Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent

  • Monster
    University: wuhan
    Nationality: china
    May 14, 2019 at 5:30 am

    An old man and an old woman were dependent on each other on the beach.

    TOPIC: Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.

    Recently, whether a human being become successful more due to the coordination or the individual work by himself has become a debatable topic. My belief is that a closely linked world and society are quite beneficial to ourselves.

    In the first place, group working has become an essential skill in today’s highly globalized world. 3 months ago, I was a marketing intern in a world-famous beauty company. In order to create brilliant brand concept and campaigns, everyone was required to engage in brainstorms nearly every afternoon. Throughout various discussion, we set and revised ideas again and again to defend any possible mistakes. It is excited that we finally did a good project, which truly proves that the power of people is stronger than a person.

    On the other hand, the reliance on each other actually improves the relationship among people. In another word, more coordination makes we can listen, feel and consider each other better. For example, each year, the UN will hold lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve diverse problems as many as possible. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as the global warming and terrorism, people from different areas have chance to exchange views and remove some prejudice.

    In short, being dependent is a worldwide trend. Not only in daily work, but also in international society, the trend is teaching us to live and work like a big family.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 14, 2019 at 8:55 pm

    Score: 57.6

    Suggestions for Improvement

    1. Convert passive-voice sentences into their active counterparts;
    2. Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Recently, whether a human being become [Grammatical Error]successful more due to the coordination or the individual work by himself has become a debatable topic. [Verbose, hard-to-read sentence]My belief is that a closely linked world and society are quite beneficial to ourselves.
     
    In the first place, group working has become an essential skill in today’s highly globalized world. 3[Conventions Issue] months ago, I was a marketing intern in a world-famous beauty company. In order to create [Article Issue]brilliant brand concept and campaigns, everyone was required[Passive Voice] to engage in brainstorms nearly every afternoon. [Verbose, hard-to-read sentence]Throughout various discussion[Grammatical Error], we set and revised ideas again and again to defend any possible mistakes. It is excited [Passive Voice] that we finally did a good project, which truly[Unnecessary Adverb] proves that the power of people is stronger than a person.
     
    On the other hand, the reliance on each other actually improves the relationship among people. In another [Incorrect word choice]word, more coordination makes we can listen, feel and consider each other better. For example, each year, the UN will hold lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve diverse problems as many as possible. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as the [Article Issue]global warming and terrorism, people from different areas have [Article Issue] chance to exchange views and remove some prejudice. [Verbose, hard-to-read sentence]
     
    In short, being dependent is a worldwide trend. Not only in daily work, but also in international society, the trend is teaching us to live and work like [Problematic Word Choice] a big family.
    Comment: There are more issues than those highlighted ones. Rewrite and re-submit your essay. 
    Monster
    University: wuhan
    Nationality: china
    May 16, 2019 at 9:43 am

    Recently, whether a person succeeds more rely on the coordination or the individual work by himself has become a debatable topic. My belief is that a closely linked world and society are quite beneficial to ourselves.

    In the first place, group working has become an essential skill in today’s highly globalized world. Three months ago, I was a marketing intern in a world-famous beauty company. In order to explore brilliant brand concept and campaigns, everyone engaged in brainstorms.  Throughout various discussions, we set and revised pitch deck again and again to defend any possible mistakes. Fortunately,  we finally did a good project, which proves that the power of a group is stronger than one person.

    On the other hand, the reliance on each other actually improves the relationship among people. In other words, more coordination makes we can listen, feel and consider each other better. For example, each year, the UN will hold lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve diverse problems as many as possible. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as global warming and terrorism. Therefore, people from different nations will exchange their opinions and eventually come to an agreement.

    In short, being dependent is a worldwide trend, not only in daily work, but also in international society. I believe, a combined world will bring more hope for future.

    Thanks for editing.

    PS: I would like to know if the main message of this article is conveyed clearly.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 17, 2019 at 3:11 am

    Score: 60.6

    Problems Highlight

    Recently, whether a person succeeds [Tense inconsistent with(recently)]more rely [grammatical error] on the coordination or the individual work by himself has become a debatable topic. [Repeating the topic will result in a very low score] My belief is[Verbose] that a [Article Problem]closely linked world and society are [grammatical error] quite beneficial to ourselves.

