The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

  • bitph
    University: Beijing Institute of Technology
    Nationality: China
    August 8, 2020 at 3:24 pm

    Argument
    A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

    Answer:

    It is argued that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night. However, the argument is rife with holes and assumptions, and thus it does not make a cogent case.

    First and foremost, it asserted that the study surveyed 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives,but the background information of the study is vague. Chances are that those who were surveyed were from only about 15 advertising firms, taking only about less than 0.1 percent of the total number of the advertising firms. Thats to say, the study was not representative enough. Whats more, if these executives were mostly from the firms whose profit margins and growth were not that prosper because their firms had dominated the local markets for a long time, whereas only one group of executives from a certain company had higher profit margins and faster growth, for the sake that the firm they managed opened only one month ago and they were undergoing the fast-growth period, it is likely that the link between the amount of sleep those executives needed and the success of their firms cannot hold water.

    Second, it is mentioned that one of the results were from advertising firms studied. In this case, the assumptions and implications seemed to be objective. However, they only did the study in the field of advertising companies, neglecting those like banks, IT companies and so on. It is probable that in these companies, in order to maintain the executivesproductivity, they need their executives and stuff have more sleep. For instance, the executives of an Internet company have to hold frequent meetings to check its programmers and engineers work so that the project can be done in time. Without enough sleep, these executives could not have clear mind to know what was wrong, how to debug,or what to do next. Hence, these executives are usually those who need more sleep to rest their brains so that they could create more profits for the company. Under these circumstances, the argument is not persuasive enough.

    In conclusion, although the argument does highlight a possibility, more information is needed to warrant any further action.

     

    August 15, 2020 at 11:24 am

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 60% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 55% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    bitph
    University: Beijing Institute of Technology
    Nationality: China
    August 16, 2020 at 3:04 pm

    Thanks again for your help! I have made corrections already, see below:

    It is argued that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night. However, the argument is rife with holes and assumptions, and thus it does not make a cogent case.

    First and foremost, it asserted that the study surveyed 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives, but the background information of the study is vague. Chances are that those surveyed were from only about 15 advertising firms, taking only about less than 0.1 percent of the total number of these firms. In other words, the study was not representative enough. What is more, if these executives were mostly from the firms whose profit margins and growth were not that prosper because their firms had dominated the local markets for a long time, whereas only one group of executives from a certain company had higher profit margins and faster growth, for the sake that the firm they managed opened only one month ago and they were undergoing the fast-growth period, it is likely that the link between the amount of sleep those executives needed and the success of their firms cannot hold water.

    Second, it is mentioned that one of the results was from advertising firms studied. In this case, the assumptions and implications seemed to be objective. However, they only did the study in the field of advertising companies, neglecting those like banks, IT companies and so on. It is probable that in these companies, they need their executives and stuff have more sleep to maintain there productivity. For instance, the executives of an Internet company have to hold frequent meetings to check its programmers and engineers` work so that the project can be done in time. Without enough sleep, these executives could not have clear mind to know what was wrong, how to debug, or what to do next. Hence, these executives are usually those who need more sleep to rest their brains so that they could make more profits for the company. Under these circumstances, the argument is not persuasive enough.

    In conclusion, although the argument does highlight a possibility, more information is needed to warrant any further action.

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