Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Topics Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view?

  • aamani
    University: NCBS
    Nationality: Indian
    July 24, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    Human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals.

    Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view?

    Earth is the only planet known to us to nourish life in our solar system. And each and every species living here are the result of the complex process of evolution. Each animal even a small honey bee play a major role in the survival of living being on Earth. For the survival of human beings on this earth, it is essential that we try our best to save and preserve as many animals and species we can. Saving land for the endangered animal is one of the major steps we can take to preserve life on this planet.

    Even a small existing life on earth is a result of millions and millions year of evolution not a few years of development creations. Extinction of even one single species due to human intervention is shame on us. Despite knowing the fact and complexity of evolution we are not taking a step to preserve them for the future.

    Earth’s ecosystem is complex and meticulously engaging each form of living being to nurture life. For example, small honey bees are the one who performing pollination and helping us to get our vegetables and fruits on the palate, with all the scientific development we haven’t found a replacement for honey bee’s pollination yet. Similarly, other animals have their own roles in keeping the earth ecosystem running smoothly we cannot effort losing them as it will cost the life on the planet.

    And the most important factor is that we, human beings are the most intelligent animal on this planet, we can solve our land shortage issue with technological advancement and scientific development. However, other animals do not have the benefits of intelligence and technology. So, it is our responsibility to work sustainably and preserve the diversity of life of our mother nature.

    To sum up, each and every life on this planet have their role to play for the survival of life, we cannot afford losing animal and species at any cost. We as an intelligent animal can develop technology and solve our land shortage problem but not other animals So we should save the land for endangered species and work on what we are left with.

     
    Lin Qiu
    July 25, 2019 at 4:55 pm

    Score: 59.9

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Earth is the only planet known to us to nourish life in our solar system. And  [ Punctuation with coordinating word ] each and every species living here are the result[ word form – plural ] of the complex process of evolution. Each animal [ punctuation error ]even a small honey bee[ punctuation error ] play[  grammatical error] a major role[ redundant – matters ] in the survival of [  article error ]living being on Earth. For the survival of human beings on this earth, it is essential that we[ redundant – we must ] try our best to save and preserve as many animals and species [ as ]we can. Saving land for the endangered animal is one of the major steps we can take to preserve life on this planet.
     
    Even a small existing life on earth [  inconsistency: Earth-earth]is a result[repetition  ] of millions and millions[redundancy  ] year of evolution not [rather than  ]a few years of (development creations)[ unclear ]. Extinction of even one single species due to human intervention is shame on us. Despite knowing the fact and complexity of evolution we are not taking [ NOT – failed to take ]a step to preserve them for the future.
     
    Earth’s ecosystem is complex and meticulously engaging each form of [ article ]living being to nurture life. For example, small honey bees are the one who performing [  grammatical error]pollination and helping[ grammatical error ] us to get[  informal word] our vegetables and fruits on the palate, with all the scientific development we haven’t found a replacement for honey bee’s pollination yet. [Wordy]Similarly, other animals have their own roles in keeping the earth ecosystem running smoothly[ punctuation ] we cannot effort losing them [unclear  ]as [ as – since/because ]it [pronoun issue  ]will cost the life on the planet. [Wordy]
     
    And[ Coordinating word ] the most important factor is that we, human beings [ punctuation ]are the most intelligent animal on this planet, [ punctuation error ]we can solve our land shortage issue [ Repetition: shortage is already an issue ]with technological advancement and scientific development. [Wordy]However, other animals do not [ NOT ]have the benefits of intelligence and technology. So,[ coordinating word error ] it is our responsibility to work[wordy  ] sustainably and preserve the diversity of life of our mother nature.
     
