Some lessons for young students (5-8 years old) increase their interest

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Some lessons for young students (5-8 years old) increase their interest

  • BILLXU
    University: Peking University
    Nationality: China
    April 22, 2019 at 4:53 am

    TOPIC: Some lessons for young students (5~8 years old)increase their interest to learn including video games. But some people believe it will distract young students. What is your opinion? Why?

    With the improvement of social material and educational conditions, education for young students from 5 to 8 years old is drawing an increasing attention from the public and there does arise a heated-debate topic about the lessons students should take. While an array of people urge that some lessons, including video games, should be eliminated from young students’ lessons table, I firmly believe these lessons do matter most for the following reasons.

    The first key factor is that these lessons serve as role to stimulate students’ interest to study, which is absolutely crucial for young students from 5 to 8 years. It is undoubted that interests play an essential part in the process of studying due to the fact that the interest in a specific field promotes young students to have a further study in it. Lessons including video games, can surely achieve this goal as it can not only provide much fun for young students but also enable them to study at the same time, which can satisfy young students’ need of acquiring knowledge of the world as well as finding their interests. Take myself for an example. I got exposed to a video game called Assassins Creed when I was just 7 years old . I was deeply attracted by the charming plots, describing historical events in the time of Roman empire,  in the game. Ever since, I have been enthusiasm of studying history and the experience does benefit me a lot. On the contrary, however, if these joyful lessons were removed, young students might feel bored when studying. Even worse, their interest of studying and acquiring new knowledge are likely to fade off. So, taking courses including video games is important for young students from 5 to 8 years old.

    The second contributing factor is that lessons, including video games, well matches young students cognitive ability, considering at the view of young student’s growth. Several scientific researches have indicated that it is not until 12 years old that students’ cognitive ability begins to develop at a fast speed. In other word, the cognitive ability of young students from 5 to 8 years old is just so weak that they might have trouble understanding difficult problems and knowledge. The interesting lessons, including video games, convey understandable knowledge to young students through a joyful way, dissolving the hard-understanding knowledge easy to command.   Nevertheless, through other types of lessons have the privilege to teach large quantities of knowledge to students in a  short time, young students are actually more likely to get distracted and frustrated owing to the fact that they fail to understand the knowledge. A recent research launched by THU suggests that the potential of those who have received lessons including video games and other types of entertainment  can be dug more than 30% compared with whose never have the chances of getting exposed to these interesting lessons. Needless to say, the lessons including video games, do matters for young students.

    Taking all these into consideration, I firmly recommend parents and teachers offer the chances of studying these interesting lessons to young students from 5 to 8 years old. The choice will never fail you.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 22, 2019 at 10:11 pm
    Typical Errors Highlight
    With the improvement of social material and educational conditions, education for young students from 5 to 8 years old is drawing an increasing (Grammatical Error) attention from the public and there does arise a heated-debate topic about the lessons students should take. While an array of people urge that some lessons, including video games, should be eliminated from young students’ lessons table, I firmly (Unnecessary Adverb) believe these lessons do matter most for the following reasons.
     
    The first key factor is that these lessons serve as role (Grammatical Error)to stimulate students’ interest to study, which is absolutely (Unnecessary Adverb) crucial for young students from 5 to 8 years. It is undoubted that interests play an essential part in the process of studying due to the fact that the interest in a specific field promotes young students to have a further (Grammatical Error)study in it. Lessons including video games, can surely (Unnecessary Adverb) achieve this goal as it can not only provide much fun for young students but also enable them to study at the same time, which can satisfy young students’ need of acquiring knowledge of the world as well as finding their interests. Take myself for an example. I got exposed to a video game called Assassins Creed when I was just 7 years old . (Grammatical Error)I was deeply attracted by the charming plots, describing historical events in the time of Roman (Grammatical Error)empire,  in the game. Ever since, (Grammatical Error)I have been enthusiasm (Grammatical Error)of (Grammatical Error)studying history and the experience does benefit me a lot. On the contrary, however, if these joyful lessons were removed, young students might feel bored when studying. Even worse, their interest of (Grammatical Error)studying and acquiring new knowledge are (Grammatical Error)likely to fade off. So, taking courses including video games is important for young students from 5 to 8 years old.
     
    The second contributing factor is that lessons, including video games, well matches (Grammatical Error)young students cognitive ability, considering at the view of young student’s growth. Several scientific researches (Grammatical Error)have indicated that it is not until 12 years old that students’ cognitive ability begins to develop at a fast speed. In other word, (Grammatical Error) the cognitive ability of young students from 5 to 8 years old is just (Unnecessary Adverb)so weak that they might have trouble understanding difficult problems and knowledge. The interesting lessons, including video games, convey understandable knowledge to young students through a joyful way, dissolving the hard-understanding knowledge easy to command.   Nevertheless, through other types of lessons have the privilege to teach large quantities of knowledge to students in a  short time, young students are actually more likely to get distracted and frustrated owing to the fact that they fail to understand the knowledge. A recent (Grammatical Error)research launched by THU suggests that the potential of those who have received lessons including video games and other types of entertainment  can (Grammatical Error) be dug more than 30% compared with whose never have the chances of getting exposed to these interesting lessons. Needless to say, the lessons including video games, do matters for young students.
     
