The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Health Naturally, a small but expanding chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Health Naturally, a small but expanding chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

  • njudu
    University: Nanjing University
    Nationality: China
    March 26, 2020 at 11:55 am

    The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Health Naturally, a small but expanding chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

    “Our previous experience has been that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build one of our new stores in Plainsville, which clearly has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise equipment are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight-training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville’s schoolchildren are required to participate in a program called Fitness for Life, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.”

    Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

    The author links the possible profits of their stores and the residents who are highly concerned about healthy living together, then concludes that Health Naturally should build a new store in Plainsville. However, his argument lacks strong logic in some aspects.

    The author indicates that the residents in Plainsville are willing to purchase the health-related products. However, the motivation for buying these products is unclear. For example, the residents may buy running shoes and exercise equipment for the low prices, the demands will decrease if Health Naturally raise the price for more profits. Also, the author unfairly relates the requirement of early exercise for schoolchildren to the hot-selling of their merchandise. Regular exercise does not mean that the schoolchildren need the equipment, either to protect themselves or to improve the exercise efficiency.

    Additionally, the author fails to assess the prosperity of their products. Maybe the residents actually adore the health-related products, which not however, confirm that they will choose the products of Health Naturally. Whether Health Naturally can succeed in competing with other rivals, no answer we can get from this argument. Even if the residents prefer Health Naturally’s products, the enthusiasm for these products may not last for a long time. To strengthen his/her argument, the author would benefit from analyzing the competitiveness of their products against the rivals’.

    Building upon the implication that their stores are most profitable in regions with residents being zealotic of healthy living, the author suggests that they should build a new store in Plainsville. However, we have no idea about whether the success in the most profitable area is occasional. Maybe they investigate the region with few competitors, or they do research only in the place where people prefer their products. All these factors could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the previous survey is fully valid and reliable, it can be not used to support the author’s argument.

    The previous success of selling health-related products may attract the Health Naturally to build a new store in Plainsvillle for the possible profits. However, this author’s argument is not likely markedly to persuade the company to invest in this place.

    March 28, 2020 at 6:02 pm

    Score: 53.1

    Issues:

    1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    njudu
    University: Nanjing University
    Nationality: China
    March 29, 2020 at 8:53 am

    While the author speculates their new store will succeed in Plainsville, this argument lacks substantial logic in some aspects. Although the previous success and possible profits may persuade the company to build a new store, the author needs more evidence to support this argument.

    The author indicates that multiple residents in Plainsville are potential clients for health-related products. Many facts can invalidate this assumption. For example, local residents may buy these products simply for low prices, or tourists induce a durable sale. Also, the club and classes sizes cannot represent the entire lifestyle if they are relatively small compared with the total population. In addition, compulsory regular exercise for schoolchildren is irrelevant to the hot-selling of these products. The lasting time of this program is unclear, and students may participate in exercises that do not require sports equipment.

    Additionally, the author evaluates the prosperity of their products in a deficient way. Assuming local residents adore health-related products, they may not choose the products of Health Naturally. Whether the new store will succeed in competition against existing rivals is unknown. Even if the residents prefer Health Naturally, their enthusiasm for these products may not last for a long time. The author needs further analysis of their product competitiveness to strengthen this argument.

    According to the previous success in those regions where residents care about healthy living, the author suggests that they should build a new store in Plainsville. Yet we have no idea about the validity of their investigation in the most profitable area. Maybe they investigate in regions where there are no competitors, or only in places where people prefer their products. All these factors could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the previous survey is sufficiently valid and reliable, it cannot be used to support the author’s argument.

    The previous success may attract the company to build a new store in Plainsville for possible profits. However, this author’s argument is not concrete enough to persuade the company to invest in this place.

    March 31, 2020 at 12:56 am

    Score: 51.8

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    njudu
    University: Nanjing University
    Nationality: China
    March 31, 2020 at 8:42 am

    The vice president of Health Naturally suggests that the company should build a new store in Plainsville for possible profits. Although the profits elsewhere may prompt the company to pursue new interests in Plainsville, the author needs more evidence to support this argument.

    The author indicates that numerous residents in Plainsville pay high attention to healthy lives. Many facts can invalidate this assumption. For example, the boom of running shoes and exercise equipment does not confirm the residents are concerned with health. They may buy these products for the sake of low prices. Or it may be true that tourists mainly lead to the hot-selling of these products. Also, the exact proportion of the members of the health club to the local population is unclear. If the proportion is minute, it cannot represent the lifestyle of all residents. Besides, the compulsory fitness program does not reflect the students’ pursuit of healthy lives

    Additionally, the author evaluates the prosperity of their products in a deficient way. The new store of Health Naturally may fail to compete with the existing potent rivals. Even if the residents prefer Health Naturally, which not guarantee that people will keep buying its products. Suppose Health Naturally raises the product price for more profits, sales volume may decrease. The author needs further analysis of their product competitiveness to strengthen this argument.

    Based on the survey of profits elsewhere, the author believes Healthy Naturally should build a new store in Plainsville. But we cannot judge whether the company’s investigation in the most profitable areas is appropriate. The company may investigate its previous profits in areas where there are no competitors, or where people prefer its products. All these factors could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the survey of previous profits is completely reliable, it cannot be used to support the author’s argument.

    It is reasonable that Health Naturally may build a new store in Plainsville for potential profits. However, this author’s argument is not concrete enough to persuade the company to invest in this place.

