In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this have postive or negative effects on society?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this have postive or negative effects on society?

  • Jane
    University: Nanjing Audit University
    Nationality: China
    July 15, 2019 at 4:46 am

    An old couple were crossing the street in Berlin.

    IELTS Writing Topic: : In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this have postive or negative effects on society?

    People’s life expectancy has climbed possibly because of the improvement of medical technologies and social welfare. The extension of life enables humanity to make good use of wealth. However, the demographic change also imposes a burden on society.

    One issue resulted from an ageing population is that heath care expense rising dramatically, which accounts for a large proportion in public services. However, the money paid by taxpayers is limited. This means that other essential public service might be underfunded. For instance, government might lack money to invest in education system, causing a decrease in education standard. If social resource is largely occupied by senior citizens, the pace of work might slow down in the long term. The senior workers tend to struggle to learn how to use advanced technologies, with a decline in the ability to absorb information. Companies may not recruit enough younger employers to develop their business, which exerts an adverse effect on productivity and profitability.

    On the other hand, the wisdom and experience of the elderly can contribute extraordinarily to our society. Besides, with more and more people taking a healthier lifestyle, they might still work actively in their positions. They can impart their knowledge of how to manage a company to the younger employers , enabling young people to provide better services for clients.

    To sum up, the ageing population influences the development of society in many aspects, although their experience can be a valuable tool for society. The extension of life expectancy has put pressure on taxpayers and made companies less productive.

    July 16, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Score: 47.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    People’s life expectancy has climbed possibly[problematic adverb/vague] because of the improvement of medical technologies and social welfare. [Redundant]The extension of life enables humanity【wrong word to make good use of wealth. However, the [  article error   ]demographic change also imposes a burden on society.
     
    One issue resulted from an ageing population is that heath[  spelling error   ] care expense rising dramatically[   grammatical error  ], which accounts for a large proportion in public services.[Vague] However, the money paid by taxpayers is limited.[Passive] This means that other essential public service [  word form  error ]might be underfunded.[Passive] For instance, government might lack money to invest in [ article error ]education system, causing a decrease in [  article  error ]education standard. If social resource is largely occupied by senior citizens, the pace of work might slow down in the long term. [  subjunctive voice sentence grammatical error ]The[  article  error ] senior workers tend to struggle to learn how to use advanced technologies, with a decline in the ability to absorb information. Companies may not recruit enough younger employers to develop their business, which exerts an adverse effect on productivity and profitability.[Vague]
     
    On the other hand, the wisdom and experience of the elderly can contribute extraordinarily to our society. Besides, with more and [    Redundant ]more people taking a healthier lifestyle, they might still work actively in their positions. They can impart their knowledge of how to manage a company to the[  article  error ] younger employers , enabling young people to provide better services for clients.[Vague]
     
    To sum up, the ageing population influences the development of society in many aspects, [  punctuation  error ]although their experience can be a valuable tool for society. [Vague]The extension of life expectancy has put pressure on taxpayers and made companies less productive.

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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