The advantage and disadvantage of the large number of young adults

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing The advantage and disadvantage of the large number of young adults

  • nbfx
    University: University of Chinese Academy of Sciences
    Nationality: Chinese
    April 11, 2019 at 1:25 pm

    Topic: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

    Nowadays, adolescent population in some countries is becoming relatively larger. Some people hold the view that there are more disadvantages in this situation, however, I disagree with this opinion. My view is that a large amount of young population can bring more advantages to the society than disadvantages. Here are the reasons.

    First of all, young adults are more enthusiastic and energetic in dealing with varieties of work, compared with older people in the same situations. The value young adults can provide to the society is greater as they are physically younger. To illustrate, it is hard for a normal 70-year-old man to sit in front of a computer and program for 8 hours per day. Nevertheless, it is quite a small load of work for a programmer in his twenties.

    Meanwhile, young people can be more innovative than the elders. Thanks to their active brains, invention and creation may be done easier for people under a certain age. It is also more difficult to figure out a sophisticated problem in scientific research for the elders.

    In addition, the program of national insurance for elder citizens is a big problem. Old people get retired from work and do not create fortune for the society anymore. It will be quite a big problem for the social security department of government to deal with, if the older population become increasingly larger. No one can take the responsibility if the money in the insurance program for elders is not adequate, which can cause disastrous consequence to the whole country.

    To sum up, it is quite a good circumstance if there is larger population of young people than old people. Because the youngers are more energetic and innovative in creating wealth, and they are the particular ones creating value.

    April 11, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    Score: 50.7 (Good job!)  Try to score 53+.

    You need to rewrite your essay to address the problem below.

    Problems (1)

    Sentence length: 38.9% of the sentences contain more than 20 words, which is more than the recommended maximum of 20%. Try to shorten the sentences to 20 words (preferably 15 words for most sentences).

    Good results (4)

    Passive voice: You’re using enough active voice. That’s great!

    Consecutive sentences: There is enough variety in your sentences. That’s great!

    Paragraph length: None of the paragraphs are too long. Great job!

    Transition words: Well done!

    nbfx
    University: University of Chinese Academy of Sciences
    Nationality: Chinese
    April 12, 2019 at 12:44 am

    Nowadays, adolescent population in some countries is becoming relatively larger. Some people hold the view that there are more disadvantages in this situation, however, I disagree with this opinion. My view is that a large amount of young population can bring more advantages to the society than disadvantages. Here are the reasons.

    First of all, young adults are more enthusiastic and energetic in dealing with varieties of work, compared with older people in the same situations. The value young adults can provide to the society is greater as they are physically younger. To illustrate, it is hard for a normal 70-year-old man to sit in front of a computer and program for 8 hours per day. Nevertheless, it is quite a small load of work for a programmer in his twenties.

    Meanwhile, young people can be more innovative than the elders. Thanks to their active brains, invention and creation may be done easier for people under a certain age. It is also more difficult to figure out a sophisticated problem in scientific research for the elders.

    In addition, the program of national insurance for elder citizens is a big problem. Old people get retired from work and do not create fortune for the society anymore. It will be quite a big problem for the social security department of government to deal with, if the older population become increasingly larger. No one can take the responsibility if the money in the insurance program for elders is not adequate, which can cause disastrous consequence to the whole country.

    To sum up, it is quite a good circumstance if there is larger population of young people than old people. Because the youngers are more energetic and innovative in creating wealth, and they are the particular ones creating value.

    April 13, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    Report from WritersForMe.com

    SCORE

    60.5

    PROBLEMS

    • Several sentences exceed 20 words;
    • Excessive use of adverbs (either remove unnecessary adverbs or substitute them with forceful verbs);
    • Convention errors (check sentence spacing);
    • Punctuation errors (check online how to use comma and semicolon within a sentence or between sentences/clauses);
    • Vocabulary/Variety (avoid using same words/expressions).

    GOOD POINTS

    1. Sentence flow: Great!
    2. Enough active voice.
    3. Paragraph Lenth: Great!
    4. Transition Words:  Great

    Please rewrite and re-upload your essay.