Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  • NY491
    University: EUCPL
    Nationality: Chinese
    July 27, 2020 at 3:56 pm

    Some people think the most important thing about being rich is that it gives an opportunity to help other people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

    Some people argue that for rich people reaching out to people in need is the most critical. While I agree that giving a helping hand to needy people is of great significance, it is definitely not the most important thing and there are many other meaningful things to do.

    On the one hand, I admit that being rich creates opportunities to help others because only when one has a solid economic foundation, without worrying about bringing food to the table or provide a good education for the kids can he really make efforts to help those in trouble. For example, Billionaires like Bill Gates and Jack Ma have established their own charity foundations, aiming at building schools in the mountainous areas and sponsoring students to go to college.

    Nevertheless, I believe that there lie many other things as important as lending a helping hand to needy people. Spending quality time with family members is one of them. Generally speaking, in order to gain fortune, one usually gives priority to work, sacrificing time with family members. Thus after being rich it is absolutely necessary to devote more time with family members. Going on a trip together or playing sports with the kids is a very good choice. Furthermore, one’s sense of happiness comes from professional achievements as well. Apart from making huge profits, how to expand business and create more jobs are worth one’s effort, because it makes contributions to the development of society.

    In conclusion, helping others for the rich is of great importance, but I believe there also exist many equally important things like accompanying the family and expanding business.

     

    July 28, 2020 at 9:40 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Wordy – remove unnecessary words;
    2. Article errors;
    3. Word choice errors;
    4. About 35% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.