The chart below gives information about Southland’s main exports in 2000, 2018, and future projections for 2025

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Topics The chart below gives information about Southland’s main exports in 2000, 2018, and future projections for 2025

  • Vvic
    University: Donghua
    Nationality: Taiwan
    August 13, 2019 at 4:18 pm

    TOPIC: The chart below gives information about Southland’s main exports in 2000, 2018, and future projections for 2025.

    The bar chart manifest that Southland’s major exports in 2000, 2019 and the estimated the year 2025.

    Overall, it is salient that the category of International tourism is going on a rising tendency, in terms of the revenue generated. In contrast, the variety of Meat product witnessed a downward trend, in 2025.

    Turning to the nuances, International tourism reaches maximum revenue in 2025, accounting for 10 billion or so. At the same year, however, will have observed the lowest figure of money, around 5 billion pounds. Furthermore, it is worth noting that in terms of the Dairy products produces the most significant amount of revenues, in 2019. Noticed the same amount figure as the revenue in International tourism, which is ten billion pounds.

    Last but equally important, the category of International tourism striking in 2000, comprising 8 billion pounds. It is worth noting for being prominent in the same year.

     
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    Lin Qiu
    August 13, 2019 at 9:35 pm

    Score: 51.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    The bar chart manifest [ grammatical error ] that Southland’s major exports in 2000, 2019 and the estimated the year 2025.
     
    Overall, it is salient that the category of International tourism[ Conventions/International – Tourism/international – tourism ] is going on a rising tendency, [punctuation error  ] in terms of the revenue generated. In contrast, the variety of Meat product witnessed a downward trend, [ punctuation error ] in 2025.
     
    Turning to the nuances, International tourism reaches [ grammatical error ] maximum revenue in 2025, accounting for $ 10 billion or so. At the same year, however, will have observed the lowest figure of money, [ grammatical error ] around 5 billion pounds. Furthermore, it is worth noting that in terms of the Dairy products produces [ grammatical error] the most significant amount of revenues, [punctuation error  ] in 2019. Noticed the same amount figure as the revenue in International tourism, which is ten billion pounds.[ grammatical error ]
     
    Last but equally important, the category of International tourism striking [ grammatical error ] in 2000, comprising 8 billion pounds.[Wordy] It is worth noting for being prominent in the same year.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
     
    Vvic
    University: Donghua
    Nationality: Taiwan
    August 14, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”8o0v7-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”8o0v7-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”8o0v7-0-0″>The bar chart manifested that Southland’s major exports in 2000, 2019 and the estimated the year 2025.</span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”eklp6-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”eklp6-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”eklp6-0-0″> </span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”aj92m-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”aj92m-0-0″><span class=”complexword”><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-0-0″>Overall</span></span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-1-0″>, it is salient that the category of International Tourism is going on a rising tendency. I</span></span><span class=”complexword”><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-2-0″>n terms of</span></span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-3-0″> the revenue generated</span></span><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-4-0″>. In contrast, the variety of Meat product </span><span class=”complexword”><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-5-0″>witnessed</span></span><span data-offset-key=”aj92m-6-0″> a downward trend in 2025.</span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”3jgaq-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”3jgaq-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”3jgaq-0-0″> </span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”59h3d-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”59h3d-0-0″><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-0-0″>Turning to the nuances, International tourism reached maximum</span></span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-2-0″> revenue in 2025, accounting for $ 10 billion or so</span></span><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-3-0″>. At the same year, </span><span class=”complexword”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-4-0″>however</span></span><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-5-0″>, will have observed the lowest figure for money, roughly 5 billion pounds. </span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-6-0″>Furthermore, it is worth noting that </span></span><span class=”complexword”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-7-0″>in terms of </span></span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-8-0″>the Dairy products produced the most significant amount of revenues in 2019</span></span><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-9-0″>. </span><span class=”hardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-10-0″>Noticed the same amount figure as the revenue in International tourism, which was ten billion pounds</span></span><span data-offset-key=”59h3d-11-0″>.</span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”738k-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”738k-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”738k-0-0″> </span></div>
    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”flove” data-offset-key=”7p4jg-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”7p4jg-0-0″><span class=”veryhardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”7p4jg-0-0″>Last but </span></span><span class=”adverb”><span data-offset-key=”7p4jg-1-0″>equally</span></span><span class=”veryhardreadability”><span data-offset-key=”7p4jg-2-0″> important, the category of International tourism struck in 2000, comprising 8 billion pounds. It is worth noting for being prominent in the same year</span></span><span data-offset-key=”7p4jg-3-0″>.</span></div>
    </div>

     
    Lin Qiu
    August 15, 2019 at 2:13 am

    You need to remove all the unreadable codes while submitting your revised essay.

     
    Vvic
    University: Donghua
    Nationality: Taiwan
    August 15, 2019 at 6:23 am

    The bar chart manifested that Southland’s major exports in 2000, 2019 and the estimated the year 2025. Overall, it is salient that the category of International Tourism is going on a rising tendency in terms of the revenue generated. In contrast, the variety of Meat product witnessed a downward trend in 2025. Turning to the nuances, International tourism reached maximum revenue in 2025, accounting for $ 10 billion or so. At the same year, however, will have observed the lowest figure for money,  roughly 5 billion pounds. Furthermore, it is worth noting that in terms of the Dairy products produced the most significant amount of revenues in 2019. Noticed the same amount figure as the revenue in International tourism, which was ten billion pounds. Last but equally important, the category of International tourism struck in 2000, comprising 8 billion pounds. It is worth noting for being prominent in the same year.

     
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Avatar Vvic.