The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner. “Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner. “Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically.

  • WENJIN
    University: Shandong University of Finance and Economics
    Nationality: Chinese
    July 20, 2020 at 3:05 pm

    The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner. “Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.”

    Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

    Making the final decision before amply answering the following questions could be sheer invalid and unrealistic. Surely as mentioned above, the number of shoppers who come to Central Plaza has been decreasing for over two years, yet whether the time when those skateboard users showed up in the plaza matches the timeline; and how could those shop owners ascribe the litter and vandalism to skateboarders? And whether it is reasonable to assert that “business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels” in that economic environment and other objective circumstances might have changed dramatically today after two years.

    To correlate the increasing number of skateboarders with the decreasing number of shoppers in Central Plaza is rather hasty. Though it might be probable that determined by the nature of this sport, skateboarders usually need open areas which are the more spacious the better, which could be easy to think of a plaza without too many shoppers rather than a busy one, the time they first present in the plaza, nonetheless, is quite ambiguous. It is a time-demanding process for such a dramatically increasing number of skateboard lovers to find a suitable place and then all gather together, thus the possibility that the plaza had already been unpopular for some time before skateboarders’ approach could not be ignored.

    The argument falsely assumes that skateboarders is the only factor to cause litter. Indeed, litter can be brought by skateboarders, however, they might be scapegoats to a large extent, for anyone passing here could be responsible for this situation. Moreover, from beginners to advanced, it is self-evident that the priority for those athletes is safety. Therefore, the probability that they skate on somewhere easy to be broken is minuscule. In this scenario, they might choose more stable concrete floors rather than marble floors, and also outdoor rather than indoor. Additionally, we could just imagine that in a plaza that lacks popularity the destroy of public properties could not be simply attributed to vandalism or sabotage without solid evidence but to natural damaging under the influence of rain outside and to long-time neglect of maintenance inside.

    On the other hand, given that business affairs or consumer markets change rapidly without a doubt, Central Plaza might already do not possess the extrinsically favorable environment today required with its at least two-year-old ornamental style and “sabotaged” decorates. And subjectively, the decrease in popularity during the two years might be results of fallacious business strategies or some decision failures at all, thus business in Central Plaza would be extraordinarily hard to return to “previously high levels” let alone if superiors plan to push these interior reasons to others.

    In general, if the “recommendation” is implemented without thinking twice, not only will it be unfair for athletes to be prohibited to skateboard, but Central Plaza will miss the boat as skateboarding shows could always bring hundreds of bystanders with potential consumers involved. That is to say, first things first, look for your intrinsic factors rather than others.

    July 22, 2020 at 3:27 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Word choice errors;
    2. Vague writing, be more specific and clear, simplify language;
    3. Subject/verb agreement;
    4. About 50% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    5. About 30% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    WENJIN
    University: Shandong University of Finance and Economics
    Nationality: Chinese
    July 23, 2020 at 3:24 am

    ( Revised parts are highlighted.)

    Making the final decision before amply answering the following questions could be sheer invalid and unrealistic. As mentioned above, the number of shoppers who came to Central Plaza has been decreasing for over two years, yet does the time when those skateboard users showed up in the plaza match the timeline? And how could those shop owners ascribe the litter and vandalism to skateboarders? Commonly, economic and other objective circumstances have changed dramatically today after two years, thus it is not acceptable to assert that “business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels”.

    To correlate the increasing number of skateboarders with the decreasing number of shoppers in Central Plaza is rather hasty, though, determined by the nature of skateboarding, players need spacious areas, which makes it easy to link with abandoned Central Plaza. Finding a suitable place and then gathering such many skateboarders here take time, therefore it is more likely that this plaza has already lost popularity until skateboarding bloomed here.

    The argument falsely assumes by mistake that skateboarders are the only factor to cause littering and “vandalism”. Indeed, skateboarders would bring rubbish, but they were more likely to be scapegoats for others, for anyone passing by may drop litter as well. The same thing is with vandalism. The same thing is with vandalism. Skateboarders would be improbable to skate on unsafety and easily broken places or to sabotage the ground they rely on, and they always prefer outside rather than inside places with the bare ground rather than marble. So, it is unacceptable to regard the damage as intentional without solid evidence.  Shop owners should take into consideration natural damage, due to rainwater or wind, and another man-made reason, due to long-time neglected maintenance, as well.

    Besides, the current situation may not support an ideal recovery. Two-year-old decoration styles and “sabotaged” facilities might not captivate consumers and thus need renovation, while renovation needs budgets. And when it comes to subjective conditions, if the unpopularity came from fallacious business strategies at all, then how to make sure that this time superiors will not go down the same road? Therefore, it is unreasonable and blind to just shift the responsibility to skateboarders. In other words, look for your intrinsic factors rather than others’.

    In conclusion, look before you leap. If shop owners accept the “recommendation” without thinking twice, they may inhibit not only skateboarders but also hundreds of bystanders at skateboarding shows including potential consumers.

    WENJIN
    University: Shandong University of Finance and Economics
    Nationality: Chinese
    July 23, 2020 at 3:43 am

    the last sentence in paragraph 3:  Shop owners should take natural damage into consideration, due to rainwater or wind, and another man-made reason, due to long-time neglected maintenance, as well.

    WENJIN
    University: Shandong University of Finance and Economics
    Nationality: Chinese
    July 23, 2020 at 4:13 am

    Making the final decision before answering the following questions could be sheer invalid and unrealistic. As mentioned above, the number of shoppers who came to Central Plaza has been decreasing for over two years, yet does the time when those skateboard users showed up in the plaza match the timeline?  And how could those shop owners ascribe litter and vandalism to skateboarders?  Commonly, economic and other objective circumstances have changed dramatically today after two years, thus it is not acceptable to assert that “business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels”.

    To correlate the increasing number of skateboarders with the decreasing number of shoppers in Central Plaza is rather hasty, though, determined by the nature of skateboarding, players need spacious areas, which makes it easy to link with abandoned Central Plaza. Finding a suitable place and then gathering so many skateboarders here take time, therefore it is more likely that this plaza has already lost popularity until skateboarding bloomed here.

    The argument falsely assumes by mistake that skateboarders are the only factor causing littering and “vandalism”. Indeed, skateboarders would bring rubbish, but they were more likely to be scapegoats for others, for anyone passing by may drop litter as well. The same thing goes for vandalism. Skateboarders would be improbable to skate in unsafe and easily broken places or to sabotage the ground they rely on, and they always prefer outside rather than inside places with bare ground rather than marble. So, it is unacceptable to regard the damage as intentional without solid evidence. Shop owners should consider natural damage, due to rainwater or wind, and another man-made reason, due to neglected maintenance, as well.

    Besides, the current situation may not support an ideal recovery. Two-year-old decoration styles and “sabotaged” facilities might not captivate consumers and thus need renovation, while renovation needs budgets. And when it comes to subjective conditions, if unpopularity came from fallacious business strategies at all, then how to make sure that this time superiors will not go down the same road? Therefore, it is unreasonable and blind to just shift the responsibility to skateboarders. In other words, look for your intrinsic factors rather than others’.

    In conclusion, look before you leap. If shop owners accept the “recommendation” without thinking twice, they may inhibit not only skateboarders but also hundreds of bystanders at skateboarding shows including potential consumers.

Tagged: