People’s support towards international aid

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing People’s support towards international aid

  • superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 22, 2019 at 4:15 am

    QUESTION:
    Some people believe famous people’s support towards international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

    ANSWER:
    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who draw up great attention towards international aid organizations, for they have addressed the inequities by giving supports to NGOs and after that many followers would imitate them to do so. However, I take leave to doubt their influence on the welfare industry, since they never exert any moral change in essence, and they even make the problems less significant.

    Admittedly, it is true that famous people help to promote donations. We see a lot of celebrities contributing their wealth to foundations and NGOs to raise awareness of various issues. This itself is a double-win process, as they not only use their money in a meaningful way but also establish a positive reputation for themselves. International aid organizations receive an extra bonus from such behaviors because followers of those celebrities are so appealed by their personal characteristic that they are very likely to donate a little bit to show their loyalty and support. Therefore, there is invariably a booming in money raising every time when a celebrity joins a philanthropy activity.

    Nevertheless, such increment in money raising can not explain an uplifting effect from famous people, if datas were not examined in a long term. In the first place, the sudden popularity of international aids brings by celebrities mainly influence fans and followers. Technically, these people are not giving help to economically or socially deprived people by heart, but in a way to support their idols instead. Thus, in only a few occasions will those people offer help constantly and they are very likely to quit when their idols no longer do so or they simply stop following them. In the light of this, philanthropy activities are only a symbol rather than a meaningful behavior. And for this reason, they lose their initial significance and become less important.

    In a nutshell, although famous people draw up great attention to international aids, they are not promoting the humanity process profoundly. And as they are sometimes too powerful, they also push away attention to themselves rather than those ‘noble activities’.

    PS.
    if possible, I m looking forward to some logical suggestions =)
    thanks a lot!

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 23, 2019 at 2:31 am

    Score: 46.1

    Suggestions for Improvement:

    1. Minimize the number of passive-voice sentences;
    2. Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    3. Numerous grammatical/factual/logical problems (even after my revision).

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay ASAP.

    Best regards,

    Lin Qiu

    Problems Highlight:

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who draw up great attention towards international aid organizations (Non-British Spelling), for they have addressed the inequities by giving supports to NGOs and after that many followers would imitate them to do so. However, I take leave (Grammatical Error) to doubt their influence on the welfare industry, since they never exert any moral change in essence, and they even make the problems less significant.
     
    Admittedly (Problematic Adverb), it is true that famous people help to promote donations. We see a lot of celebrities contributing their wealth to foundations and NGOs to raise awareness of various issues. This itself is a double-win process, as they not only use their money in a meaningful way but also establish a positive reputation for themselves. International aid organizations (Non-British Spelling) receive an extra bonus from such behaviors (Non-British Spelling) because followers of those celebrities are so appealed by their personal (Verbose Expression) characteristic that they are very likely to donate a little bit to show their loyalty and support. Therefore, there is invariably a booming in money raising every time when a celebrity joins a philanthropy activity.
     
    Nevertheless, such increment in money raising can not (Grammatical Error) explain an uplifting effect from famous people, if datas (Grammatical Error) were not examined in a long (Grammatical Error)term. In the first place, the sudden popularity of international aids brings by celebrities mainly influence fans and followers. Technically(Problematic Adverb), these people are not giving help to economically (Problematic Adverb)or socially (Problematic Adverb)deprived people by heart, but in a way to support their idols instead. Thus, in only a few occasions will those people offer help constantly and they are very likely to quit when their idols no longer do so or they simply stop following them. In the light (Grammatical Error)of this, philanthropy activities are only a symbol rather than a meaningful behavior (Non-British Spelling). And for this reason, they lose their initial significance and become less important.
     
    In a nutshell, although famous people draw up great attention to international aids, they are not promoting the humanity process profoundly. And as they are sometimes too powerful, they also push away attention to themselves rather than those ‘noble activities’.
    —–
    Partial Revision ( Many grammatical, logical and factual problems remain.)

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who draw up great attention towards international aid organisations, for they have addressed the inequities by giving supports to NGOs and after that many followers would imitate them to do so. However, I tend to doubt their influence on the welfare industry, since they never exert any moral change in essence, and they even make the problems less significant.

