Young people today have no influence on the important decisions that determine the future of society as a whole.

Score: 49

Issues:

1. Use your own words to write and make sure all sentences are factually unproblematic. (i.e. It is widely accepted that …Really? )
2. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words.
3. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
4. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

People of all ages should play a part in making important social decisions in a modern democratic society. [ As such, decision-makers  ]Decision-makers should consider all peoples’ opinions before making an important decision. [Although some   ]Some argue that young people today lose their voice in important decisions that determine society’s future as a whole. As far as I’m concerned, however, [ I am of the opinion that  ]young people are a powerful group when it comes to [ the matter of  ]social decision making.

To start with, social opinion is largely expressed by social media (today)[ misplaced – of today?  ], of which young people take control. The young generation tends to spend more time on social media such as Twitter, Instagram, and Weibo than the elderly citizen[ word form error  ]. [As the dominant group of social media users.   ]They [unclear pronoun – elder citizens?   ]feel free to express their thoughts on social platforms and make up the dominant part of the Internet population. Therefore, what the social media express as a whole is largely what [most of the   ]young people believe. Decision-makers[ repetition  ] of society have to take into account social opinions expressed by social media.

In addition, young people possess great social awareness and take an active part in public affairs [ absolute statement  ]due to their (better educational background)[ unclear – it makes sense in Chinese but it doesn’t in English  ]. The last four decades have witnessed great[vague word   ] development in China’s education system. A larger proportion[ wrong word  ] of young people are[ tense error  ] well-educated than the previous generations, which gives[inconsistency in tense   ] rise to their excellent social awareness. Young people today show great[ vague  ] concerns about [absolute statement   ]all parts of society, from the[article error   ] local community to national affairs. For instance, debate competition is popular in universities. Competitors debate on a public affair, proposing the pros and cons of social policies (from all possible aspects)[unclear modifier   ]. (Debate competitions analyze)[ logical confusion  ] the practicability and effectiveness of a specific social decision, which raises public awareness of social affairs. (Awareness and participation)[ unclear  ] finally lead to social power[unclear   ], don’t they?

Young people today make[  wrong word ] a powerful voice on social media and demonstrate great [vague   ]social awareness[repetition   ]. They form a considerable social group that exerts a great influence on important social decisions.

People of all ages should play a part in making important social decisions in a modern democratic society. As such, decision-makers should consider all peoples’ opinions before making an important decision. Although some argue that But, some people argue young people today do not have a lose their voice in important decisions that determine society’s future as a whole. Nonetheless, I am of the opinion that young people are a powerful group when it comes to the matter of social decision making.

To start with, social opinion nowadays is largely expressed on by social media, of in which young people are taking more control. The younger generation tends to spend more time on social media such as Twitter, Instagram, and Weibo than the elderly citizens. As the dominant group of social media users, young people feel free to express their thoughts on social platforms. Therefore, what is expressed on the social media express as a whole is largely what most of the young people believe. Decision-makers have to take into account the opinion expressed on social media social opinions.

In addition, most young people possess tremendous social awareness and actively participate take an active part in public affairs. The In the last four decades, we have witnessed a significant development in China’s education system. The younger generation is are more educated than the previous generations, which gives rise to their excellent social awareness. Many young people today express concerns about all parts of society, from the local community to national affairs. For instance, debate competition is popular in universities. Competitors debate on a public affairs, proposing the pros and cons of social policies. They analyze the practicability and effectiveness of a specific social decision, which raises public awareness of social affairs.

Young people today have utter a powerful voice on social media and demonstrate prodigious social consciousness. They form a considerable social group that exerts a great influence on important social decisions.