Hi, I will not work on this essay until you complete the revision of the last essay.

Score: Unscored due to a large number of errors

Suggestions for Improvement

• Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
• Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words；
• Shorten your essay to 320 words;
• Restrict each paragraph to 85 words.

Problems Highlight

Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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TOEFL Writing（托福写作）Tips

1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.

Hi,

Since immigration is your priority choice, take The University of Hong Kong as your last option. As for the upcoming acceptance deadline, tell the program that you need more time to come into a mature decision. (Schools normally will extend the deadline). Even rejected, you still have two other opportunities and admission shouldn’t be a problem.

Out of the two Australian programs, choose the one presented by The University of Sydney.  This program is characterized by innovative ideas and breakthroughs in the global architecture profession in addition to core technical skills. Besides, students’ studio work, which is measured by rigorous industrial standards, benefits students significantly.

The University of Adelaide can be your backup choice. Immigration shouldn’t be an issue having obtained an advanced Architecture degree from The University of Sydney as well as acquired industrial qualifications.

Regards,

Lin Qiu

@WritersForMe 老师早上好！请问下老师，我目前背景是大四，化工主修，辅修经济，

Your Chemical Engineering and Economics backgrounds align well with for your intended graduate studies in Industrial and Operations Engineering. On the other hand, pursuing doctoral studies in the field of Chemical Engineering might be a more prudent decision in terms of developing substantive expertise within a specific engineering discipline.

大三下学期和很多留学机构进行了前期交流才决定申请方向为：美国IEOR工业工程/运筹学，但是编程能力主要是C/C++的基础课程，

Modern IEOR requires a diverse set of capabilities including data analysis, machine learning, as well as optimal system development, which transcends traditional company-centered manufacturing. As such, your programming coverage of C/C# falls short of expectations from both a decent graduate program and a selective employer. Additional programming skills [R/Python for mathematical modeling, data visualization and machine learning, evidenced by CNN] will enhance your chance of success. In terms of system management, MySQL is a must.

Today, the management of systems and operations has expanded to all facets of the supply and customer serving chains, so the inclusion of other digital packages such as Six Sigma (Lean Enterprise/Lean Manufacturing) to both of your CV and the Statement of Purpose will help your application portfolio woo the admissions panel.

If you target at emerging industries, such as digital marketing within the category of IEOR, study IBM SPSS and Pearl and then elaborate your relative skills in your CV and SOP, which will also positively impact the admissions decision-making process.

科研和实习主要在化工方向，Great!

经济毕设是上海开发区数据stata分析评估，Good, but think if you can incorporate the aforementioned skills into this project and highlight them in both your CV and SOP.

其他就没有数据方面的实习/科研，觉得自己没准备好申请以及后续的在美先就业的方向，这次也只申请了三个学校，只剩下哥大，不知道目前需要做什么？Inform the school of new skills you have acquired and implemented (as noted above)  since you submitted your application.

如果申到了建议延期准备下课程/实习吗？需要做哪些科研/实习方面的准备，如何平衡，感觉需要补充的太多了，运筹学的就业方向也很多，未来想去咨询行业或者制造业的决策规划，不知道如何规划准备生涯与后期的职业生涯？

Your chance for fall 2019 matriculation is slim. Try to get enrolled in a Visiting Student program for fall 2019 (F1 student visa).

Regards,

Lin Qiu

It is too early to give up UU. You may talk to the Department directly and tell them you have been accepted by other programs (list all of them). Ask the Department if you are able to obtain kind of assistantship (TA, RA, PA) to minimize your tuition/living costs. Tell them your credentials/background that make you a good match for TA/RA/PA work.

At the same time, contact professors/project groups for possible funding. Tell them you have been admitted by UU.

Lastly, even you fail to procure funding prior to matriculation later this summer, I still suggest you to attend UU. I DON’T think that you won’t be funded in the 2nd semester or during the 2nd year.

It is too early to think of other programs for now.

Good luck,

Lin Qiu

Hi,

Congratulations! All the four programs are great, and I assume you have strong credentials evidenced in your application portfolio.

It is very difficult to select one program while declining the other three, but first of all forget the factor of job placement. Graduating from each of the programs, you should be able to find a job locally.

I would first give up The University of Science and Technology of Hong Kong. This doesn’t mean that the program is not a good one. There are two reasons: 1. You are from China, so it is in your best interest to pursue further studies/research in a non-Asian academic/research environment. 2. Most matriculated students are Chinese, so you will have limited opportunities to do research with the best professors.

Out of the other three programs, which are all exceptional, I recommend Uppsala University. In this prestigious engineering institution, you will have ample opportunity to work with world-acclaimed research groups on frontier research projects, which can translate into potential doctoral studies and job placement in a global context.

Best wishes,

Lin Qiu

Talk to me via WeChat.

Best,

Lin Qiu

Hi,

In consideration of the global economic trends, neither of the two programs is your optimal choice.

First, you should eliminate your plan to work as a teacher in a middle school in Shenzhen. I have read the report, and I believe (although ‘politically incorrect’) that it is a significant intellectual waste to work there irrespective of the high salary offered.

You should give up the TESOL program, which focuses on ESL teaching methodologies. The relevant skills are not what the global economies (US and China alike) really need.

You may choose the Educational Communication program presented by Columbia if you have no better choice. This program provides the learning opportunities related to quantitative skills, media technologies, as well as media analysis, which are quite useful in this Big Data age.

I still recommend you to choose a more technology-focused program.

Best,

Lin Qiu