    It is true that famous people help to promote donations. We see a lot of celebrities contributing their wealth to foundations and NGOs to raise awareness of various issues. This itself is a double-win process, as they not only use their money in a meaningful way but also establish a positive reputation for themselves. International aid organisations receive an extra bonus from such behaviours because their characteristic so appeals followers of those celebrities that they are very likely to donate a little bit to show their loyalty and support. Therefore, there is invariably a booming in money raising whenever a celebrity joins a philanthropy activity.

    Nevertheless, such increment in money raising cannot explain an uplifting effect from famous people, if data were not examined in the long term. In the first place, the sudden popularity of international aids brings by celebrities mainly influence fans and followers. , these people are not giving help to economically or socially deprived people by heart, but in a way to support their idols instead. Thus, in only a few occasions will those people offer help constantly and they are very likely to quit when their idols no longer do so, or they stop following them. In light of this, philanthropy activities are only a symbol rather than a meaningful behaviour. And for this reason, they lose their initial significance and become less important.

    In a nutshell, although famous people draw up great attention to international aids, they are not promoting the humanity process profoundly. And as they are sometimes too powerful, they also push away attention to themselves rather than those ‘noble activities’.

    superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 23, 2019 at 4:53 pm

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money generously to international aid organizations, they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. However, I argue that they neither have a lasting influence, nor do they draw up attention to welfare itself.

    People agree with the former idea may have been trapped in an illusion that their idols are the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also busily engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people are helping for free. They don’t know that this is technically a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and follower, and lead to a brighter career.

    In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We have been cheated every time whenever huge internet traffic was brought to international aids in a sudden, because these are just temporary-effects produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, simply regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.

    Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviors, which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 24, 2019 at 2:48 am

    Score: 57.2

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Shorten all paragraphs to -85 words;
    2. Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    3. Resolve a large number of grammatical/spelling errors;
    4. Change passive voice to active voice.

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    Problems Highlight

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money generously [Problematic Adverb] to international aid organizations [Change to British Spelling], they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. However, I argue that they neither have a lasting influence, [Grammatical Error]nor do they draw up attention to welfare itself.

    People agree with the former idea may have been trapped [Passive Voice] in an illusion that their idols are the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also busily [Problematic Adverb] engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people are helping for free. They don’t know that this is technically [Problematic Adverb] a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and follower, and lead to a brighter career.

    In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We have been cheated [Passive Voice] every time whenever huge internet traffic was brought [Passive Voice] to international aids in a sudden, [Grammatical Error] because these are just [Problematic Adverb] temporary-effects produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, simply [Problematic Adverb] regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by [Passive Voice] their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.

    Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviors[Change to British Spelling], which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems.

     

    superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 24, 2019 at 3:24 am

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money to international aid organisations, they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. However, I argue that they do not draw up attention to welfare itself.

    People agree with the former idea may fanatically adore their idols as the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people were helping for free. They don’t know that this is a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and followers, and lead to a brighter career.

    In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We often astonished at surging internet traffic about international aid produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.

    Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviours, which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 25, 2019 at 3:56 am

    Score: 58

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Reduce the length of paragraphs to -85 words;
    2. Shorten essay to 320 words;
    3. Many sentences are unclear (they are grammatically correct, but they are factually/logically problematic.);
    4. Unclear echoing that was primarily caused by inappropriate pronouns. (The subject of a sentence should echo the subject/object of the prior sentence.]

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money to international aid organisations, they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. [Lengthy, hard-to-read sentence]However, I argue that they do not draw up attention to welfare itself.
     
    People agree with the former idea may fanatically adore their idols as the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people were helping for free. They don’t know that this is a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and followers, and lead to a brighter career.
     
    In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We often astonished at surging internet traffic about international aid produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.
     
    Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviours, which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems. [Lengthy, hard-to-read sentence]
    superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 26, 2019 at 9:28 am

    Hey, I reread my essay and I found that my 2nd paragraph strayed from the question.

    So I made a significant change and here’s the new one.

    Hopefully, it will look better!

     

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities in that they draw great attention to the welfare industry. However, my opinion is of the opposite, and I argue that they make humanity issues less important.

