Government improves safety for tourists

  • yuyuwo
    University: Tsinghua university
    Nationality: China
    April 9, 2019 at 12:24 pm

    TOPIC: In order to attract tourists, government should improve safety by hiring police rather than improve appearance by repairing old buildings and streets.

    Tourist income is one of the most important yields of local government. Government has put forward many ways to attract more tourists to increase revenue. Some people claim that safety plays a chief role when people choosing a place to visit. However, as far as I am concerned, improving appearance by repairing old buildings and streets is a better choice.

    To begin with, good facilities will provide tourists with better experiences. People who live in modern cities have got used to convenient facilities. They will be very satisfied if they could get access to the Internet anywhere, charge mobile phones when eating, take a taxi anywhere. That is to say, well-improved facilities are the guarantee of fulfilling these requirements. Complaints will be made if tourists feel inconvenient and they may persuade their friends not to visit this place.

    In addition, old buildings and streets represent historic cultures of a city. People who plan to go travel are more willing to visit places where have old buildings. They have already become accustomed to, even tired of mansions. Places which have historic buildings will be the first choice for people. Take myself as an example, when planning to travel last vacation, I chose the Forbidden City without hesitation. This place has intact historic architectures so that I could feel and know the history of ancient Beijing from these old buildings.

    Admittedly, hiring police to improve safety is a tempting way to attract tourists. It will leave the city with the reputation of good social security. Nevertheless, the benefits of maintaining old buildings and streets outweigh that of improving safety by hiring police. It is utter nonsense to merely hire more police without any valuable old buildings.

    To sum up, in order to attract more tourists, governments should improve appearance by repairing old buildings and streets since it will give tourists more pleasant experiences.

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    April 10, 2019 at 3:42 am

    This essay scores 51.2 in the test, which is considered fairly difficult to read. Try to make shorter sentences to improve readability.

    Problems (4)

    Passive voice: 16.7% of the sentences contain passive voice, which is more than the recommended maximum of 10%. Try to use their active counterparts.

    Sentence length: 44.4% of the sentences contain more than 20 words, which is more than the recommended maximum of 25%. Try to shorten the sentences (optimally to -15 words for most sentences).

    Avoid repeating words.

    Limit your essay to 320 words in rewriting it.

    Good results (3)

    Consecutive sentences: There is enough variety in your sentences. That’s great!

    Paragraph length: None of the paragraphs are too long. Great job!

    Transition words: Well done!

    Best wishes,

    Lin Qiu

    yuyuwo
    University: Tsinghua university
    Nationality: China
    April 10, 2019 at 9:16 am

    Tourist income is one of the most important yields of local government. Many ways have been put forward to attract more tourists to increase revenue. Some people suggest that safety plays a chief role when people choosing a place to visit. However, as far as I am concerned, improving appearance by repairing old buildings and streets is a better choice.

    To begin with, good facilities will provide tourists with better experience. People who live in modern cities have got used to convenient facilities. They will be very satisfied if they could get access to the Internet anywhere, charge mobile phones when eating, take a taxi at where they want. That is to say, well-improved facilities are the guarantee of fulfilling these requirements. Complaints will be made if tourists feel inconvenient when traveling and they may persuade their friends not to visit this place.

    In addition, old buildings and streets represent old cultures of a city. People who plan to go travel are more willing to visit places where have old buildings. They have already become accustomed to, even tired of mansions. Places which have historic buildings will be the first choice for people. For example, when planning to travel last vacation, I chose the Forbidden City without hesitation as it has intact historic architectures and I could feel and know the history of ancient Beijing from these old buildings.

    Admittedly, hiring police to improve safety is a tempting way to attract tourists because it will leave the city with the reputation of good social security and most people would love to travel in a safe city. Nevertheless, the benefits of maintaining old buildings and streets outweigh that of improving safety by hiring police. It is utter nonsense to merely hire more police without any valuable old buildings.

    To sum up, in order to attract more tourists, governments should improve appearance by repairing old buildings and streets since it will give tourists more pleasant experience.

     

    April 10, 2019 at 10:26 pm

    Problems (3)

    Passive voice: 15.8% of the sentences contain passive voice, which is more than the recommended maximum of 10%. Try to use their active counterparts.

    Sentence length: 31.6% of the sentences contain more than 20 words, which is more than the recommended maximum of 25%. Try to shorten the sentences to 20 words, preferably 15 words.

    Plagiarized content (i.e. Some people suggest that…as far as I am concerned…) significantly reduced the score.

