Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Primary school students (aged 5-10) should do no more than 30 minutes of homework every night because they already get enough instructions in regular classes at school.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. › TOEFL Writing › Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Primary school students (aged 5-10) should do no more than 30 minutes of homework every night because they already get enough instructions in regular classes at school.

  • TruckersForMe Participant
    yuan
    University: The Ocean University Of China
    Nationality: China
    August 3, 2019 at 4:16 am

    TOEFL Writing TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Primary school students (aged 5-10) should do no more than 30 minutes of homework every night because they already get enough instructions in regular classes at school.

    I hold the opinion that children aged 5-10 homework time should be limited in 30 minutes. Having less homework time can help children relax themselves and develop their interests.

    Firstly, having less homework time can help children relax themselves after school. Nowadays, the teachers and parents are pay more and more attention on the children’s scores, so children need to spend hours and hours every single day, sitting in front of their desks and studying. As a result, they are always under great pressure and feel nervous. If we can shorten the children homework time, they can have more time to playing games or reading interesting books. This can help them relax themselves which is very important for children’s development. Take my own experience as an example, when I was 12 years old, my teachers in primary school paid much attentions on our scores which can help us go to a better junior middle school. I had to do more homework to get a higher score. When the final exam comes, I felt nervous and even wanted to commit suicide. My mom worried about me and she suggested my teacher that don’t give me so much homework. When I went home, she played with me or asked me to help her doing some housework. Because of my mom, I felt relaxed and enjoyed my school time again.

    Secondly, having less homework time can develop children’s interests. As we all know, interest is the best teacher. If children have enough time, they can develop their own interest and sometimes get a surprising success. It’s no doubt that the childhood is the best time to develop an interest because children have more energy and curiosity to their interest field. So, if we can shorten children homework time, they will have enough time to develop their own interest. Take my brother’s experience as an example, he is interested in playing piano. My parents gave him a piano but he doesn’t have any time to playing piano. He has a lot of homework and always spends 2 or 3 hours at night to do homework. He felt so upset that he went to talk to his teacher, Mr. Li. Mr. Li is a patient and humorous teacher. He supported my brother to develop his interest and shortened his homework time. As a result, my brother insists to play piano every single day from 7 years ago and he has already been a great piano player.

    In a word, I think having less homework time is benefit to children’s development and giving children a happy childhood.

     

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 5, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    Score: 74.6

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Restrict each paragraph to 85 words.

    Problems Highlight

    I hold the opinion that children aged 5-10 homework time should be limited in 30 minutes. [ grammatical error ] Having less homework time can help children relax themselves and develop their interests.
     
    Firstly, having less homework time can help children relax themselves after school. Nowadays, the teachers and parents are pay [ grammatical error ] more and more attention on the children’s scores, so children need to spend hours and hours every single day, sitting in front of their desks and studying. [Wordy]As a result, they [  unclear pronoun] are always under great pressure and [ unparalleled structure ] feel nervous. If we can [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] shorten the children homework time, they can [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]have more time to[ grammatical error ] playing games or reading interesting books. This can help them relax themselves[  punctuation error] which is very important for children’s development. Take my own experience as an example, when I was 12 years old, my teachers in primary school paid much attentions[ word form ] on[  preposition] our scores [ punctuation ]which can help us go to a better junior middle school.[Wordy] I had to do more homework to get a higher score. When the final exam comes, [ grammatical error ]I felt nervous and even wanted to commit suicide. My mom worried about me [  punctuation error]and she suggested my teacher that don’t [  grammatical error]give me so much homework. When I went home, she played with me or asked me to help her doing [word form  ]some housework. Because of my mom, I felt relaxed and enjoyed [  unparalleled]my school time again.
     
    Secondly, having less homework time can develop children’s interests. As we all know, interest is the best teacher. If children have enough time, they can develop their own interest and sometimes get a surprising success. It’s no doubt that the [  article error]childhood is the best time to develop an interest because children have more energy and curiosity to[ preposition error ] their interest field. [ coordinating word error ]So, if we can shorten children homework time, they will have enough time to develop their own interest. Take my brother’s experience as an example, he is interested in playing [ article error ]piano. My parents gave him a piano but he doesn’t have any time to playing [ article error ]. He has a lot of homework and always spends 2 or 3 hours at night to do homework. He felt so upset that he went to talk to his teacher, Mr. Li. Mr. Li is a patient and humorous teacher. He supported my brother to develop his[unclear pronoun  ] interest and shortened his [unclear pronoun  ]homework time. As a result, my brother insists [  grammatical error]to play[ article ] piano every single day from 7 years ago and he has already been a great piano player.
     
    In a word, I think having less homework time is[  article error] benefit to children’s development and giving children a happy childhood.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
Tagged: