ate. This plot shows that Japanese care about politeness very much.

    In my opinion, we have limited time and energy, hence visiting every country is impractical for us. Though sometimes we cannot learn about a country precisely, becoming being familiar with a one country by watching a local film is a good way.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.