In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay. (Full Score)
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University: University of Wisconsin
September 25, 2019 at 2:04 pm
TOEFL Writing Sample: In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.
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The fact that the average lifespan of a person has increased in modern times is a result of the law of averages. Both developed and developing countries have easier access to antibiotics, for instance. The lack of this type of medicine was one of the main reasons people died in previous generations. Since many more people in the world died from treatable diseases, it is a statistical reality that the ‘average’ person lives longer in the 21st century.
Besides antibiotics, other major improvements have come in terms of child mortality rates. They are still very high in so-called 3rd world countries, however the improvement of child bearing facilities in heavily populated countries like China, India, and Indonesia means that a higher percentage of children ‘survive’ childhood.
There are also vaccines for many illnesses that prevent people from dying at a young age. Also, in many societies, old people were not very well cared for in previous centuries. Institutions such as the European Union have made it easier to mandate health requirements that can help people live longer. Many modern nations have ‘single payer’ health care systems that facilitate visits to the doctor. Surgery has improved since the 19th century and fewer people die ‘under the knife’ nowadays. Lastly, it is probable that many more people died from eating bad food and that is another big improvement in modern societies.
But maybe the assumption that ‘people live longer’ is not entirely accurate. For instance, there are many records of people who lived to a very old age in ancient times. Since there are so many of these accounts in history books and religious sources, it seems pretty likely that some of them are true. So, I think that in the past some of the people lived much longer than they do today although the average person is likely to live much longer in modern times.
- All of the prompts are from former TOEFL exams.
- The information available online, i.e., Google search results, is either misleading or wrong relative to length: [an organization] states independent essays should be between 280-320 words. More words than needed is equivalent to more opportunities to make a mistake. Students should be informed re: word count, i.e., MORE WORDS does not mean a higher score.
- Information concerning paragraphs/content available from [a TOEFL training school], etc. is also wrong: the number of paragraphs is irrelevant and the only important issue re: content is to RESPOND DIRECTLY to the prompt, i.e., the raters/software doesn’t care about structure or content except the latter must Make sense and Must directly respond to the prompt [to preclude prepared essays].
- UK usage/spelling is entirely acceptable.
- AVOID complex grammar; avoid ‘Chinese English’ usage; 5 tenses: present, past, future, present perfect [have done/has been], and conditional [would go/could do it] are OPTIMAL.
- Don’t rewrite the prompt in the first paragraph of your essay…it’s okay to paraphrase [use words that mean the same thing].
- Recent TOEFL change…students found test takes too long, so there are fewer multiple-choice questions, i.e., essays are now more heavily ‘weighted’]
In this composition, you have divided the most important factors into different situations. At the end of the article, you have added an extra factor different from the ones given in the question.
I am a little confused, since the main question is the most important one of the three factors, is this end of the article a little off topic (domestic education is to sum up the previous points)? In other words, to what extent does my article clearly express my opinion? Because I feel that the structure and content of your articles are more readable and flexible, compared with the articles given by various online resources, I would like to learn from you. But I really can’t understand why you deal with the article like this, so I would like to consult you. I hope I didn’t disturb you, thank you!Administrator
University: University of Wisconsin
October 11, 2019 at 3:26 pm
First, let me explain the term ‘law of averages,’ which refers the rules that most potential events can balance prior abnormal events.
You are right, the first three factors could fully answer the topic and certainly without the last paragraph, the essay can still earn a perfect (full) score.
The reason to add the last seemingly unnecessary paragraph is to tell the readers that essays can be written naturally according to what people think. This paragraph is not absolutely needed, but it is still relevant.
If you read all our Full-score essays, you will find that all of them were written in a very “casual/natural” manner, and this is what good writing is supposed to be.
Many Chinese students fail to score high on TOEFL/IELTS writing test because they use formatted writing (prepared by an ESL training school). For this reason, all our full-score TOEFL/IELTS essays were written naturally, and even among all our essays, they don’t repeat each other in terms of content and writing styles.
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