Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

  • HJR
    University: JNU (GuangZhou)
    Nationality: Chinese
    May 6, 2019 at 2:37 am

    The father is teaching his to sons how to protect environment while drinking juice.

    Topic: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

    Some people think that parents are responsible for their children’s personality while others believe that school is a place to learn it. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is quietly relevant to his family environment, however, his quality and character are not totally decided by his parents.

    On the one hand, our parents’ education usually plays a great role in our childhood, when we generally begin to inspect the value of the world. But as we growing up, our life smoothly apart from our family, and what our parents’ inspective can no longer navy our opinions, that means we begin to think, judge and explore based on the current society. In fact, our general thinking of “good” is not identical with the last generation’s.

    On the other hand, schools are not only a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. During the process, we practice, exchange and rebuild our values of the world, and finally form our special personality. Actually, the manners of our connection with others in the society are generally shaped through our school daily life. For instance, the ability of how to construct a friendly community circle, how to efficiently dedicate ourselves into cooperation, how to keep our own characteristics without been isolated, and so on. Those only can be caught through practice are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools play a more important role than parents in children’s education to be a good member of society.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 7, 2019 at 3:02 am

    Score: 56.3

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive-voice sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    Problems Highlight

    Some people think that parents are responsible for their children’s personality while others believe that school is a place to learn it. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is quietly[Problematic Adverb] relevant to his family environment, [Punctuation Error]however, his quality and character are not totally [Problematic Adverb] decided by his parents. [Lengthy, hard-to-read sentence ]

    On the one hand, our parents’ education usually plays a great role in our childhood, when we generally begin to inspect the value of the world. But as we growing up[Grammatical Error], our life smoothly[Problematic Adverb] apart from our family, and what our parents’ inspective can no longer navy our opinions, that means we begin to think, judge and explore based on the current society.[Lengthy, hard-to-read sentence ]. In fact, our general thinking of “good” is not identical with the last generation’s.

    On the other hand, schools are not only a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. During the process, we practice, exchange and rebuild our values of the world, and finally form our special personality. Actually, the manners of our connection with others in the society are generally shaped [Passive-Voice] through our school daily[Conventions Issue] life. For instance, the ability of how to construct a friendly community circle, how to efficiently [Problematic Adverb] dedicate ourselves into cooperation, how to keep our own[Verbose] characteristics without been isolated[Passive Voice], and so on. [Lengthy, hard-to-read sentence ]. Those only can be caught [Passive Voice]through practice are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools play a more important [Vague]role than parents in children’s education to be a good member of society.

    [Rewrite and re-submit your essay.]

    HJR
    University: JNU (GuangZhou)
    Nationality: Chinese
    May 7, 2019 at 1:26 pm

    Parents or schools teach children

    Some people hold the view that parents are responsible for their children’s personality while others believe that school is a place to acquire it.

    There is no doubt that a person’s personality is considerably relevant to his family environment. Nevertheless, his quality and character are not entirely decided by his parents.

    On the one hand, our parents’ education, for the most part, plays a great role in our childhood when we generally begin to inspect the value of the world. But as we grow older, our life gradually apart from our family, and our parents’ views can no longer navy our opinions, we begin to consider, judge and explore based on the current society. In fact, our general thinking of “good” is not exactly identical to the last generation’s.

    On the other hand, schools are not only a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. In the course of the process, we practice, exchange and reshape our understanding of the world, and finally form our special personality. Actually, the manners of our connection with others in the society already shaped during school. To name only a few, the ability of how to construct a harmonious community circle, how to dedicate ourselves into cooperation, how to keep our characteristics without been isolated, and so on. Those only available in practice are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools exert a more crucial part than parents in children’s education to be a good member of society.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 7, 2019 at 11:00 pm

    Score: 55.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    2. Convert passive-voice sentences into their active counterparts.

