Do you agree or disagree technology has made children life less creative than in the past. support your answer with reasons and examples.

Score: 57.5

Suggestions for Improvement

• Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
• Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words；
• Restrict each paragraph to 85 words;
• Remove redundancies and logical confusion; improve clarity.

Problems Highlight

When it comes to creativity, people tend to think that we are less creative than our ancestors. Actually,[Problematic/unnecessary adverb] it is more difficult for us to make [article error] breakthrough[logical incompleteness]. This [unclear pronoun]is true for adults. So, how about children? From my observation, children are less creative, too. Comparing with my childhood, my nephews’ are boring[punctuation error] and they seldom come up with new ideas. I believe that one of the causes is the development of technology.[unclear]

First and foremost, technology leads children to pay more attention to the virtual world rather than the real environment. We know that the nature[word form error] environment benefits children’s creativity[logical confusion]. Once children get involved in the nature [word form error] environment, they will observe the new scenery that is totally different from their daily environment. [Verbose]This [unclear pronoun]will inspire their creativity. I used to take part in a nature education project, which is[tense error] designed for the urban children and aims [tense error] at increasing creativity. Such a project is a compensation for the loss of the natural experience.[unclear] However, this is far from enough. Besides, technology will deprive children of the ability to create[redundant]. Take myself as an example. When I was young, there were not so many televisions and dramas. My friends and I would make up the characters we liked and play our own[unnecessary word] drama, which was a wonderful opportunity for creativity. Nevertheless, with the development of television technology, televisions become affordable for most families. There are so many dramas for children to choose that they will not play their own[unnecessary word] drama like what we did in the past.

I know that most children will not be as creative as great scientists like Einstein. But technology development make [grammatical error]creativity harder. We cannot barely [redundancy]blame the decrease of children’s creativity on technology. What we need to think is the degree to which we should expose our children on technology and how to minimize the negative influence of technology.

Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

[Please share the URL of this essay on your WeChat Moments or other social media channels if you like my revision. Thank you!]

Score: 60.9

You need to keep each paragraph within 85 words before I work on your essay again.

Writing Tips

1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
5. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
6. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
7. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
8. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
9. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
10. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
11. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
12. There Be Sentence: Wordy
13. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
14. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
15. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
16. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.

Score: 56.2

Suggestions for Improvement

• Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
• Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

Problems Highlight

When it comes to creativity, people tend to think that we are less creative than our ancestors. In fact, (it becomes more difficult for us to)[  wordy] make [article error]scientific breakthrough, which is true for adults[redundant  ]. So,[ coordinating word ] how about children? From my observation, children’s creativity decreases, too. [ logical incompleteness ]Comparing [dangling modifer]with my childhood, my nephews’ childhoods are (sort of)[wrody  ] boring [punctuation]and they seldom come up with new, funny ideas. I believe that we can attribute the decreasing creativity on the development of technology partly.[Incorrect sentence/hard to understand  ]

First and foremost, technology leads children to pay attention to the virtual world rather than the natural environment. The natural environment [repetition  ]benefits children’s perception, which is vital for the development of creativity. [Wordy]Once children expose [incorrect word use]to the natural environment[  repetition], they will observe the different scenery. This difference will inspire their perception and creativity. I used to take part in a natural[ wrong word ] education project. This project functioned as the compensation for the loss of the natural experience and benefited creativity.[Wordy/unclear; bad writing] However, this is far from enough.[ unclear ]

Besides, technology will deprive children of creativity. [ absolute ]Take myself as an example. When I was young, televisions and dramas were unavailable. My friends and I would make up the characters we liked and play [ grammatical error ]our self-created drama, which was a wonderful opportunity for creativity[ logical confusion ]. Nevertheless, with the development of television technology, televisions become affordable for most families. There exists [grammatical error/There Be sentence]so [ so…that ]many dramas for children to choose that they will not play their own[reduncant] drama like what we did in the past.

I know that most children will not grow as creative[ grammatical error ] as great scientists like Einstein. But technology development makes creativity harder[logical inconsistency  ]. We cannot merely blame the decline of children’s creativity on  technology. What we need to think is the degree to which we should expose our children on[  wrong preposition] technology and how to minimize the negative influence of technology.

Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

[Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

Writing Tips

1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
5. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
6. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
7. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
8. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
9. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
10. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
11. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
12. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
13. There Be Sentence: Wordy
14. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
15. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
16. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
17. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.