    To sum up, each and every life on this planet have their role to play for the survival of life, [ punctuation ]we cannot afford losing animal and species at any cost. We as an intelligent animal can develop technology and solve our land shortage problem but not other animals [  punctuation]So we should save the land for endangered species and work on what we are left with. [Wordy]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    5. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    6. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    7. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    8. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    9. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    10. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    11. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    12. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    13. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    14. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    15. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    16. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    17. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
     
    aamani
    University: NCBS
    Nationality: Indian
    July 26, 2019 at 1:59 pm

    Earth is the only planet known to us to nourish life in our solar system and each and every species living here are the results of the complex process of evolution. Each animal, even a small honey bee, matters for the survival of the living being on Earth. Being an intelligent species, it is our duty to save and preserve as many animals and species as we can. Saving land for the endangered animal is one of the major steps we can take to preserve life on this planet.

    To begin with, it is well studied and understood that life on Earth has resulted in millions of years of evolution process rather than a result of a few years of the development process. Despite,  understanding the complexity of evolution process if we fail to take a step to protect them and preserve for the future generation. Extinction of even a single species due to human intervention is shame on us. For example, the number of sparrows in India has decreased largely due to our negligence resulting in the extinction of a very common bird.

    Additionally, Earth’s ecosystem is complex and meticulously engaging each form of the living being to nurture life. For example, small honey bees are responsible for a large percentage of pollination which results in our fruits and vegetables. In spite of being advances in science and technology, we don’t have a device or a method of pollination to replace honey bees skills. Similarly, other animals have their own roles in keeping the earth ecosystem running smoothly. We cannot effort the extinction of even a single species anymore since this will cost us to our balanced ecosystem.

    Last but the most important factor is that we, human beings, are the most intelligent animal on this planet. We can solve our land with technological and scientific development. However, other animals don’t share the benefits of intelligence and technology. Therefore, it is our responsibility for sustainable development to preserve the diversity of life on Earth.

    In a nutshell, each and every life on this planet have their roles to play for the survival of life. We cannot afford losing animal and species at any cost. We, as an intelligent animal, can develop technology and solve our land shortage problem but no other animals can. Therefore, in my opinion, we should save the land for endangered species as a priority.

     

     
    Lin Qiu
    July 30, 2019 at 2:14 am

    Score:  58.2

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten your essay to -320 words.

    Problems Highlight

    Earth is the only planet known to us to nourish life in our solar system [punctuation error]and each and every species living here are the results of the complex process of evolution. Each animal, even a small honey bee, matters for the survival of the living being on Earth. Being an intelligent species, it[pronoun error/dangling modifier: logically, ‘it’ is not a species.  ] is our duty to save and preserve as many animals and species as we can. Saving land for the endangered animal is one of the major steps we can take to preserve life on this planet.

    To begin with, it is well studied and understood that life on Earth has resulted in millions of years of evolution process [ redundant: evolution is a process ] rather than a result of a few years of the development process. [Wordy]Despite, understanding the complexity of evolution process if we fail to take a step to protect them and preserve for the future generation. [  unclear and wordy sentence] Extinction of even a single species due to human intervention is shame on us. For example, the number of sparrows in India has decreased largely due to our negligence resulting in the extinction of a very common bird.[ Unclear and wordy sentence ]

    Additionally, Earth’s ecosystem is complex and meticulously engaging each form of the living being to nurture life. For example, small honey bees are responsible for a large percentage of pollination[punctuation error] which results in our fruits and vegetables. [Wordy]In spite of being Regardless of advances in science and technology, we don’t have a device or a method of pollination to replace honey bees[ grammatical error – bees’ ] skills. Similarly, other animals have their own roles in keeping the earth ecosystem running smoothly. We cannot effort the extinction of even a single species anymore since this[ Unclear pronoun ] will cost us to our balanced ecosystem.

    Last but the most important factor is that we, human beings, are the most intelligent animal on this planet. We can solve our land[  factual confusion – solve a problem, not the land] with technological and scientific development. However, other animals don’t share the benefits of intelligence and technology. Therefore, it is our responsibility for sustainable development to preserve the diversity of life on Earth for sustainable development.

    In a nutshell, each and every life on this planet have their roles to play for the survival of life. We cannot afford losing animal and species at any cost. We, as an intelligent animal, can develop technology and solve our land shortage problem but no other animals can. Therefore, in my opinion, we should save the land for endangered species as a priority.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.