    Problems Highlight

    Some people hold the view that parents are responsible for their children’s personality while others believe that school is a place to acquire it. [long, hard-to-read sentence] [Repeating essay topic will result in a lower score. Also, you fail to present your THESIS in the introduction paragraph]

    There is no doubt that a person’s personality is considerably relevant to his family environment. Nevertheless, his quality and character are not entirely decided by [Passive Voice]his parents.

    On the one hand, our parents’ education, for the most part, plays a great role in our childhood when we generally begin to inspect the value of the world. But as we grow older, our life gradually apart from our family, and our parents’ views can no longer navy our opinions, we begin to consider, judge and explore based on the current society. [long, hard-to-read sentence] In fact, our general thinking of “good” is not exactly[Redundant Adverb] identical to the last generation’s.

    On the other hand, schools are not only a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. In the course of the process, we practice, exchange and reshape our understanding of the world, and finally form our special [Redundant Adjective] personality. [long, hard-to-read sentence] Actually, the manners of our connection with others in the society already shaped during school. To name only a few, the ability of how to construct a harmonious community circle, how to dedicate ourselves into cooperation, how to keep our characteristics without been isolated[Grammatical Error], and so on. [long, hard-to-read sentence]Those only available in practice are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools exert a more crucial part than parents in children’s education to be a good member of society.

    [Rewrite and re-submit your essay.]

    HJR
    University: JNU (GuangZhou)
    Nationality: Chinese
    May 8, 2019 at 5:24 am

    Parents or schools teach children

    Some people hold the view that parents are responsible for their children’s personality, while others believe that school is a place to acquire it. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is considerably relevant to his family environment. Nevertheless, parents do not determine one’s quality or character.

    On the one hand, at the time when we begin to inspect the value of the world, our parents’ education, for the most part, plays a great role. But as we grow older, our life gradually apart from our family, so our parents’ views can no longer navy our opinions.  We need to cultivate our own judgments right or wrong, those depend a lot on the people we have met, the world we have seen, and the books we have read. In fact, the definition of ‘good’ in each era is not identical to that of the previous generation.

    On the other hand, schools are not only a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. In the course of the process, we reshape our understanding of the world through interactions and finally form our personality. Actually, the manners of our connection with others in the society already shaped during school. To name only a few, the abilities of how to construct a harmonious community circle and handle the relationship between the individual and the collective need to be cultivated in school education. Those only available in practice are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools exert a more crucial part than parents in children’s education to be a good member of society.

     

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 9, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Score: 61.2 (Big Improvement)

    Will get back to you shortly.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 12, 2019 at 1:41 pm

    FINAL EDIT

    Some people hold the view that parents are responsible for their children’s personality, while others believe that school is the/a place to acquire it. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is considerably/primarily/principally/foremost relevant to/the result of/related to his family environment. Nevertheless, parents do not determine one’s quality/qualities or character/characteristics.

    On the one hand, at the time when we begin to inspect the value of the world, our parents’ education, for the most part, plays a great role. But as we grow older, our lives life gradually grow apart from our family, so our parents’ views can no longer form/oblige/characterize/influence navy our opinions.  We need to cultivate our own judgments, right or wrong, and those depend a lot on the people we have met, the world we have seen, and the books we have read. In fact, the definition of ‘good’ in each era is not identical to that of the previous generation.

    On the other hand, schools are not only places a place to learn bits of knowledge and skills, but also a pre-society for us to communicate and interact with others. In the course of the process, we reshape our understanding of the world through interactions and finally form our personality. Actually, the manners of our connections/the way we communicate with others in the society has already been shaped during school. To name only a few, the ability abilities of how to construct a harmonious community circle and handle the relationship between the individual and the collective need to be cultivated by in school education. Those Education that is only available/gained/acquired by/through in practice cannot be are not things taught by our parents.

    In general, schools exert a more crucial role part than parents in terms of educating a child/children’s education to be a good member of society.

    Comments: Excellent work. The comments noted above are the only suggested revisions. i.e., most of it is very solid writing. The notes following the slash marks ‘/’ are recommended and the notes before the slash mark are “corrections”. Best wishes.