Young people who commit serious crimes such as a rubbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Young people who commit serious crimes such as a rubbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  • Zachary Lee
    University: University of Leeds
    Nationality: Asian
    July 19, 2019 at 2:35 pm

    Young people who commit serious crimes such as a rubbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults

    IELTS Writing Topic: : Young people who commit serious crimes such as a rubbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

    Teenage crimes happen rather often in today’s society, and teenagers are usually sentenced much lighter than adults in most countries. Some people believe that teenagers ought to follow the same standards of penalty as adults, but I believe the death sentence should be avoided and the rest would be better to follow adults’ standard.

    People who think young people who commit crimes should be punished as adult criminals might have following reasons. First of all, according to each country’s constitution, citizens should be equally treated despite gender, age, and race. From this perspective, even though youngsters commit crimes, they have no reasons to be treated differently. Second of all, the phenomenon of teenage crimes might barely be reduced if young criminals could be differently sentenced. If it is perceived to be less responsible for potential teenage perpetrators to commit crimes, then the number of these crimes (including serious violence, rape, and kidnap) would not be reduced.

    However, from my point of view, the crime sentences of young people could mostly follow adults’ standard apart from the death penalty. It is widely recognised that people before 18 have not cultivated correct enough values and norms yet. Due to that, correcting youngsters is often deemed to be easier than adults. Thus, young convicts still have the opportunity to correct their wrong values and even receive education in the prison. Subsequently, they could make contribution to the society when they are off jail. And this is what countries’ laws normally follow worldwide.

    To conclude, I strongly understand those people’s willingness to fight against crimes and lest them happen again especially amongst youngsters. Nevertheless, even if young people commit serious crimes, they are still worth to be given a second chance.

    July 23, 2019 at 9:38 pm

    Score: 59.6

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Teenage crimes happen rather often in today’s society, and teenagers are usually sentenced much lighter than adults in most countries. [ wordy ]Some people believe that teenagers ought to follow the same standards of penalty as adults, but I believe the death sentence should be avoided[passive] and the rest [ Unclear word ] would be better to follow adults’ standard.[ wordy ]
     
    People who think young people who commit crimes should be punished [passive]as adult criminals might have following reasons. First of all, according to each country’s constitution, citizens should be equally treated[ passive ] despite gender, age, and race. From this perspective, even though youngsters commit crimes, they have no reasons to be treated [passive]differently. Second of all, the phenomenon [ wrong word ] of teenage crimes might barely be reduced[passive] if young criminals could be differently sentenced.[ Subjunctive ] If it is perceived [passive]to be less responsible for potential teenage perpetrators to commit crimes, then the number of these crimes (including serious violence, rape, and kidnap) would not be reduced[passive].[ wordy ][ Subjunctive mood ]
     
    However, from my point of view, the crime sentences of young people could mostly follow adults’ standard apart from the death penalty. It is widely recognised that people before 18 have not cultivated correct enough [word order/choice of word  ] values and norms yet. Due to that, correcting youngsters is often deemed to be easier than adults. Thus, young convicts still have the opportunity to correct their wrong values and even receive education in [ article ] the prison. Subsequently, they could make [  article] contribution to the society when they are off jail. And this is what countries’ laws normally follow worldwide.
     
    To conclude, I strongly [  wrong word] understand those people’s willingness to fight against crimes and lest them happen again especially amongst youngsters. [ wordy ]Nevertheless, even if young people commit serious crimes, they are still worth to be given [passive]a second chance.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    5. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    6. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    7. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    8. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    9. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    10. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    11. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    12. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    13. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    14. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    15. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    16. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    17. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.