The natural resources such as oil, forests and freshwater are being consumed at an alarming rate. What problems does it cause? How can we solve these problems?

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  • TruckersForMe Participant
    zeze
    University: Wuhan University
    Nationality: China
    August 8, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    IELTS Writing Topic: The natural resources such as oil, forests and freshwater are being consumed at an alarming rate. What problems does it cause? How can we solve these problems?

    Natural resources provide the necessary raw materials to human’s daily life. With the improvement of life standard, the consumption of natural resources rises significantly in recent years. Personally speaking, this phenomenon may lead to several severe consequences.

    First, it will become unrenewable and get extinction someday. Natural resources originally are renewable unless we overexploit and overuse them to break the ecological balance. To be specific, nature needs a long period to recover and reproduce more resources. If people do not follow the law of nature, the balance will be broken and the resources will die out eventually. Secondly, it may lead to serious environment deterioration. The more resources are consumed, the more pollution is emitted. As a result of this, bad effects have occurred that extreme weathers happen much more frequent than before, such as drought and heavy smoggy.

    To deal with it, government could impose some compulsory laws to prohibit overexploiting. Anyone who violates will be punished by charging massive fines and sending to prison. Besides, some alternative clean energy resources which are renewable and without emission of pollution have already been developed. Special offer policies and media campaigns can be addressed to persuade consumers to put new resources as first choice. In addition, it is a worldwide problem related to everyone so that akk people should unit together to tackle this problem. Individuals can contribute a lot from daily life, such as recycling water and taking more public transportation.

    In conclusion，the growth of consumption of natural resources may cause its extinction and deterioration of environment, but lots of efforts can be made by government, media, scientists and individuals to ease it.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 11, 2019 at 3:01 am

    Hi, I have been very busy during the past days. I will work on your essay tomorrow.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 14, 2019 at 2:26 am

    Score: 47.3

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;

    Problems Highlight

    Natural resources provide the [article error  ] necessary raw materials to human’s daily life. With the improvement of life standard, the consumption of natural resources rises [ grammatical error ] significantly in recent years. [wordy]Personally speaking, this phenomenon may lead to several severe consequences.
     
    First, it [ unclear pronoun ] will become unrenewable and get extinction [ word form ] someday. Natural resources originally are renewable unless we overexploit and overuse them to break the ecological balance. [wordy]To be specific, nature needs a long period to recover and reproduce more resources. If people do [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] not follow the law of nature, the balance will[ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]  be broken [passive]and the resources will die out [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] eventually. Secondly, it[ unclear pronoun ] may lead to serious environment [word form ] deterioration. The more resources are consumed,[passive] the more pollution is emitted. [passive]As a result of this, bad effects have occurred that extreme weathers happen much more frequent than before, such as drought and heavy smoggy.[ wrong placement ]
     
    To deal with it[ unclear pronoun ] , government could impose some compulsory [ conceptual repetition/laws ] laws to prohibit overexploiting. Anyone who violates [ lack of a subject] will be punished by charging[wrong word] massive fines and sending to prison. Besides, some alternative clean energy resources which are renewable and without emission of pollution have already been developed.[wordy] [passive]Special offer policies and media campaigns can be addressed [passive]to persuade consumers to put new resources as [ article error] first choice. In addition, it [ unclear pronoun ] is a worldwide problem related to everyone so that akk[? ] people should unit together to tackle this problem. Individuals can contribute a lot from daily life, such as recycling water and taking more public transportation.
     
    In conclusion，the growth of consumption of natural resources may cause its [ the] extinction and deterioration of [ article error] environment, but lots of efforts can be made by [passive/article]government, media, scientists and individuals to ease it[ unclear pronoun ] . [wordy]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
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