The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

  • lwlx2h
    University: Sun-Yat Sen University
    Nationality: China
    July 17, 2020 at 1:40 pm

    The luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

    Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

    One cannot deny that people live in modern society benefit a lot from the conveniences and luxuries of contemporary life, which, at the same time, are also wines with small does of poisons in for us. If we indulge ourselves in voluptuous life, we will lose ourselves and fail to become independent people. What luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life bring to us depends on how we treat and harness them.

    Internet, one of the greatest inventions of the information age, helps us a lot in daily life for acquiring and spreading knowledge. However, with the development of the internet, more and more gullible are we as more and more pseudo-news and fake information appear on websites. Some of them are so vivid and plausible that it is extremely hard for people, especially ones of age greater than 60, the target population of many advertisement agencies, to discern their validities. Once we are impressed by these partial benefits shown in websites, and then click on these advertisements, or make a call, we may fall into the trap of mercenary agencies.

    Moreover, cinemas, amusement parks, and 3D games are also gifts of modern society. But for vulnerable and susceptible teenagers, they are more like drugs. For example, with too much pressure, teens are easily addicted to computer games because they can relax and feel a great sense of achievement when playing games. However, if one spends most of his/her time not in real life, but rather in the virtual world, he/she will definitely become a baby, in reality, forgetting how to follow his/her life regularly.

    On the other hand, if technology and conveniences brought by technology are sufficiently exploited by us as a modern tool, things will become totally different. Most people, I believe, are able to win the battle against laziness and addiction to luxuries when they realize what really values in their lives. Pursuing happiness is the value of our lives. Indulge in enjoyment is pursuing transient happiness, while accomplishing achievements in career, getting along with our family, seeking internal peace through reading actually are pursuing eternal happiness. Once we decide to pursue eternal happiness, conveniences brought by technology will be our weapons, rather than drugs. Surely there has been no time in history where myriad of resources are available online and if we take good advantage of these resources, including but not limited to teaching videos of academic leaders, lecture notes and handouts, and data of various projects, we will study efficiently and improve our abilities to solve problems solely.

    Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are a double-edged sword. What the sword brings to us lies in how we use it. If we use it to pursue impermanent pleasure, we will be trapped in mud. However, if we dare to cut off thorns with the sword on our ways to success, it will become our sharpest weapon and encourage us to become a truly strong and independent person.

    July 22, 2020 at 3:55 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Verbose, simplify languages and write more concise sentences;
    2. Word choice errors;
    3. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph within 120 words.
    4. About 60% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    5. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    lwlx2h
    University: Sun-Yat Sen University
    Nationality: China
    July 25, 2020 at 1:54 am

    One cannot deny that people living in modern society benefit a lot from the conveniences of contemporary life. They are like wines. If we drink in moderation, we can relax and be more energetic to work and study. On the other hand, if we indulge ourselves in voluptuous life, we may lose ourselves and fail to become independent people. What luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life bring to us depends on how we treat and harness them.

    Internet, one of the greatest inventions of the information age, helps us a lot in daily life to acquire and spread knowledge, while we have also become more and more gullible as more and more pseudo-news and fake information appear on websites. Some of them are so vivid and plausible that it is hard for people, especially ones of age greater than 60, to discern their validities. Once we are impressed by these partial benefits shown in websites, and then click on these advertisements, or make a call, we may fall into the trap of mercenary agencies. It is difficult to escape from the fraud when we are enjoying conveniences brought by technology.

    Moreover, cinemas, amusement parks, and 3D games are also gifts of modern society. But for vulnerable and susceptible teenagers, they are more like drugs. For example, with too much pressure, teens are easily addicted to computer games. At the age when we can not manage ourselves, being addicted to computer games is a disaster. Although teens can relax and feel a great sense of achievement when playing games, they may forget how to follow their lives regularly if they spend most of their time not in real life, but rather in the virtual world. That’s why there are so many students who stay at home and rely on parents to live after graduation. They are destroyed by luxury life in college.

    On the other hand,  things will become totally different if we regard conveniences as a tool and harness them instead of enjoying them. Most people, I believe, are able to win the battle against laziness and addiction to luxuries when they realize what really values in their lives. Pursuing happiness is the value of our lives. Indulgence in enjoyment is pursuing transient happiness while accomplishing achievements in career, getting along with our family, seeking internal peace through reading actually are pursuing eternal happiness. Once we decide to pursue eternal happiness, conveniences brought by technology will be our weapons, rather than drugs. Surely there has been no time in history where myriad of resources are available online. If we take good advantage of these resources, including but not limited to teaching videos of academic leaders, lecture notes and handouts, and data of various projects, we will study efficiently. In this case, the conveniences of contemporary life become a potent tool to improve our abilities to solve problems solely.

    Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are a double-edged sword. What the sword brings to us lies in how we use it. If we use it to pursue impermanent pleasure, we will be trapped in mud. If we dare to cut off thorns with the sword on our ways to success, it will become our sharpest weapon and help us to become a truly strong and independent person.

