Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

  • haobo
    University: Xi'an Jiaotong University
    Nationality: China
    May 20, 2020 at 7:25 am

    Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

    Nowadays, there is an increasingly large number of parents encourage their kids to study by giving them financial rewards, especially in the more population-dense countries. While some people believe this is a great idea to make their children study hard, saying that this is the best way to let kids work hard, in my perspective, this is complete nonsense. I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs.

    First, offering money to a high grade would damage the students’ learning consciousness. If students have already known that they could get money praise for their good results in the exam, they would learn for money, not for interests. It deviates from the purpose of education — teach students to learn by themselves. There was a psychological study on this behavior, where researchers observed the future development of those children’s lives. It turned out that most people were not satisfied with their current lives.

    Apart from the disadvantage of students’ interests, encouraging in this way also contorts their sense of values. Gone are the days when kids could be attractive to people after students eventually become workers. In my university, many professors complain that it is too rare for students can do well both in the exams and real research. Awarding good grades on exams will strengthen the idea that they can make money by studying. However, under no circumstance will a grown-up can profit from the simple learning process. People have to do more than learning to establish them in society.

    Hence, even though it is common that some parents provide children with financial rewards for good grades, it does not mean that common way is a perfect way, in that this rewarding harms both their interests and their values. Therefore, contrary to what those parents may believe, I will argue that it is far from a good idea to offer money to students for the high mark they get in school.

     

    May 20, 2020 at 4:12 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 35% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. Avoid using redundant writing like THERE BE;
    3. Create concrete content for each sentence. Remove sentences like ”
      I will elaborate on this viewpoint in the following paragraphs.”

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    haobo
    University: Xi'an Jiaotong University
    Nationality: China
    May 21, 2020 at 6:11 am

    Revision:

    Nowadays, there is an increasingly large number of parents encouraging their kids to study by giving them financial rewards. Some people believe this is a great idea to make their children study hard because this is a good way to let kids work hard. However, in my perspective, this is complete nonsense. We have several reasons for this.

    First, offering money to a high grade would damage the students’ learning habitat. If students have already known that they could get money reward for their good results in the exam, they would learn for money. This habitat deviates from the purpose of education — teach students to learn by themselves. There was a psychological study on this behavior. Researchers observed the future development of those children. It turned out that most people were not satisfied with their current lives.

    Apart from the disadvantage of students’ interests, encouraging in this way also distorts their values towards learning. As a kid grows up, he or she can no longer be praised by getting good grades if the kid do not understand how to utilize the learned knowledge. In my university, many professors complain that few students can apply knowledge to the research. Awarding good grades on exams will strengthen the idea that they can make money by studying. But, under no circumstance will a grown-up can profit from learning. People have to do more than learning to establish them in society.

    Hence, even though it is common that some parents provide children with financial rewards for good grades, it does not mean that the common way is the perfect way, in that this rewarding harms both their interests and their habits. Therefore, contrary to what those parents may believe, I will argue that it is far from a good idea to offer money to students for the high mark.

    May 25, 2020 at 1:47 am

     

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 10% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    3. Avoid using THERE BE since it is wordy and unclear. i.e. Nowadays, there is an increasingly large number of parents encouraging their kids to study by giving them financial rewards. – Nowadays, many parents encourage their kids to study harder via financial incentivization; 
    4. Remove all sentences/phrases/words that repeat the prior content. I.E. “Some people believe this is a great idea to make their children study hard because this is a good way to let kids work hard.”  The main content of this sentence was already used in the prior sentence. 

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.