FINAL REVISION

We all agree that our parents were the first teachers we had. They taught us to walk and talk when we were infants. Parents, without doubt, are two of the most indispensable teachers in one’s life, but are they the best teachers? I mean, everyone in his or her lifetime will encounter dozens of teachers. Some of them are fantastic, yet some fail to fulfill their duties properly. There is no reason why one’s first teachers are the best teachers one can get. Some parents are not even good people, so how can they be the best teachers?

A couple needs no training or examinations to become parents, so we cannot guarantee their qualification as parents, and thus leave open the possibility that those underqualified parents could possibly be their children’s best teachers. I heard that in some remote place a father taught his 2-year-old son to smoke, and a pair of parents told their primary school child to fight and hurt his classmates. For this kind of people, parenting is the last thing in the world they deserve. Unfairly, however, any couple can become parents by giving birth to a baby.

Some parents meet the preconditions to be good parents and some are even excellent professional teachers, though, raising a child can still be a tough challenge. This is because parents who pursue a self-fulfilling life or successful career, despite their individual excellence, often cannot take good care of their children. Parenting is a quite demanding job. Nearly all of the parents have their regrets for failing to better fulfill their parental responsibilities.

Only painstaking and self-sacrificing parents have an opportunity to be the best teachers; they must have a strong spirit, positive attitude, and willingness to sacrifice their life after work and even their career to accompany their kids; their fair personalities set good examples for their children. Therefore, these parents, beyond doubt, are the best teachers for their children.

Final Revision

Score: 49.3

I will get back to you shortly.

Regards,

Lin Qiu

Online education reduces the gap between children from diverse regions. Lower tuition helps the poor to afford it a quality education and relieve life pressure. Additionally, it is this way that affordable tuition also ensures that any student to can have an equal opportunities opportunity for learning knowledge from renowned professors. Traditional learning, nonetheless, with which often involves a higher fee, is often and also restricted by different areas such as small towns  that where some teenagers in small towns have no chance to enjoy high quality high-quality courses.

NO.2

The relations, admittedly, are fairly worried about their children who travel or work after they gratuate graduate from high school. As They are nervous because either going outside or facing society in advance often has have certain unsafe factors such as traffic jams and or deceivings. Nevertheless, the policy for protecting individuals’ personal safty safety is hard and fast. Meanwhile, our society societal security is perfect on a/the daily basis that unsafe incidents have rarely occured occurred.

Score: 74.7

I will get back to you shortly.

Lin Qiu

Score: 46.8

Suggestions for Improvement

• Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
• Shorten essay to 320-words.

Problems Highlight

Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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WritersForMe Writing Tips

1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.

Would like to know how to write Statement of Purpose and Personal Statement? Please visit PersonalStatement101.com.

Score: 72

I will get back to you shortly.

Regards,

Lin Qiu