Most people accept that we now live in a globalized world but not everyone agrees that this is beneficial. To what extent is globalization a positive or negative development?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Topics Most people accept that we now live in a globalized world but not everyone agrees that this is beneficial. To what extent is globalization a positive or negative development?

  • thedoors
    University: Akdeniz University
    Nationality: Turkish
    August 6, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    Topic: Most people accept that we now live in a globalized world but not everyone agrees that this is beneficial. To what extent is globalization a positive or negative development?

    I believe that living in a globalized world affects our lives exactly in a positive way. In this essay, I will address two potential reasons to explain my idea.

    First of all, people are now more capable of traveling in the virtue of easier transportation possibilities. It was almost a dream to go abroad long ago. Take, for example, my family. Before now, my mother and father have never thought about going out of their country, but now they can commute whenever they want. Thanks to advanced technology, people can meet people living in a city where locates in another country, even another continent, thus they can improve their communication skills, expend their points of view and increase their awarenesses of social problems.

    Secondly, while people think that their races have more priorities and deserve more attribution because they have never lived in another society, it is now generally believed that all human beings are equal. Along with the advent of more communication opportunities and faster vehicles, most people have many friends or relatives in different countries, hence; the notion of one, big, embracing globe is now more prevalent in communities. It can be observed in poetry and songs as well. Therefore, this brings more understanding with it. It can be said that people are now more respectful of each other.

    In conclusion, the global world has provided many advantages, especially in social life and a person’s behaviors. If we still had been living in the past, life would have been harder and the war would have been inevitable.

     

     
    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    Lin Qiu
    August 11, 2019 at 3:02 am

    Hi, I have been very busy during the past days. I will work on your essay tomorrow.

     
    Lin Qiu
    August 12, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    Score: 61.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    I believe that living in a globalized world affects our lives exactly in a positive way. In this essay, I will address two potential reasons to explain my idea. [specify the two reasons in your thesis  ]
     
    First of all, people are now more capable of traveling [Non-British spelling  ]in/by the[ article error ] virtue of easier transportation possibilities. It was almost a dream to go abroad long ago. (Take, for example, my family.)[incorrect usage  ] Before now, my mother and father have never thought about going out of their country, but now they can commute whenever they want. Thanks to advanced technology, people can meet people living in a city (where locates)[ grammatical error ] in another country, even another continent, [punctuation error  ]thus they can improve their communication skills, expend their points of view and increase their awarenesses of social problems.
     
    Secondly, while people think that their races have more priorities and deserve more attribution because they have never lived in another society, it is now generally believed that all human beings are equal. [wordy] Along with the advent of more [ lack a comparison/more..than ]expanded communication opportunities and faster vehicles, most people have many friends or relatives in different countries, [ punctuation error ]hence; [ punctuation error ]the notion of one, big, and embracing globe is now more prevalent in communities.[wordy] It [ unclear pronoun ]can be observed [passive] in poetry and songs as well. Therefore, this [ unclear pronoun ]brings more understanding with it[unclear pronoun  ]. It [unclear pronoun  ]can be said [passive] that people are now more [lack of a comparison/more… than  ]respectful of [ preposition error ]each other.
     
    In conclusion, the global world has provided many advantages, especially in terms of social life and a person’s behaviors. [ Non-British spelling ]If we still (had been living) [ grammatical error in subjunctive voice ] in the past, life would have been harder and the war would have been inevitable.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.