    In the first place, group working has become an essential skill [wrong word] in today’s highly [Unnecessary Adverb]globalized world. Three months ago, I was [use BE verb] a marketing intern in[Wrong preposition] a world-famous beauty [wrong word]company. In order to explore [article error]brilliant brand concept and campaigns, everyone engaged in brainstorms. Throughout various discussions, we set and revised pitch deck again and again to defend any possible mistakes. Fortunately[Unnecessary adverb], we finally did a good project, which proves that the power of a group is stronger than [unparallelled comparison] one person.

    On the other hand, the reliance on each other actually[unnecesary adverb] improves the relationship among people. In other words, more coordination makes [wrong word] we can listen, feel and consider each other better. For example, each year, the UN will[grammatical error] hold lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve diverse problems as many as possible[Repetition]. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as global warming and terrorism[grammatical error]. Therefore, people from different nations will exchange their opinions and eventually come to an agreement[Verbose].

    In short, being dependent is a worldwide trend, not only in daily work, [punctuation error]but also in[article error] international society. I believe, [punctuation error] a combined world will bring more hope for [article error]future.

    Comment: Revise and re-submit your essay.

    Monster
    University: wuhan
    Nationality: china
    May 19, 2019 at 1:40 pm

    Recently, there came an argument in society about whether a person more depends on coordination or individual work by himself. Both sides have their own reasons, but I more favor the first view.

    In the first place, group working has become a basic skill in today’s globalized world. In college, teachers advocate group presentations, and in work place, leaders prefer teamwork. For example, three months ago, I worked as a marketing intern in a world-famous advertising agency. In order to make brilliant brand concept for our client, everyone engaged in brainstorms. Throughout discussions, we set and revised pitch deck again and again to defend any possible mistakes. Finally, we did a good project, which proves that the power of teamwork is endless.

    On the other hand, the reliance on each other improves the relationship among people beyond nations. In other words, teamwork helps us listen, feel and consider each other better. For example, each year, the United Nations holds lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve problems as many as possible. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as global warming and population crisis. Therefore, people from different countries get chances to exchange opinions and work together to protect our earth. In fact, people have learned to be dependent since ancient times, which saved our ancestors from danger and hunger.

    In short, humans being dependent is a worldwide trend as almost everything gets more connected. To some extent, it enables each person to think and work as a family, which will benefit the society a lot.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 21, 2019 at 10:11 pm

    Score: 64.5

    Will get back to you shortly.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    May 22, 2019 at 5:13 am

    Final Revision

    Recently, there has been came an argument in society about whether a person more depends more on coordination with others or individual/independent work by himself. Both sides have their own reasons/advantages/benefits, but I more favour favor the first view more.

    In the first place, group working has become a basic skill in today’s globalised globalized world. In college, teachers advocate group presentations, and in the workplace work place, leaders prefer teamwork. For example, three months ago, I worked as a marketing intern in a world-famous advertising agency. In order to make a brilliant brand concept for our client, everyone engaged in brainstorming brainstorms. Throughout our/the discussions, we set and revised our/the pitch deck again and again to defend/avoid/preclude any possible mistakes. Finally, we did/completed a good project, which proves that the power of teamwork is endless.

    On the other hand, the reliance on each other improves the relationship among people beyond in different nations. In other words, teamwork helps us listen, feel and consider each other‘s ideas better. For example, each year, the United Nations holds a lot lots of world summits, aiming to gather countries to solve as many problems as possible through many as possible. In the process of dealing with those issues, such as global warming and the population crisis. Therefore, people from different countries get chances to exchange opinions and work together to protect our eEarth. In fact, people have learned to be interdependent since ancient times, which saved our ancestors from danger and hunger.

    In short, humans being dependent is a worldwide trend as almost everything gets more connected. To some extent, it enables each person to think and work as a family, which will benefit the society a lot.