Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

It is true, [punctuation/grammatical error  ]many people believe that children should learn foreign languages as early as possible[wordy  ]. Although it[ unclear pronoun ] indeed has some benefits in studying in early childhood[wrody  ], I believe [lack pronoun  ]drawbacks would outweigh the merits[logical incompleteness  ].

(There are some reasonable views on why)[ wordy/There BE ] it[unclear pronoun  ] is beneficial [ wordy BE verb ]for students to study foreign languages at primary school. On the one hand, some investigations show that it[ unclear pronoun ] is the best period for children to develop the language function of the brain[ logically confusing ]. [lack transitory word  ]Learning new languages can help young students enhance the ability in[preposition error  ] logical thinking and motivate curiosity about other cultures. On the other hand, children can establish a strong foundation for foreign languages[unclear  ] and have more time to improve than their peers[ rephrase ] as they study earlier[unclear  ].

However, I agree with those who believe that students should be taught foreign languages[passive  ] at secondary school or even later[ logically confusing ]. Because students at primary school are too young to focus on a language curriculum[ grammatical error ]. The bilingual study would take up much pastime[unclear  ] and possibly make them tired about school and course. Furthermore, I believe that secondary students would be more able to find both accessible and efficient strategies to learn a new language when they grow up[ unclear ]. For example, they have opportunities to travel to western countries and contact with [grammatical error  ]native speakers, which could help them improve oral English. [ punctuation with coordinating word ]And these students can browse websites to practice foreign reading[unclear  ]. All of these approaches are more[ lack comparison ] available to an older child. Last but not least, secondary students have an adequate perception of what languages they truly love, [ punctuation error ]instead of being forced to accept their parents’ choices. Interest is the best teacher.[ off the topic ]

In conclusion, I can understand the opinion that parents [absolute writing  ]do not want their children to lose at the starting point[ doesn’t make sense ]. I still believe[  lack of pronoun] having an early language studying would not be the best choice for them.

[Summary: There are lots of issues concerning your writing. Spend several days learning IELTS Writing Tips prior to submitting your next essay. ]

Score: 58.3

Issues:

1. Nearly 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.

(It is true that )[ redundant ] many people suggest that children should learn foreign languages at primary school. Although this suggestion (indeed) [ redundant] has some benefits in the schooling of children [redundant ] , I believe its drawbacks would outweigh the merits.

People might agree with two main reasons why studying foreign languages at primary school could benefit students. On the one hand, investigations show that primary school education is the best period of language learning [redundant ] from the perspective of [redundant ]brain development. Languages learning [ repetition]in this period can also help young students enhance the ability to logical thinking and motivate curiosity about other cultures[ wordy]. On the other hand, children who study earlier can establish a strong foundation of vocabulary and grammar, and prepare [grammatical error ]them for further language learning.

However, I agree with those who believe that students should start foreign language learning at secondary school. Because students at primary school are too young to focus on language learning[ repetition]. The [ article error]bilingual study would take up children’s playtime and possibly make them tired about school and course. Furthermore, I believe that[redundant ] secondary students would be more able to find both accessible and efficient strategies to learn a new language. For example, they have opportunities to travel to western countries and interact with native speakers in-depth[wrong word ], which could help them improve oral English. These students can browse websites to practice foreign reading as well. All of these approaches seem more available to older children than younger ones. Last but not least, secondary students (have an adequate perception of ) [wordy ]what languages they truly [redundant ]love instead of being forced to accept their parents’ choices.

In conclusion, I can [ redundant]understand the opinion that parents might want their children to win at the starting line. I still believe taking an early language studying would not be the best choice for children.

Final Revision