Governments should charge people money for driving into busy places like city centers during rush hours.

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them.
2. About 30% of the sentences are passive; convert them into their active counterparts. 

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

With[unclear preposition  ] the development[wrong word  ] of people’s living standards, a private car (is no longer unaffordable)[becomes affordable  ] for most families and individuals in our country[China  ]. However, the[ change the word to form better organic connection with the last sentence ] growing number of vehicle ownership[ word form error ] leads [has led  ]to more frequent traffic jams on roads. To solve the problem, governments [ confusing/the central government of Chna or the local governments in China? Differentiate singular or plural nouns in different contexts ]plan to charge people (money)[redundant  ] for driving into (busy places)[irrelevant to the topic  ] during rush hours. Opinions are divided on this policy. From my perspective, I agree with the policy. [ state clearly YOUR views ][ The first paragraph is lengthy, wordy, boring and irrelevant to the topic. ]

First of all, (charging cars)[ logical confusion/ would cars pay you? ] for entering busy places[repetition  ] helps to relieve traffic pressure. To save money, drivers tend to avoid [ paying ]places charging fees [in certain places,   ]. They [ drivers ]will[absolute statement – change to conditional writing  ] consider alternate [ free ]routes which may take a little more time but are free. Besides, although some ways[routes  ] to (their) destinations are longer, the road[change of subject affecting coherence/this subject doesn’t correlate to THEIR  ] will be much [ use conditional writing ]less crowded. Chances are that choosing another way is[ use conditional writing ] actually[redundant adverb  ] more time-saving than trapping oneself in crowded streets for hours. Thus, the number of cars on the [ article error ]main streets will[use conditional writing  ] decline[punctuation error with coordinating conjunctions  ] and other roads can get fully used. As a result, traffic congestions during rush hours can be witnessed fewer[passive/confusing  ].

Secondly, the policy[unclear/what policy?  ] could help protect the environment. (Suppose some people want to go to busy places. In that case, they are more willing to take public transportation such as buses and subways instead of paying money for driving there.)[ confusing ] With fewer private cars on roads, the emission of pollution [ emissions of pollutive ]gases like carbon dioxide could[/would  ] decrease.

Finally, governments[world form error  ] could invest more in improving traffic infrastructure.[ poor topic sentence that fails to echo the thesis ] Considering[wrong word that logically fails to connect to ‘the money’  ] lots of cars rushing into busy streets[ wrong word ] like shopping centers or tourist attractions, the money gained from drivers is not a small amount. Governments [ word form error ]could utilize the extra revenue[ word form error ][specifify where the revenues come from  ] to maintain roads, broaden streets, and construct highways, thus contributing[ensuring  ] to a more completed [ productive ]traffic system.

In conclusion, with[ unclear preposition ] the benefits of traffic pressure relief, environmental friendliness, and more [increased/grown  ]government revenue[word form error  ], charging for entrance into busy streets during rush hours can( lead citizens to better-living conditions)[ confused ].