Nowadays, children rely on too much on the technology such as computer for fun and entertaniment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Nowadays, children rely on too much on the technology such as computer for fun and entertaniment; playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development.

  • Jane Elsa
    University: SJTU
    Nationality: China
    July 5, 2020 at 10:32 am

    Nowadays, children rely too much on technology like computers, smartphones, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for children’s development.

    Some people argue as if it is a truth that playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children’s development instead of relying on too much on the technology such as computer. And to be frank, I totally agree with them. There are numerous reasons why I hold confidence on them, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.

    The main convincing point of this argument is that it shows the basic fact that no matter how advanced the technology is, we still live in the real world and need to get along with a lot of people, including friends. Spending time playing with friends is beneficial to the children’s development in that they can learn how to maintain a relationship with others, which is a crucial skill in society.

    Another reason why I agree with the above statement is that playing outside with friends does good to the children’s physical health. It’s likely that a group of children running, jumping and playing football at the playground, which is a means of exercises. On the contrary, if the children just stay in home and play with the electric devices, not only will they get a weak body, but also bad eyesight.

    What’s more, playing simper toys or playing outside gives the children a chance of getting exposed to the nature. The children can enjoy the warm sunlight, the light wind and the lovely songs of birds. They may probably develop a sense of beauty and a interest of art. As we all know, some great artists are close to nature such as Vincent Willem van Gogh. Maybe in the near future, the pure kid will turn into a poet with beautiful butterflies in his poets.

    In a word, I hold the firm position that playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends is more beneficial to children’s all-around development.

     

    July 5, 2020 at 3:43 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 50% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    3. Lots of errors concerning the use of the article THE.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    July 5, 2020 at 3:43 pm

    Please add my WeChat account. Thanks!

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