    April 7, 2020 at 3:05 am

    Score: 59.1

    The vice president of Health Naturally suggests that the company should build a new store in Plainsville for [  unclear] possible profits. Although the profits elsewhere [unclear  ] may prompt the company to pursue new interests in Plainsville, the author needs more evidence to support this argument[unclear  ] .

    The author indicates that numerous residents in Plainsville pay high attention to healthy lives. Many facts can invalidate this assumption[ wrong word/fails to echo indicate ] . For example, the boom of running shoes and exercise equipment does not confirm [missing pronoun  ] the residents are concerned with health. They may buy these products for the sake of low prices. Or it[ poor connection from the prior sentence/check ‘writing tips – Subject/object ] may be true that tourists mainly lead to[  unclear] the hot-selling of these products. Also, the exact proportion of the members of the health club to the local population is unclear. If the proportion is minute, it[ unclear pronoun ] cannot represent the lifestyle[ word form error ] of all residents. Besides, the compulsory fitness program does not reflect the students’ pursuit of healthy lives

    Additionally, the author evaluates the prosperity of their[ unclear pronoun ] products in a deficient way. The new store of Health Naturally may fail to compete with the (existing potent rivals)[clumsy writing  ] . Even if the residents prefer Health Naturally, which not [ grammatical error ] guarantee that people will keep buying its [unclear pronoun  ] products. Suppose Health Naturally raises the product price for more profits, sales volume may decrease. The author needs further analysis of their [unclear pronoun   ] product competitiveness to strengthen this argument[ what argument? ] .

    Based on the survey of profits elsewhere, the author believes Healthy Naturally should build a new store in Plainsville. But we cannot judge whether the company’s investigation in the most (profitable areas)[unclear  ] is appropriate. The company may investigate its previous profits in areas where there are no competitors, or where people prefer its products[ logical incompleteness ] . All these factors [ specify ] could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the survey of previous profits is completely reliable, it cannot be used to support the author’s argument.

    It is reasonable that Health Naturally may build a new store in Plainsville for potential profits. However, this author’s argument is not concrete enough [ redundant ] to persuade the company to invest in this place.

    njudu
    University: Nanjing University
    Nationality: China
    April 7, 2020 at 6:58 am

    Based on business success in other areas, the author suggests that Health Naturally (HN) should build a new store in Plainsville. The author needs more evidence to support this suggestion; otherwise, HN may not make profits in Plainsville as the author expects.

    The author indicates that numerous residents in Plainsville pay close attention to healthy lives. Many facts can invalidate this indication. For example, the boom in running shoes and exercise equipment does not confirm that the residents are concerned with health. Maybe it is tourists that induce the hot-selling of these products. While as for the residents, they may buy these products for the sake of low prices. Also, the exact proportion of the members of the health club to the local population is unclear. If minute, the proportion cannot represent the lifestyles of all residents. Besides, the compulsory fitness program does not reflect the students’ pursuit of healthy lives.

    Additionally, the author evaluates the prosperity of HN’s products in a deficient way. Perhaps the new store of HN fails to compete with the local rivals. Even if the residents prefer HN, it does not guarantee that people will keep buying HN’s products. Assuming that HN raises the product prices for more profits, sales volume may decrease. The author needs further analysis of HN’s product competitiveness to strengthen the suggestion of building a new store.

    According to the survey of profits in other places, the author believes HN should build a new store in Plainsville. But the validity of the company’s previous investigation remains questionable. The company may have investigated its profits in areas without competitors, which could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the survey is reliable, it cannot be used to buttress the author’s suggestion.

    It is reasonable that Health Naturally may build a new store in Plainsville for potential profits. However, this author’s argument is not concrete to persuade the company to invest in this place.

    April 7, 2020 at 6:23 pm

    Score: 65.4

    Final Revision

    Based on business success in other areas, the author suggests that Health Naturally (HN) should build a new store in Plainsville. The author needs more evidence to support this suggestion; otherwise, HN may not make profits in Plainsville as the author expects.

    The author indicates that numerous residents in Plainsville pay close attention to healthy lives. Many facts can invalidate this indication. For example, the boom [ unclear ] in running shoes and exercise equipment (does not) [absolute statement; use conditional terms  ] confirm that the residents are concerned with health. Maybe it is [article error/ be consistent with the residents  ]tourists that induce the hot-selling of these products. While aAs for the residents, they may buy these products for the sake of low prices. Also, the exact proportion of the members of the health club to the local population is unclear. If minute, the proportion cannot [ absolute statement ]represent the lifestyles of all residents. Besides, the compulsory fitness program does not[ absolute statement ] reflect the students’ pursuit of healthy lives.

    Additionally, the author evaluates the prosperity of HN’s products in a deficient way. Perhaps the new store of HN fails [ tense error ] to compete with the/its local rivals. Even if the residents prefer HN, it does not guarantee that people will keep buying HN’s products. Assuming that HN raises the product prices for more profits, sales volume may decrease. The author needs further analysis of HN’s product competitiveness to strengthen the suggestion of building a new store.

    According to/Based on the survey of prior profits in other places, the author believes HN should build a new store in Plainsville. But the validity of the company’s previous investigation remains questionable. The company may have investigated its profits in areas without competitors, which could lead to a biased conclusion. Unless the survey is reliable, it cannot be used to buttress the author’s suggestion.

    It is reasonable that Health Naturally may build a new store in Plainsville for potential profits. However, this author’s argument is not concrete to persuade the company to invest in this place.

Tagged: