Relax with hobbies or physical activities

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Relax with hobbies or physical activities

  • dycc
    University: Xidian university
    Nationality: China
    April 19, 2019 at 9:21 am

    TOEFL TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should take time to relax with hobbies or physical activities that are very different from what they do at work.

    People need to relax themselves especially after a long period of working. Many companies have taken different strategies to figure out an effective way of relaxation for their workers. In my opinion, having activities different form work is the best choice, since it not only helps workers with their efficiency, but also is beneficial for their health.

    Significantly different from what is done repeatedly at working hours, this kind of relaxation with hobbies or physical activities is likely to help employees think differently, totally getting out of the box that restricts their mind storm while doing similar tasks in the studios. It is especially helpful for those who work with their originality. Taking a jazz band on TED talks as an example. They attributed their success to the annual vacation, in which they took a month off to the seaside, enjoying the sun shine and wonderful scenery along the coast. Every time they came back from the vacation, they are more likely to derive some brilliant ideas for their music.

    Such relaxation will also have positive effect on people’s health, both physically and mentally. My father’s friend worked as an engineer, who remained sedentary in front of a computer every week days. His neck ached badly after watching the screen for long hours. Invited by his colleagues, he took part in the badminton club of the company. With the relaxation of this physical activity, he managed to relieve himself from the working pressure and felt much better with the sickness of his neck.

    To some extent, it seems that having some relaxation related to people’s work will benefit the companies, since employees are engaged in work for much longer hours. However, it never takes the feelings of workers into account. People may get bored with daily working tasks, it is necessary to have different activities to eliminate the pressure so that they can really hold a positive attitude towards their work.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 20, 2019 at 3:01 am

    Grammatical/Spelling Errors Highlights

    People need to relax themselves especially after a long period of working. Many companies have taken different strategies to figure out an effective way of relaxation for their workers. In my opinion, having activities different form (ERROR)work is the best choice, since it not only helps workers with their efficiency, (ERROR)but also is beneficial for their health.

    Significantly different from what is done repeatedly at (ERROR)working hours, this kind of relaxation with hobbies or physical activities is likely to help employees think differently, totally getting out of the box that restricts their mind storm while doing similar tasks in the studios. It is especially helpful for those who work with their originality. Taking a jazz band on TED talks as an example. They attributed their success to the annual vacation, in which they took a month off to the seaside, enjoying the sun shine (ERROR)and wonderful scenery along the coast. Every time they came back from the (ERROR)vacation, they are more likely to derive some brilliant ideas for their music.

    Such relaxation will also have (ERROR) positive effect on people’s health, both physically and mentally. My father’s friend worked as an engineer, who remained sedentary in front of a computer every week days(ERROR). His neck ached badly after watching the screen for long hours. Invited by his colleagues, he took part in the badminton club of the company. With the relaxation of this physical activity, he managed to relieve himself from the working pressure and felt much better with the sickness of his neck.

    To some extent, it seems that having some relaxation related to people’s work will benefit the companies, (ERROR)since employees are engaged in work for much longer hours. However, it never takes the feelings of workers into account. People may get bored with daily working tasks, it is necessary to have different activities to eliminate the pressure so that they can really hold a positive attitude towards their work.

    ———–

    Partial grammatical proofreading (There are still many more grammatical/factual/logical issues.)

    People need to relax themselves especially after a long period of working. Many companies have taken different strategies to figure out an effective way of relaxation for their workers. In my opinion, having activities different from work is the best choice, since it not only helps workers with their efficiency but also is beneficial for their health.

    Significantly different from what is done repeatedly at working hours, this kind of relaxation with hobbies or physical activities is likely to help employees think differently, totally getting out of the box that restricts their mind storm while doing similar tasks in the studios. It is especially helpful for those who work with their originality. Taking a jazz band on TED talks as an example. They attributed their success to the annual vacation, in which they took a month off to the seaside, enjoying the sunshine and wonderful scenery along the coast. Every time they came back from vacation, they are more likely to derive some brilliant ideas for their music.

    Such relaxation will also have a positive effect on people’s health, both physically and mentally. My father’s friend worked as an engineer, who remained sedentary in front of a computer every weekday. His neck ached badly after watching the screen for long hours. Invited by his colleagues, he took part in the badminton club of the company. With the relaxation of this physical activity, he managed to relieve himself from the working pressure and felt much better with the sickness of his neck.

    To some extent, it seems that having some relaxation related to people’s work will benefit the companies since employees are engaged in work for much longer hours. However, it never takes the feelings of workers into account. People may get bored with daily working tasks, it is necessary to have different activities to eliminate the pressure so that they can really hold a positive attitude towards their work.

    ————————–

    [In the following version, I removed most of the USELESS adverbs; you can rewrite these sentences without using these adverbs. For remaining adverbs, try to use forceful words instead.)

    People need to relax themselves especially after a long period of working. Many companies have taken different strategies to figure out an effective way of relaxation for their workers. , having activities different from work is the best choice, since it not only helps workers with their efficiency but also is beneficial for their health.
     
    different from what is done at working hours, this kind of relaxation with hobbies or physical activities is likely to help employees think differently, getting out of the box that restricts their mind storm while doing similar tasks in the studios. It is especially helpful for those who work with their originality. Taking a jazz band on TED talks as an example. They attributed their success to the annual vacation, in which they took a month off to the seaside, enjoying the sunshine and wonderful scenery along the coast. Every time they came back from vacation, they are more likely to derive some brilliant ideas for their music.
     
    Such relaxation will also have a positive effect on people’s health. My father’s friend worked as an engineer, who remained sedentary in front of a computer every weekday. His neck ached after watching the screen for long hours. Invited by his colleagues, he took part in the badminton club of the company. With the relaxation of this physical activity, he managed to relieve himself from the working pressure and felt much better with the sickness of his neck.
     
    To some extent, it seems that having some relaxation related to people’s work will benefit the companies since employees are engaged in work for much longer hours. However, it never takes the feelings of workers into account. People may get bored with daily working tasks, it is necessary to have different activities to eliminate the pressure so that they can hold a positive attitude towards their work.

    Score

    56.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. You need to further minimize the number of passive-voice sentences;
    2. Shorten or split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    3. Remove all useless adverbs ( I have done that for you in the version above.)

    Rewrite and re-upload your essay.