    To many people, famous people seem to be helpful in raising awareness of societal issues. This is because they are often seen joining different awareness campaigns and donating a huge amount of money to NGOs. In most cases, they are invited by or cooperated with the sponsor, since their outstanding reputation can easily attract the attention of social media. Problems are visible to people through high-frequency reports and exposure. For example, Emma Watson once joined a speech in UN about feminism, which had been reported worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people had joined the discussion after the report.

    However, we can hardly say celebrities make problems much more significant. Instead, they distract a lot of followers to themselves. Fanatical fans, following whatever their idols do, often regard support to the welfare industry as a way to please their heroes. Their enthusiasm for humanity soon drains when new albums or gossips coming out. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, attention to the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.

    Seeing through the data requires us to observe in the long term. Although famous people attract people’s attention to different problems, they do not make them more significant. In contrast, these people are stealing the focus.

    superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 26, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    [Well, I made another attempt. I think now the article is more logically-developed.]

    These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities in that they draw up great attention to the welfare industry. However,  they have addressed the problems hardly enough, and their influence on humanity issues is nuanced.

    To many people, celebrities seem to be helpful in raising awareness of societal issues. This is because they are often seen joining different awareness campaigns and donating money to NGOs, which offers good examples as an ambassador. In most cases, they are invited by or cooperated with the sponsors, since their great reputation can easily attract the attention of social media. Problems are visible to people through high-frequency reports and exposure. For example, Emma Watson once gave a speech in the UN about feminism, which had been reported worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people joined the discussion and lingered about it for quite a while.

    However, such influence is not lasting, and problems are not made more outstanding. The reason for this is because the audiences are mainly fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, often regard donations as a way to support their favourite actors. If there are new gossips coming out, they would soon transfer their enthusiasm into other things. One example comes from the prestigious singer Faye Wong, who had established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation had received funds from her fans initially, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced and quickly engaged with another actor, attention to the foundation quietly disappeared.

    Although those famous people have brought problems into our view, these problems are not becoming more valued. Rather, the focus on the problems is often stolen, by scandals of celebrities.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 26, 2019 at 8:18 pm

    Score: 59.7

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Reduce the number of passive-voice sentences.

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    Problems Highlight

    hese days, many people owe a lot to celebrities in that they draw up great attention to the welfare industry. However, they have addressed the problems hardly enough, and their influence on humanity issues is nuanced. [Passive Voice]

    To many people, celebrities seem to (be helpful in raising)[Verbose] awareness of societal issues. This [Use Concrete Noun to Replace Unclear Pronoun]is because they are often seen joining different awareness campaigns and donating money to NGOs, which offers good examples as an ambassador.[Wordy Sentence] In most cases, they are invited by [Passive Voice] or cooperated with the sponsors, [Punctuation Error]since their great [Vague Adjective]reputation can easily attract the attention of social media.[Wordy Sentence] Problems are visible to people through high-frequency reports and exposure. For example, Emma Watson once gave a speech in the UN about feminism, which had been reported [Passive Voice] worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people joined the discussion and lingered about it for quite a while.

    However, such influence is not lasting, and problems are not made more outstanding. The reason for this is because the audiences are mainly [Problematic Adverb] fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, often regard donations as a way to support their favourite actors. If there are new gossips coming out [Grammatical Error with Subjunctive Voice], they would soon transfer their enthusiasm into other things. One example comes from the prestigious singer Faye Wong, who had established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation had received funds from her fans initially, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced and quickly [Problematic Adverb] engaged with another actor, attention to the foundation quietly disappeared. [Wordy Sentence]

    Although those famous people have brought problems into our view, these problems are not becoming more valued. Rather, the focus on the problems is often stolen, by scandals of celebrities.

    superdanny
    University: Central China Normal University
    Nationality: China
    April 29, 2019 at 5:29 am

    I showed my last essay to an IELTS examiner, and he gave me an overall band 5.5 =(

    TASK RESPONSE 5
    COHESION AND COHERENCE 5
    VOCABULARY 6-7
    GRAMMAR 6

    According to his suggestions, my main problem is in TR and CC. And there are some collaborations do not make sense. So I tried to use vocabularies that I can handle. Also,
    I changed the way how my essay develops.

    I notice that most writing samples only have a few passive-voice sentences. So I cut a lot of them.

    As for the sentence over 20 words, I don’t think it’s a minus for the IELTS essay, as you can see that many writing samples provided in Cambridge textbooks have an average word length over 20. So I kept a few long sentences.

    Here is my newest edition, I’m looking forward to your suggestion!

    Some people are calling into question how celebrities influence people’s attitudes toward problems in international aid organizations. While some argues that they make the world issues more visible, others believe they make the problems less serious. This essay will discuss both views and I will give my own perspective which is that famous people make problems not as vital as it used to be.

    The popularity of celebrities explains their magic concerns encouraging people to care about international aid issues. It is widely known that famous people normally have tremendous followers, who would support their idols almost unconditionally. If celebrities give supports to international aid organizations, many fans would compliment their idols on how kind they are, and following, do the same thing to align with their idol’s noble behavior. Another reason is that celebrities are often reported repetitively by social media. And with the frequent exposure, influence from such people is inevitable. People would join the discussion and dwell on it for quite a while.

    However, famous people can also distract the public’s attention and make the problems less important. This is because the majority of viewers are not attracted by the problems, rather, they are interested in who did it. Once new gossip emerged, they are very likely to transfer attention onto new things. For instance, Faye Wong once established a foundation for children born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation, having received money from her followers initially, disappeared from sights when Faye Wong got divorced and engaged to an actor ten years younger than her.

    In conclusion, although celebrities often bring huge internet traffic to problems, I hold my view that they can distract a great fraction of attention and make the problems less significant.

     

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 2, 2019 at 10:24 pm

    It is reasonable the IELTS examiner gave your essay a 5.5 score.

    The scores I gave you range from 56 to 59. If you check the essays scoring in the upper 60s and lower 70s on this website, you will find that their essays are very easy to read. In general, their essays can score 7-8 in the actual IELTS test.

    As for long sentences (exceeding 20 words), readers will find it very difficult to understand if an essay contains lots of grammatical/logical/factual issues and big words, which is evidenced in your essay. For this reason, it benefits you more when you choose to use short sentences.

    Best regards,

    Lin Qiu

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 2, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    Score: 52.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Reduce the number of passive-voice sentences;
    2. Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    Problems Highlight

    Some people are calling into question how celebrities influence people’s attitudes toward problems in international aid organizations. [Verbose, Difficult-to read Sentence]. While some argues [Grammatical Error] that they make the world issues more visible, others believe they make the problems less serious. This essay will discuss both views and [Punctuation Error]I will give my own [Redundancy]perspective which is that famous people make problems not as vital as it used to be.

    The popularity of celebrities explains their magic concerns encouraging people to care about international aid issues. [Difficult-to read Sentence]. It is widely[Problematic or Unnecessary Adverb] known that famous people normally have tremendous followers, who would support their idols almost unconditionally [Problematic or Unnecessary Adverb] . [Punctuation Error][Long, Difficult-to read Sentence]. If celebrities give supports to international aid organizations, many fans would compliment their idols on how kind they are, and following, do the same thing to align with their idol’s noble behavior. [Long, Difficult-to read Sentence]. Another reason is that celebrities are often reported repetitively [Passive Voice and Logical Confusion]by social media. And with the frequent exposure, influence from such people is inevitable. People would join the discussion and dwell on it for quite a while.

    However, famous people can also distract the public’s attention and make the problems less important. This is because the majority of viewers are not attracted by the problems, rather, they are interested in who did it. Once new gossip emerged, they are very likely to transfer attention onto [Proposition Error] new things. For instance, Faye Wong once established a foundation for children born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation, having received money from her followers initially [Problematic or Unnecessary Adverb] , [Punctuation Error]disappeared from sights when Faye Wong got divorced and engaged to an actor ten years younger than her. [Long, Difficult-to read Sentence]

    In conclusion, although celebrities often bring huge [Vague Expression]internet traffic to problems, I hold my view that they can distract a great [Vague Expression]fraction of attention and make the problems less significant. [Long, Difficult-to read Sentence]