In order to well-informed, a person must get information from many different news sources.

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  • TruckersForMe Participant
    chase
    University: 天津大学
    Nationality: 天津大学
    August 22, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    TOEFL Writing Topic:   In order to well-informed, a person must get information from many different news sources.

    Nowadays, we can know the world just by seeing the news in our phones, and many Chinese people prefer to watch the news in Wechat’s subscription. However, there are thousands of subscriptions in Wechat, so for most people it’s tough to determine which the subscription should be chosen to see a piece of news that they really want to know. And there are a few people who are accustomed to see a piece of news from several news sources to gain more integrated and comprehensive knowledge of the news. In my opinion, the latter is the better choice for people who want to be well-informed.

    First, different news sources have different emphasis. Economic news sources would like to pay more attention on the economic side of the news, so they may not involve some military or social aspects in their news. If people who major in economy or are interested in finance, they should watch the news from economic sources. Take me as an example, I am writing a paper about low-carbon economy and I saw a terrific news relating to my topic tightly in the US news a few days ago. But the news in the US news are so integrated and I couldn’t find a hint of finance or economy in that news. So I selected several economic news sources to see the news again, those news subscription analyze the news from a economic perspective, from which I could get the information that I really want. And then I see the news from military sources and anthropological sources to get some information as a supplement of my paper, in that way my paper can become more synthetical.

    Second, some news sources might exaggerate a certain side of the news, even distort the truth sometimes. In addition, they might use a catching headline that has nothing to do with the content in the news. In doing so, the news can catch people’s eyes to the fullest extent. A lot of entertainment news sources are fond of doing those things, because the increasing number of reading means the raising salary. Suppose we see a piece of news in an entertainment news source, it is largely possible to be false or cover some truth. So we should look the news again in more authentic news sources to determine its reality.

    Third, apart form seeing a news from different news sources, if we want to be more well-informed, we can inquire others’ opinions in terms of the news, especially the authentic ones. For example, if I want to discuss some advanced problems that are on the frontier of low-carbon economy in my paper. The best solution to this problem is to ask my economic professors’ opinions. Because they have read much more materials than us and they must attend several meetings that are aimed at some advanced problems. Moreover, they are much more authentic compare with the comments issued in some news websites.

    To sum up, we should get information from different news sources if we want to be well-informed, only in this way can we see the news in different perspectives and obtain a more integrated knowledge concerning the news. In addition to this method, we can also ask relative authentic people’s opinions if we want know more advanced information about a certain side of the news.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    August 22, 2019 at 8:10 pm

    Score: Unscored due to a large number of errors

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words；
    • Shorten your essay to 320 words;
    • Restrict each paragraph to 85 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Nowadays, we can [ unnecessary word ] know the world just [unnecessary adverb]by seeing [ wrong wrod ] the [ article error ] news in [ wrong preposition ] our phones, and many Chinese people [ change subject abruptly ] prefer to watch[ wrong word ] the news in [ wrong preposition ] Wechat’s subscription. However, there [abrupt introduction/There BE  ] are thousands of subscriptions in Wechat, so for most people [punctuation error  ] it’s [ unclear pronoun/conventions ] tough to determine which the subscription should be chosen [passive]to see[wrong word  ] a piece of news that they really [unnecessary adverb]want to know. [wordy]And [  coordinating word error] there [  There Be] are a few people who are accustomed to see[  wrong word] a piece of news from several news sources to gain more integrated and comprehensive [ redundant ] knowledge of the news. [wordy]In my opinion, the latter [unclear reference  ] is the [ article error ] better choice for people who want to be [ BE verb ] well-informed.
     
    First, different news sources have different emphasis. Economic news sources would like to pay more attention [logical confusion  ] on [ wrong preposition ] the economic side of the news, so they may not involve some military or social aspects in their news.[wordy] If people who major in economy [ wrong word ] or are interested in finance[ grammatical error ] , they should watch the news from economic sources. Take me as an example,[ punctuation error ] I am writing a paper about[ article error ] low-carbon economy [ punctuation error ] and I saw a [  article error] terrific news relating to my topic tightly [unnecessary adverb  ] in the US news [ spelling error ] a few days ago. But the news in the US news[spelling error  ] are[  grammatical error] so integrated and [ wrong word ] I couldn’t find a hint of finance or economy in that news.
    [Your essay contains too many problems to work on, so I stopped here for detailed revision. Rewrite your essay in accordance with ‘Suggestions for Improvement’.
    So I selected several economic news sources to see the news again, those news subscription analyze the news from a economic perspective, from which I could get the information that I really[unnecessary adverb] want. [wordy]And then I see the news from military sources and anthropological sources to get some information as a supplement of my paper, in that way my paper can become more synthetical.[wordy]
     
    Second, some news sources might exaggerate a certain side of the news, even distort the truth sometimes. In addition, they might use a catching headline that has nothing to do with the content in the news. In doing so, the news can catch people’s eyes to the fullest extent. A lot of entertainment news sources are fond of doing those things, because the increasing number of reading means the raising salary. Suppose we see a piece of news in an entertainment news source, it is largely [unnecessary adverb]possible to be false or cover some truth. So we should look the news again in more authentic news sources to determine its reality.
     
    Third, apart form seeing a news from different news sources, if we want to be more well-informed, we can inquire others’ opinions in terms of the news, especially the authentic ones.[wordy] For example, if I want to discuss some advanced problems that are on the frontier of low-carbon economy in my paper. The best solution to this problem is to ask my economic professors’ opinions. Because they have read much more materials than us and they must attend several meetings that are aimed [passive]at some advanced problems. Moreover, they are much more authentic compare with the comments issued in some news websites.
     
    To sum up, we should get information from different news sources if we want to be well-informed, only in this way can we see the news in different perspectives and obtain a more integrated knowledge concerning the news.[wordy] In addition to this method, we can also ask relative authentic people’s opinions if we want know more advanced information about a certain side of the news.[wordy]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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    TOEFL Writing（托福写作）Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
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