Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones in communication has negative effects on young people’s reading and writing skills. To what degree do you agree or disagree?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones in communication has negative effects on young people’s reading and writing skills. To what degree do you agree or disagree?

  • Vvic
    University: Donghua
    Nationality: Taiwan
    August 5, 2019 at 7:12 am

    TOPIC: Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones in communication has negative effects on young people’s reading and writing skills. To what do you agree or disagree?

    An increasing number of people have initiated a discussion on whether technology can affect the life of human species. Some believe the prevalence of using high tech devices to communicate is harmful to youngster’s reading and writing skills. While others stand on the totally opposite side of my perspective. Even though I have a tendency to believe in the former argument, ideas of either as well as my own voices will be discussed and elaborated in this essay.

    First and foremost, the reliance on the computer and mobile phones take a large part of influence on youngster’s capacity of writing. In this generation, people perceive typing as their daily lives when there’s a chance to talk with others. And social media or APPs coming up all the time. Gradually, people are familiar with using simple words to get in touch with others. This may diminish their capacity to write an article or even a paragraph. With those high tech technologies, youngsters would face such difficulties as they get to an older age.

    Moreover, youngsters could decline their ability to read with watching videos and visual features on phones of computers. Therefore, they will be unwilling to read articles or papers for being used to get information or news on their technology devices. For example, people often read the news on APPs or computers. But humans tend to watch pictures or videos but not words, so that would make newspaper being less read in our everyday lives. Thus, the representation of the high youngsters captivate the high tech devices more the engage in the reading.

    All things considered, I need to reiterate that computers and mobile phones would cause a great impact on youngster’s ability in reading and writing. My reason for this thesis are technology devices do harm to younger people.

     

    August 6, 2019 at 3:42 am

    Score: 64

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    An increasing number of people have initiated a discussion on whether technology can affect the life of human species. Some believe the prevalence of using[ logical confusion ] high tech devices to communicate is harmful to youngster’s reading and writing skills. While others stand on the totally [ unnecessary adverb ] opposite side of my perspective. Even though I have a tendency to believe in the former argument, ideas of either as well as my own voices will be discussed and elaborated in this essay.
     
    First and foremost, the reliance on the computer and mobile phones take [ grammatical error ] a large part of influence on youngster’s capacity of writing. In this generation, people perceive typing as their daily lives when there’s a chance to talk with others. And[ coordinating word error ] social media or APPs coming [  grammatical error] up all the time. Gradually, people are [weak BE verb  ] familiar with using simple words to get in touch with others. This [ unclear pronoun ] may diminish their[ unclear pronoun/ people or words? ] capacity to write an article or even a paragraph. With those high tech technologies, youngsters would face such difficulties as they get to an older age.
     
    Moreover, youngsters could decline their ability to read with watching videos and visual features on phones of computers. [wordy]Therefore, they will be unwilling to read articles or papers for being used [passive]to get information or news on their technology devices. For example, people often read the[  article error]  news on APPs or computers. But[ coordinating word/punctuation error ] humans tend to watch pictures or videos but not words, [ punctuation error ] so that would make newspaper being [ grammatical error ] less read in our everyday lives. Thus, the representation of the high youngsters captivate the high tech devices more the engage in the reading.[ unclear ]
     
    All things considered, I need to reiterate that computers and mobile phones would cause a great impact on youngster’s ability in reading and writing. [wordy]My reason for this thesis are[ grammatical error ] technology devices do harm to younger people.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.