The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

  • shiletian
    University: Tsinghua University
    Nationality: China
    August 17, 2020 at 4:45 am

    The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

    Nowadays, with rapid development of economics and technology, the complexity of our society has increased to an unprecedented extent, so that rules are playing essential roles in maintaining our social order. Many argue that those rules are too strict for our young generations to follow. I disagree with this opinion because of the reasons illustrated below.

    First of all, except those fundamental principles that everybody must obey, for example, laws, many other social rules have actually become more and more tolerant of individuality. In other words, youngsters today are faced with much fewer restrictions than their older generations, especially on personal development. For instance, youngsters today have plenty of approaches to fulfill their individual values.Instead of participating in a large corporate and work hard to get promotions step by step, as what their parents always did, they could even choose to start up their own business at the beginning of their whole career, as long as they could find access to enough support and resources. Nobody is going to jump out and judge them for any choice they make. The assertion that the society has become too rigorous is not well-founded.

    Secondly, given the fact that both the physical and mental conditions of our younger generations are not mature enough to deal with all the complicated situations in the real society, setting more strict rules for them on significant issues are definitely vital to protecting them from many dangers and lures. In addition, strict rules are important to guide them on the right track, avoiding them from committing crimes or other serious mistakes. How could these rules ever be “too strict”? For example, prohibiting juveniles from drinking alcohol effectively reduces the probabilities of misconduct and stopping teenagers from driving cars prevents them from causing serious accidents. What’s more, nobody is going to deny the importance of those rules keeping youngsters away from gambling, violence and drugs. When it comes to safety and health of our younger generations, the relevant rules would never be “too strict”.

    In conclusion, from my perspective, it is imprudent to claim that the rules today are too strict for young people, because on the one hand, young people today do have wide range of choices without many restrictions exerted on them, and on the other hand, rules that are relevant to fundamental issues should never be regarded as “too strict”.

    August 18, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them;
    2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts;
    3. Article errors;
    4. Punctuation errors;
    5. Wordy – remove unnecessary words and redundant phrases;
    6. Lengthy essay. The optimal length of a TOEFL essay is 300 – 320 words. Shorten your essay.
    7. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

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