In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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Issues:

1. About 60% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.

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Score: 54.8

[ Since money ]Money serves as a foundation of [keeps  ]society[running,  ] and [ prudent/wise ]money management becomes an essential part of people’s life. [ As such, I back the affirmation  that]Some people advocate that young adults [children  ]should cultivate good money management habits. I agree with the statement.[, which would help them to become financially conscious adults.  ]

First of all, the earlier young adults [children  ]are aware of the importance of financial management, the deeper they will realize that money does not come readily. Comparing with asking for parents[ logical confusion ], children taking charge of their own money will learn how to possess money. Take me as an example, [ punctuation error ]when I was young, my parents give[ grammatical error ] me two hundred yuan each month as my pocket money. The limitation of money necessitates[ grammatical error ] me to (consider carefully)[ unclear ] and store the money when (the price is not affordable)[ unclear/grammatical error ]. Meanwhile, this deliberateness arouses[ grammatical error ] my awareness that money is limit[ word form error ] and valuable [ punctuation error ]which ingrains an understanding [preposition error  ]hardship parents have[grammatical error  ].

Second, [ Additionally, ]learning how to budget their[shift of person  ] money fosters teenagers’ independence. Instead of relying on parents, children have to make their own rational decisions (when facing problems and risks)[irrelevant to the topic  ]. They need to (compare with different values)[ grammatical/logical error ] of various merchandises and choose the most cost-effective one. Through the process of handling issues, they[unclear pronoun  ] can gather experience to resolve difficulties rather than asking elder people for help.

Finally, through of [preposition error  ]learning money-management skills, children can cultivate their abilities to (resist temptations and control desires)[ unclear ]. As we all know, humans’ desires are unlimited. In many cases, young adults who lack maturity are more likely to buy gaudy commodities with impulsive emotion[word form error  ]. With budgeting limited money, children can make reasonable choices and resist [article error  ]lure of seemingly useful goods.

There is no denying that learning to manage their own money at a young age is the best option for one to spend childhood[factual error  ]. During this period of time, children invest time in budgeting money will gain more edges in the upcoming competitive future.

Since money keeps society running, prudent[ Managing  ] money management [ prudently  ] becomes an essential part of people’s life[can help one to tide over hardship and enjoy a happy life. In reality, however, many people, including some adults,  often find it difficult to make ends meet] . As such, I back the affirmation that children should cultivate good money management[ habits  ] , which would help them to become financially conscious[ secure  ] adults.

First, the earlier children are aware of the importance of financial management, the deeper/[ more  ] they will[ would  ] realize that money does not come readily. Comparing with asking for parents to buy favourite commodities, [  In fact, ] children taking charge of their own money will [  can ] learn how to possess money. For example, when [ When  ] I was young, [ for instance,  ] my parents gave me two hundred yuan each month as my pocket money. The limitation of money [ This tight budget  ] enforced [  compelled ] me to store the money[give up buying things   ] when price of commodities [  that were unaffordable ] was not affordable and not to buy unnecessary goods. Meanwhile, this deliberateness aroused my awareness that money is limited and valuable which ingrains an understanding of parents’ hardship.[ irrelevant  ]

Additionally, through learning [developing even basic   ] money-management skills [ helps children to assess the ] , children can get a good understanding of real value of goods. [  This essential capability would benefit one from childhood into adulthood. ] Humans’ desires are unlimited. In many cases, [ On the other hand, … ] children who lack maturity are more likely to buy gaudy commodities, which is a kind of waste. However, with a correct understanding of value, it’s less likely for them to waste money intentionally or unintentionally.[  irrelevant ]

Finally, learning how to budget money fosters teenagers’ [ sense of  ] independence. Instead of (relying on)[ resorting to  ] parents, children have to make their own rational decisions when facing money issues/[ matters  ] . They need to compare/[ assess/measure  ] the value of various merchandises and [ the  ] choose the most cost-effective one. Through [ such processes ] the process of handling issues, children can gather [ valuable skills to become independent  ] experience to resolve difficulties rather than asking elder people for help.[ irrelevant to the topic sentence  ]

[In light of my argument noted above, I would argue that   ] There is no denying that learning to manage money at a young age is beneficial for children to [ in terms of growing into a financially responsible adult  ]  spend their childhood. During this period of time, children invest time in budgeting money will gain more edges in the upcoming competitive future.