In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.

  • Kathy
    University: Not yet
    Nationality: China
    August 7, 2019 at 4:01 pm

    TOEFL Writing TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    With the arousal of independent awareness, more and more young people nowadays are deciding their lives on their own. The issue of are the young people now better able to decide for themselves than before has been under the limelight of public attention. in my view, I agree that the young today can better make up minds about their lives, naming the following reasons.

    First, the parents now have more confidence in their children and are more willing to make their children take up the responsibilities. Take my family as an example. My grandmother used to stop my mother from choosing which universities to go because she considers my mom unable to pick it wisely. However, when the same situation comes to my sister, Amber, my mom just let her decide. My mom said that it is my sister’s own life and she is mature enough to make plans for her own future. Therefore, it is common that young people can better make decisions due to the support of parents.

    Second, the young people today is more mentally free than the young few decades ago. Young adults now do not like to be confined by others and have more courage of chasing their own dreams. For example, the number of homosexual couples has increased a lot during the past few decades. Those young are braver than their precedents in the aspect of struggling for someone they love. Also, the varieties of careers are adding up. These all show the fact that young people now can better decide and pursue their life paths than the young people before.

    Eventually, education has been improved hugely comparing to the old times. Education provides people with the minds and abilities of making up minds properly. According to a recent study conducted by Fudan University, more than 25% of people realize what they want to do after graduating from colleges. However, there were few people can finish studying in universities years ago. This provides solid proof for that fact that young people today can better decide their lives as well.

    All in all, given more support from parents, the increasing courage of the young and improved levels of education, it is reasonable to conclude that the young people now have more abilities of making up minds for their own lives.

    August 11, 2019 at 2:54 am

    Hi, I have been very busy during the past days. I will work on your essay tomorrow.

    August 11, 2019 at 3:04 pm

    Score: 68.3

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten your essay to 320 words.

    Problems Highlight

    With the arousal of independent awareness, more and more young people nowadays are deciding their lives on their own. The issue of are [  grammatical error] the young people now better able to decide for themselves than before has been under the limelight of public attention.[ Non-original writing ] in [ grammatical error ] my view, I agree [  redundancy] that the young today can better make up minds about their lives, naming the following reasons.[Failure to list specific reasons in thesis  ]
     
    First, the [ article error ] parents [ absolute writing ] now have more confidence in their children and are more willing [ unparallel ] to make [  incorrect word] their children take up the[ article error ] responsibilities. Take my family as an example. My grandmother used to stop my mother from choosing which universities to go because she considers[ grammatical ] my mom unable to pick it [ unclear pronoun ] wisely. However, when the same situation comes [ grammatical ] to my sister, Amber, my mom just let her decide. My mom said that it is my sister’s own life and [  unparallel] she is mature enough to make plans for her own future. Therefore, it[ coherence issue ] is common that young people[ absolute writing ] can better[ wrong adverb placement ] make decisions due to the support of parents.
     
    Second, the [  article error] young people today is [  grammatical error] more mentally free than the young few decades ago. Young adults now do not[  not] like to be confined by[passive] others and have[ unparallel ] more courage of chasing their own dreams. For example, the number of homosexual couples has increased a lot during the past few decades. Those young are braver than their precedents in the aspect of struggling for someone they love. Also, the varieties of careers are adding up. These [unclear pronoun  ] all show the fact that young people now can better decide and pursue their life paths than the young people before.
     
    Eventually, education has been improved[passive] hugely comparing to the old times[unparalleled reference/to those of the old times  ] . Education provides people with the minds and abilities of [  wrong word] making up minds properly. According to a recent study conducted by Fudan University, more than 25% of people realize what they want to do after graduating from colleges. [wordy]However, there were [  THERE/Grammatical error/redundant] few people can[ grammatical ] finish studying in universities years ago. This provides solid proof for that fact that young people today can better decide their lives as well.[ absolute writing ]
     
    All in all, given more support from parents, the increasing courage of the young and improved levels of education, it is reasonable to conclude that the[ article error ] young people now have more abilities of [ wrong preposition ] making up minds for their own lives. [wordy]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.