    Improvements (1)

    The copy scores 52 in the test, which is considered fairly difficult to read. Try to make shorter sentences to improve readability.

    Good results (3)

    Consecutive sentences: There is enough variety in your sentences. That’s great!

    Paragraph length: None of the paragraphs are too long. Great job!

    Transition words: Well done!

    yuyuwo
    University: Tsinghua university
    Nationality: China
    April 11, 2019 at 3:44 am

    Tourist income is one of the most important yields of local government. Government has put forward many ways to attract more tourists to increase revenue. Some people claim that safety plays a chief role when people choosing a place to visit. However, as far as I am concerned, improving appearance by repairing old buildings and streets is a better choice.

    To begin with, good facilities will provide tourists with better experience. People who live in modern cities have got used to convenient facilities. They will be very satisfied if they could get access to the Internet anywhere, charge mobile phones when eating, take a taxi at where they want. That is to say, well-improved facilities are the guarantee of fulfilling these requirements. Complaints will be made if tourists feel inconvenient when traveling and they may persuade their friends not to visit this place.

    In addition, old buildings and streets represent old cultures of a city. People who plan to go travel are more willing to visit places where have old buildings. They have already become accustomed to, even tired of mansions. Places which have historic buildings will be the first choice for people. Take myself as an example, when planning to travel last vacation, I chose the Forbidden City without hesitation. This place has intact historic architectures so that I could feel and know the history of ancient Beijing from these old buildings.

    Admittedly, hiring police to improve safety is a tempting way to attract tourists because it will leave the city with the reputation of good social security. Nevertheless, the benefits of maintaining old buildings and streets outweigh that of improving safety by hiring police. It is utter nonsense to merely hire more police without any valuable old buildings.

    To sum up, in order to attract more tourists, governments should improve appearance by repairing old buildings and streets since it will give tourists more pleasant experience.

    April 11, 2019 at 5:22 pm

    Score: 52.5 (This is already a very good score; from 50, one improvement can raise the score between 0.1 and 0.4)

    Problems (1)

    Sentence length: 30% of the sentences contain more than 20 words, which is more than the recommended maximum of 25%. Try to shorten the sentences.

    Good results (4)

    Passive voice: You’re using enough active voice. That’s great!

    Consecutive sentences: There is enough variety in your sentences. That’s great!

    Paragraph length: None of the paragraphs are too long. Great job!

    Transition words: Well done!

    yuyuwo
    University: Tsinghua university
    Nationality: China
    April 14, 2019 at 12:19 pm

    Tourist income is one of the most important yields of local government. Government has put forward many ways to attract more tourists to increase revenue. Some people claim that safety plays a chief role when people choosing a place to visit. However, as far as I am concerned, improving appearance by repairing old buildings and streets is a better choice.

    To begin with, good facilities will provide tourists with better experiences. People who live in modern cities have got used to convenient facilities. They will be very satisfied if they could get access to the Internet anywhere, charge mobile phones when eating, take a taxi anywhere. That is to say, well-improved facilities are the guarantee of fulfilling these requirements. Complaints will be made if tourists feel inconvenient and they may persuade their friends not to visit this place.

    In addition, old buildings and streets represent historic cultures of a city. People who plan to go travel are more willing to visit places where have old buildings. They have already become accustomed to, even tired of mansions. Places which have historic buildings will be the first choice for people. Take myself as an example, when planning to travel last vacation, I chose the Forbidden City without hesitation. This place has intact historic architectures so that I could feel and know the history of ancient Beijing from these old buildings.

    Admittedly, hiring police to improve safety is a tempting way to attract tourists. It will leave the city with the reputation of good social security. Nevertheless, the benefits of maintaining old buildings and streets outweigh that of improving safety by hiring police. It is utter nonsense to merely hire more police without any valuable old buildings.

    To sum up, in order to attract more tourists, governments should improve appearance by repairing old buildings and streets since it will give tourists more pleasant experiences.

     

    April 15, 2019 at 10:52 pm

    Report from WritersForMe.com

     

    SCORE

    61.1 (Good)

    GOOD POINTS

    1. Readability (easiness to read): good!
    2. Sentence flow: Great!
    3. Paragraph Length: Great!
    4. Transition Words:  Great!
    5. Number of active voice: Great!

     

    April 16, 2019 at 4:38 pm

    Hi, here is your edited essay:

    https://writersforme.com/yuyuwo-toefl-essay-20190415/

    Best regards,

    Lin Qiu