Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Be sure to use your own words. Do not use memorized examples.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Be sure to use your own words. Do not use memorized examples.

  • Nathan_Wong
    University: Peking University
    Nationality: Chinese
    June 4, 2021 at 10:30 am

    Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Be sure to use your own words. Do not use memorized examples.

    The influence imposed by others on students, the essential contributor that fosters their characteristics, has been valued and even engendered a bitter controversy surrounding who has more significant influence – teachers or friends. Teachers, in some people’s view, have a more crucial effect on students. If I were forced to take a stand, I would firmly say that it is friends who exert a more profound influence on students.

    First and foremost, students spend more time with their close friends instead of teachers, which lays a solid foundation for friends to alter them in several important ways. Initially, friends accompany students more after school. To be more specific, students merely spend limited hours, namely only during lectures, with their teachers. However, they will do numerous activities other than attending classes in the company of their friends. For instance, they take part in extra-curriculum together, do some sports, go to movies, etc. The more time they spend with someone, the more likely they are affected by them.

    On top of that, what is equally worth mentioning is that teachers can only impart limited knowledge to students, whereas friends could teach a colossal number of lessons to their peers. In other words, the things students acquire are no more than practical skills or theoretical knowledge, such as archeology, literature, botany and astronomy, which will not shape students’ personalities. Drawing from my personal experience, once I went bungee jumping with my best buddy Nathan. I was so afraid of the scaring height that I shrank from the platform with desperation. Nevertheless, Nathan kept encouraging me and told me that was not a big deal, and he jumped first to prove that everything was safe. Gradually, I gained my courage, stepped out, closed my eyes, and jumped down. I conquered my fear! Had it not for Nathan’s uplifting encouragement and role model, I would never have learned to step out of my comfort zone and face the uncertainty.

    In conclusion, it is the friends who constitute a larger part of our life that will influence us more.

    Douvleplus
    University: High School - Cannon School
    Nationality: China
    June 4, 2021 at 2:40 pm

    It seems like there are two points, but the first point’s example is this:

    For instance, they take part in extra-curriculum together, do some sports, go to movies, etc. The more time they spend with someone, the more likely they are affected by them.

    This example demonstrates how friends would spend time together. But I don’t see the example can prove “The more time they spend with someone, the more likely they are affected by them”. This ending sentence was probably trying to connect with the beginning topic sentence to strengthen the point, but the example confuses what you are trying to prove. Furthermore, it seems that the second point is dependent on the first point, which means you can merge the two paragraphs and make them one point. Because the second example you provided can well prove the point you claimed in the first paragraph – spending more time with friends “lays a solid foundation for friends to alter them in several important ways. ”

    I might be wrong though. I think this is a great essay that deserves a full score, but just this point confused me.

    Nathan_Wong
    University: Peking University
    Nationality: Chinese
    June 5, 2021 at 6:30 am

    Thank you so much, Douvleplus. I really appreciate your reply.

    You are not wrong at all! In fact, you pointed out the two most essential problems of my essay, i.e., (1) the relationship between the example and the main idea, and (2) the relationship between two main ideas. Actually, as you mentioned, I had difficulties coming up with suitable examples and main ideas supporting the thesis, namely students exert more influence, which directly resulted in the interdependence and the overlap of the two main ideas and instances.

    Moreover, you are also right in terms of the logic between the first example and the conclusion (“the more, the more” one). There are no direct links between the two.

    I will carefully consider your advice, and I sincerely thank you for the suggestions. You are really a good advisor and reader!

    By the way,  If you also prefer, I would like to share with you my WhatsApp or other contacts so that we can mutually help each otherer in writing.

    Douvleplus
    University: High School - Cannon School
    Nationality: China
    June 5, 2021 at 2:12 pm

    No problems! I also learned a lot from your essay. My number is 7043106614.

    June 6, 2021 at 2:29 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them. (TOEFL/IELTS: 15%- qualifies for non-software revision; 30% applies to GRE writing)
    2. About 30% of the sentences are passive; convert them into their active counterparts. (10%- qualifies for non-software TOEFL/IELTS/GRE writing revision );
    3. Lots of sentences are unclear;
    4. Lengthy paragraphs; restrict each paragraph to 90 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.