Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

  • Suzy Lee
    University: Wuhan University
    Nationality: China
    July 14, 2019 at 12:28 pm

    This is inappropriate TV advertising towards young children (2-5 years old).

    Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

    It is undeniable that watching television advertisement is very common among the public. There exists an opinion that television advertising directed toward young children(aged two to five) should be banned. However, I disagree with this argument.

    First, television advertising aimed at young children who are two to five years old may enhance their interests in the nature and strengthen the bond between their parents and them. For instance, in China, a famous zoo always put vivid pictures of giraffes, tigers, lions, rhinos, big cactus and sunflowers on television to attract the young children’s attention. Children may focus on those different species and have a desire to make communications with them, which makes them close to the nature.  Then, parents of those children will lead them to the zoo to see various of animals and plants. They will answer the young’s questions and accompany them. Hence, in this process, the bond between parents and children may be reinforced.

    Second, television advertising targeting at young children can help the young improve the development of intelligence and emotional intelligence. For example, a television advertising of puzzle is displaying different beautiful patterns such as a big blue house with a lovely dog and a white plane with sharp wings. Meanwhile, a little boy in the tv is putting the puzzle together dozens of times without complaint. Then, the children will be deeply attracted and their parents will buy them the product. When they thinking continually about how to complete the puzzle, their intelligence is gradually developing. Moreover, during the process, those young need to be patient and try again and again to complete the puzzle, and thus their emotional intelligence is well developed.

    In conclusion, television advertising should be allowed to young children because it has a great deal of benefits. Also, the television advertising should be made with more discretion due to its influential effects.

     

    July 15, 2019 at 10:10 pm

    Score: 57.5

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    It is undeniable that watching television advertisement is very common among the public. [lacking a connection]There [Subject doesn’t echo the subject/object of the prior sentence] exists an opinion that television advertising directed toward young children(aged two to five) should be banned. [passive]However, I disagree with this argument.

    First, television advertising aimed at young children who are two to five years old may enhance their interests in the nature and strengthen the bond between their parents and them. [Verbose]For instance, in China, a famous zoo always put [grammatical error]vivid pictures of giraffes, tigers, lions, rhinos, big cactus and sunflowers on television to attract the [article error]young children’s attention.[Verbose] [lacking connections] Children[Repetition] may focus on those different species and have a desire to make communications with them, which makes them close to the [article error]nature. Then, parents of those children will [inconsistency in tense] lead them to the zoo to see various of [preposition error]animals and plants. They [Unclear pronoun] will answer the young’s questions and accompany them. Hence[Problematic/unnecessary adverb], in this process, the bond [Subject doesn’t echo the subject/object of the prior sentence] between parents and children may be reinforced.[passive]

    Second, television advertising targeting at young children can help the young improve the developmen[redundancy]t of intelligence and emotional intelligence.[Verbose] For example, a television advertising of puzzle is displaying different beautiful patterns such as a big blue house with a lovely dog and a white plane with sharp wings. [Verbose]Meanwhile, a little boy in the tv is putting the puzzle together dozens of times without complaint. Then, the children [error of word form]will be deeply attracted [punctuation error/passive voice]and their [inconsistency in pronoun] parents will buy them the product. When they[Unclear pronoun] thinking[grammatical error] continually about how to complete the puzzle, their intelligence is gradually developing. [Verbose] Moreover, during the process, those young need to be patient and try again and again[redundancy] to complete the puzzle, and thus their emotional intelligence is well developed. [Verbose/grammatical error]

    In conclusion, television advertising should be allowed [passive]to[wrong preposition] young children because it has a great deal of [incorrect usage]benefits. Also, the [article error]television advertising should be made [passive]with more discretion due to its influential effects.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share the URL of this essay on your WeChat Moments or other social media channels if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Suzy Lee
    University: Wuhan University
    Nationality: China
    July 17, 2019 at 2:08 pm

    Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

    There exists an opinion that young children (aged two to five) should not watch television advertising directed toward them. However, I disagree with this argument because commercials are beneficial to the youngsters.

    First, television advertising is able to enhance young children’s interests in the nature and strengthen the bond with their parents. For instance, in China, a famous zoo always shows some vivid pictures of giraffes, rhinos, cactus and sunflowers on television. This can draw the young’s attention and makes them go to the zoo with their parents. The Children will become more interested in the nature when staying in close contact with different species. If some rare animals and plants are being noticed, they may ask their parents some questions. And the parents will be patient to answer them. As a result, youngsters and their parents will become close.

    Second, television advertising can make small children know fresh things well since it presents various products. For example, an advertisement is displaying colorful and beautiful puzzles of Van Goh’s “the Starry Night”. And the young may be attracted by this ad, asking their parents to buy them the puzzles. When doing the jigsaw, children may think repeatedly to complete it piece by piece. So, they will know and memorize the painting of Van Goh. Similarly, a tv commercial shows bald eagle-shaped building blocks. They are so appealing that a child may ask his grandmother to buy them. Imagine that this boy carefully builds the blocks and balance every part of them. During this process, he will keep the image of bald eagle in mind.

    To sum up, children are able to watch television advertising because it makes them care more about nature, keep good relationship with parents, and get to know new objects.

    July 17, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    Score: 70.1

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;

    Problems Highlight

    There exists an opinion that young children (aged two to five) should not [  Not – use an alternative expression to replace NOT ] watch television advertising directed toward them. [Verbose]However, I disagree with this argument because commercials (are beneficial to) [ Redundancy – use one verb to replace BE phrase  ] the youngsters.
     
    First, television advertising is able to enhance young children’s interests in the [article error   ] nature and strengthen the bond with their parents [  logical confusion ] . [Verbose]For instance, in China, a famous zoo always shows some vivid pictures of giraffes, rhinos, cactus and sunflowers on television. This [  unclear pronoun ] can draw the young’s attention and makes [  grammatical error ] them go to the zoo with their parents. The Children [ word form error  ] will become more interested in the [ article error  ] nature when staying in close contact with different species. If some rare animals and plants are being noticed, they may ask their parents some questions. [ grammatical error in subjunctive voice  ] And [ punctuation problem with coordinating word  ] the parents will be [  Be verb – change to concrete verb ] patient to answer them. As a result, youngsters and their parents will become close.
     
    Second, television advertising can make [weak verb – help   ] small children know fresh things well since it [ unclear pronoun  ] presents various products. [Verbose]For example, an advertisement is displaying colorful and beautiful puzzles of Van Goh’s “the [ lower case error  ] Starry Night”. And [ punctuation error with coordinating word  ] the young may be attracted by this ad, asking their parents to buy them the puzzles. When doing the jigsaw, children may think repeatedly to complete it piece by piece. So, they will know and memorize the painting of Van Goh. Similarly, a tv commercial shows bald eagle-shaped building blocks. They [  unclear pronoun ] are so appealing that a child may ask his grandmother to buy them. Imagine that this boy carefully builds the blocks and balance [   grammatical error] every part of them [  unclear pronoun ] . During this process, he will keep the image of bald eagle in mind.
     
    To sum up, children are able to watch television advertising because it makes them care more about nature, keep [ article error  ] good relationship with parents, and get to know new objects. [Verbose]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    REFERENCES

    1. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    2. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    3. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    4. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes
    5. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    6. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    7. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    8. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    9. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    10. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.