    July 27, 2020 at 10:55 pm

    Score: 61.4

    Issues:

    1. Verbose, simplify language and write more concise sentences (example: “Some of them are so vivid and plausible that it is hard for people, especially ones of age greater than 60, to discern their validities” simplify this sentence and others) ;
    2. Redundancy, you make good arguments, but sometimes repeat them
    3. Use more direct language – use less literary language
    4. About 35% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    5. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    lwlx2h
    University: Sun-Yat Sen University
    Nationality: China
    July 28, 2020 at 2:56 am

    One cannot deny that people living in modern society benefit a lot from the conveniences of contemporary life. They are like wines. If we drink in moderation, we can relax and be more energetic to work and study. On the other hand, if we indulge ourselves in voluptuous life, we may lose ourselves and fail to become independent people. What luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life bring to us depends on how we treat and harness them.

    Internet, one of the greatest inventions of the information age, helps us a lot in daily life to acquire and spread knowledge. While we have also become more and more gullible as more and more pseudo-news and fake information appear on websites. They are so vivid and plausible that it is hard for us to discern their validities. Once we are impressed by these partial benefits shown on websites, we may fall into the trap of mercenary agencies. It is difficult to escape from the fraud when we are enjoying conveniences brought by technology.

    Moreover, cinemas, amusement parks, and 3D games are also gifts of modern society. But for vulnerable and susceptible teenagers, they are more like drugs. For example, with too much pressure, teens are easily addicted to computer games. At the age when we can not manage ourselves, being addicted to computer games is a disaster. Although teens can relax and feel a great sense of achievement when playing games, they may forget how to follow their lives regularly if they spend most of their time not in real life, but rather in the virtual world. That’s why there are so many students who stay at home and rely on parents to live after graduation. Luxury life in college destroyed them.

    On the other hand, things will become different if we regard conveniences as a tool and harness them instead of enjoying them. Most people, I believe, are able to win the battle over laziness and addiction to luxuries when they realize what values in their lives. Pursuing happiness is the value of our lives. Indulgence in enjoyment is pursuing transient happiness while accomplishing achievements in career, getting along with our families, seeking internal peace through reading are pursuing eternal happiness. Once we decide to pursue eternal happiness, conveniences brought by technology will be our weapons, rather than drugs. Surely there has been no time in history where myriad of resources are available online. If we take good advantage of these resources, including but not limited to teaching videos of academic leaders, lecture notes and handouts, and data of various projects, we will study efficiently. In this case, the conveniences of contemporary life become a potent tool to improve our abilities to solve problems solely.

    Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are a double-edged sword. What the sword brings to us lies in how we use it. If we use it to pursue impermanent pleasure, we will be trapped in mud. If we dare to cut off thorns with the sword, it will become the sharpest weapon on our ways to success.

    July 28, 2020 at 9:50 pm
    1. Still overly wordy (example ” become more and more gullible as more and more pseudo-news”) this and other phrases and sentences can be simplified;
    2. Rewrite the wine analogy in the first paragraph, be more concrete and less abstract;
    3. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them;
    4. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts;
    5. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words;
    6. Lengthy essay. Restrict your essay to 300 – 320 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    lwlx2h
    University: Sun-Yat Sen University
    Nationality: China
    July 30, 2020 at 2:32 am

    Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life enable us to relax more easily. As a result, we can be more energetic to work after relaxation. But, if we indulge ourselves in voluptuous life, we may lose ourselves and stop thinking about how to become a better man. What luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life bring to us depends on how we treat and harness them.

     

    The Internet is one of the greatest inventions of the era. When we are surfing websites, we can quickly locate what we want and collect information. Also, there are many pseudo-news and false information, that seem plausible, on websites. Sometimes it is hard for us to discern their validities. Once we are impressed by them and click into the advertisement, we may fall into the trap of mercenary agencies. It is difficult to escape from the fraud when we are enjoying conveniences brought by technology.

     

    Cinemas, amusement parks, and computer games are also gifts of modern society, with which teenagers can relax by themselves. On the other hand, unable to manage themselves, teens are also very likely to get addicted to these amusements, which is a disaster for them. I once heard of that, due to excessive game playing, a student used the way he had learned from the virtual world to kill a man in the real world. If we are poor in self-control in the face of temptation brought by contemporary life, that tragedy might happen a second time.

     

    Instead, things will become different if we can refuse temptations and use technology in positive ways. It is instructive to know that happiness obtained by indulging in games is only transient. If we decide to pursue eternal happiness, we should use technology to promote ourselves. Surely there has been no time in history where myriad of resources are available online. By taking good advantage of these resources, including but not limited to teaching videos of academic leaders, lecture notes, and teaching handouts, we can study very efficiently. In this case, the conveniences of contemporary life become a potent tool that improves our abilities to solve problems solely.

     

    In sum, what we have now is a double-edged sword, and what the sword brings to us lies in how we use it. If we use it to pursue impermanent pleasure, we will be trapped in mud. If we dare to cut off thorns with the sword, it will become the sharpest weapon on our ways to success.

    July 30, 2020 at 9:47 pm

    Score: 64. 2

    1. Word choice errors – some examples “voluptuous”, “addicted to these amusements“;
    2. Singular versus plural errors;
    3. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them;
    4. About 18% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts;
    5. Lengthy essay. Restrict your essay to 300 – 320 words.
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