    Taking all these into consideration, I firmly(Unnecessary Adverb) recommend parents and teachers offer the chances of studying these interesting lessons to young students from 5 to 8 years old. The choice will never fail you.
    —————-
    Partial Revision (There are still numerous grammatical/logical/factual errors.)

    With the improvement of social material and educational conditions, education for young students from 5 to 8 years old is drawing increasing attention from the public, and there does arise a heated-debate topic about the lessons students should take. While an array of people urge that some lessons, including video games, should be eliminated from young students’ lessons table, I believe these lessons do matter most for the following reasons.

    The first key factor is that these lessons serve as a role to stimulate students’ interest to study, which is crucial for young students from 5 to 8 years. It is undoubted that interests play an essential part in the process of studying because the interest in a specific field promotes young students to have a further study in it. Lessons including video games can achieve this goal as it can not only provide much fun for young students but also enable them to study at the same time, which can satisfy young students’ need of acquiring knowledge of the world as well as finding their interests. Take myself for an example. I got exposed to a video game called Assassins Creed when I was seven years old. I was attracted by the charming plots, describing historical events in the time of the Roman empire,  in the game. Ever since I have been enthusiastic about studying history and the experience does benefit me a lot.

    On the contrary, however, if these joyful lessons were removed, young students might feel bored when studying. Even worse, their interest in studying and acquiring new knowledge is likely to fade off. So, taking courses including video games is essential for young students from 5 to 8 years old. The second contributing factor is that lessons, including video games, well match young students cognitive ability, considering at the view of young student’s growth. Several scientific pieces of research have indicated that it is not until 12 years old that students’ cognitive ability begins to develop at a fast speed. In other words, the cognitive ability of young students from 5 to 8 years old is so weak that they might have trouble understanding difficult problems and knowledge. The interesting lessons, including video games, convey understandable knowledge to young students through a joyful way, dissolving the hard-understanding knowledge easy to command.

    Nevertheless, through other types of lessons have the privilege to teach large quantities of knowledge to students in a  short time, young students are more likely to get distracted and frustrated because they fail to understand the knowledge. Recent research launched by THU suggests that the potential of those who have received lessons including video games and other types of entertainment can be dug more than 30% compared with whose never have the chances of getting exposed to these exciting lessons.

    Needless to say, the lessons including video games, do matters for young students. Taking all these into consideration, I recommend parents and teachers offer the chances of studying these interesting lessons to young students from 5 to 8 years old. The choice will never fail you.

    ———–
    Score: 55.7
    Suggestions for Improvement
    • Shorten your essay to 320 words;
    • Minimize use of passive-voice;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten all paragraphs to -90 words;
    Rewrite your essay from my ‘Revision Version’ to address the issues noted above and then re-upload your essay.
    Regards,
    Lin Qiu
    BILLXU
    University: Peking University
    Nationality: China
    April 23, 2019 at 12:29 pm

    With the development of social material conditions, education for young students from 5 to 8 years old is drawing increasing attention from the public and there does arise a heated-debated topic about the lessons students should take. While an array of people urge that some lessons, including video games, should be eliminated from young students’ lessons table, I believe these lessons do matter most for the following reasons.

    The first key factor is that these lessons serve as a role to stimulate students’ interest in studying, which is crucial for young students from 5 to 8 years. It is undoubted that interest plays an essential part in the process of studying due to the fact that the interest in a specific field promotes students to have further study in it. Lessons including video games, can achieve this goal by providing fun for students and enabling them to study as well, satisfying their needs of acquiring knowledge and exploring their interests. Take myself for an example. I got exposed to a video game called Assassins Creed when I was just 7. I was deeply attracted by the charming plots, describing historical events in  Roman empire. Ever since I have been enthusiastic in studying history and the experience does benefit me a lot. On the contrary, however, if these joyful lessons were removed, young students might feel bored when studying. So, taking courses including video games is important for young students from 5 to 8 years old.

    The second contributing factor is that lessons, including video games, well match young students cognitive ability, considering at the view of young student’s growth. Several scientific researches have indicated that it is not until 12 years old that students’ cognitive ability begins to develop at a fast speed. In other words, the cognitive ability of young students from 5 to 8 years old is so weak that they might have trouble understanding difficult problems and knowledge. The interesting lessons, including video games, convey understandable knowledge to young students through a joyful way, making the hard knowledge easy to command.   Nevertheless, through other types of lessons have the privilege to teach large quantities of knowledge to students in a  short time, young students are actually more likely to get distracted and frustrated owing to the fact that they fail to understand the knowledge. A recent research launched by THU has suggested that the potential of those who have received lessons including video games and other types of entertainment  can be dug more than 30% compared with whose never have the chances of getting exposed to these interesting lessons. Needless to say, the lessons including video games, do matters for young students.

    Taking all these into consideration, I recommend parents and teachers offer the chances of studying these interesting lessons to young students from 5 to 8 years old. The choice will never fail you.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    April 24, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    Score: 55.4

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Shorten your essay to 320 words;
    2. Control each paragraph to 85 words;
    3. Shorten/split all sentences exceeding 20 words;
    4. Reduce passive-voice sentences.

    Rewrite and resubmit your essay.

    Regards.