The extended family(such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing The extended family(such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.

  • Zidong Wang
    University: Xiamen University
    Nationality: China
    January 24, 2021 at 2:49 pm

    The extended family(such as grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.

    Some people still have a extended family and seem to live a happy life. Nevertheless, it is my opinion that extended family is out of time for the following reasons.

    To begin with, nowadays people tend to live in other cities or even other countries because of the work or study. In other words, they only spend a little time with their families which means the most important function of the extended family—communication with more relatives loses its value. For example, I study in another city and I come back to home once a month and stay there only 2 days. Furthermore, I can only meet my parents when they get home from work and thus I have less time to communicate with them, let alone other relatives.

    In addition, developed internet make it more convenient and much easier to contact our relatives. Everyone has a mobile phone with which we can contact our relatives whenever we want and wherever we are. Therefore, we don’t have to live together, and if we want to ask our grandparents or uncles about something, we can utilize the socializing software to send them a message. For instance, I have a cousin of my age and we often chat about our hobbies, our favorite movies and so on. It takes me a few seconds to send a message and another few seconds to get a response which seems like we just talk face to face in a house.

    Finally, another reason causing the extended family to be less important is the convenient traffic. In the past, people spent a large part of their life on the way. It takes them quiet a few hours or even days to visit their relatives living in another city. However, this can never happen today. I have a uncle who works in another country. One time, we went to visit him by plane and it only took us 8 hours from our home to get to his apartment. Convenient traffic leads to the extended family being less important since it eliminate the long-time journeys.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    January 27, 2021 at 2:10 am

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 45% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    Zidong Wang
    University: Xiamen University
    Nationality: China
    January 30, 2021 at 2:10 pm

    Some people still have an extended family and seem to live a happy life. Nevertheless, it is my opinion that extended family is out of time for the following reasons.

    Firstly, nowadays people tend to live in other cities or even other countries because of work or study. They only spend a little time with their families, which means the most essential function of the extended family—communication with more relatives loses its value. For example, I study in another city, and I come back home only in summer and winter vacation. Furthermore, I can only meet my parents when they get home from work, and thus, I have less time to communicate with them, let alone other relatives.

    In addition, the developed internet makes it more convenient and much easier to get in touch with our relatives. Everyone has a mobile phone by which we can contact our relatives whenever we want and wherever we are. Therefore, we don’t have to live together at all. If we need to ask our grandparents or uncles about something, we can utilize the socializing software to send them a message. For instance, I have a cousin of my age, and we often chat about our hobbies, our courses and something like that. It takes me a few seconds to send a message and another few seconds to get a reply from him, and it seems like we are talking face to face in a house.

    Finally, another reason causing the extended family to be less significant is the convenient traffic. In the past, people spent a large part of their life on the way. It takes them quite a few hours or even days to visit their relatives living in another city. However, this can never happen today. I have an uncle who works in another country. One time, we went to visit him by plane, and it only took us 8 hours from our home to get to his apartment. Convenient traffic causes the extended family to be less significant, since it eliminates the long-time journeys.

    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    February 1, 2021 at 7:12 pm

    Score: 71.7

    Issues:

    1. About 35% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them.
    Administrator
    University: University of Wisconsin
    February 1, 2021 at 7:12 pm

    Some people still have an extended family[ , ] and[ they ] seem to live a happy life. Nevertheless, (it is my opinion)[ wordy-make it shorter ] that extended family is [ use a concrete verb to replace BE verb ] (out of time)[replace with one verb  ] for (the following reasons)[ summarize reasons here ] .

    Firstly, nowadays people tend to live in other cities or even other countries because of work or study. [poor connection with the thesis  ] They[ logical confusion: they tend/intend to… meaning they could still expend lots of time with families/friends ] only [ misplaced word ] spend a little time with their families, which means the most essential function of the extended family—communication with more relatives loses its value[resulting in less communication with family members and relatives  ] . For example, I study (in another city)[ confusion ] , and [ use another coordinating conjunction to form better coherence ] I (come back)[use one verb  ] home only in summer and winter vacation[word form error  ] . Furthermore, I can only meet my parents when they get home from work, and thus, I have less time to communicate with them, let alone other relatives.[irrelevant  ]

    In addition, the (developed internet)[confusion/word form  ] makes it more convenient and much easier to get in touch with [helps to facilitate communication with  ] our relatives. (Everyone has a mobile phone[how is it related to the internet?  ] )[ absolute statement ] by which we[ inconsistency/everyone-we ] can [ readily ] contact our relatives whenever we want and wherever we are[ wordy ] . Therefore, we don’t have to live together at all. If we need[ grammatical error/subjunctive ] to ask our grandparents or uncles about something, we can[ grammatical error ] utilize the [article error  ] socializing[ word form error ] software to send them a message. For instance, I have a cousin of my age, and we often chat about our hobbies, our courses and something like that[., etc.  ] . It[unclear pronoun – use noun/noun phrase to rewrite the sentence ] (takes me a few seconds to send a message and another few seconds to get a reply from him)[ wordy ] , and it[/this  ] seems like we are talking face to face in a house.

    Finally, another reason causing the extended family to be less significant is the convenient traffic[the reduced importance of an extended family also relates to convenient transportations  ] . In the past, people spent a large part of their life on the way. It[ unclear pronoun ] takes[ tense error.. in the past ] them quite a few[ lengthy ] hours or even days to visit their relatives living in another city. However, this can[ would ] never happen today. I have an uncle who works in another country. One time, we[who are we? In the context, we = my uncle and I  ] went to visit him by plane, and it only took us 8 [ eight ] hours from our home to get to his apartment. [ lacking a transitional word ] Convenient traffic causes the extended family to be less significant, [punctuation error  ] since it eliminates the[ toils of ] long-time journeys[ a long-time journey ] .

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