It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life.
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June 18, 2019 at 8:55 am
Essay Topic: It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life.
There are all kinds of affairs happening everyday around or far away from us. Some people think that we need to keep an eye on these things in order to keep up with the world’s pace. However, as far as I am concerned, we should not be overcome by the information around us let along the matters far away from us.
Definitely, we human beings have limited energy everyday and it should be used carefully. When we are working, for example, solving math problems. It is a difficult process and will cost our everyday’s energy. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, do you still have the energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination? Most people may just want to lie on the bed than to read more questions. This is an example of energy used up. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, your original work must be influenced due to the reduced energy on it. There is no doubt that the right place on which your energy should be put is your work rather than the nonsense around the world which have little influence on you.
Moreover, some negative emotions may arise due to the excessive information you collect from the world. The internet nowadays gives people access to information all over the world. Convenient as it seems, you are also exposed to the spite on the internet. For example, rumors on your idol may make you angry and you are likely to fight against the people who send or believe these rumors. Firstly, you are in bad mood, this is not good for your health and then you may make mistakes during your work only because you are in a bad mood which may make you pay for money penalty. Besides, you can never imagine that this rumor is even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public! Your worry about idol is just a joke in the eyes of other people and you even may pay for it with your own health time and even money. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body, you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that be isolated from the world may make you out of date and thus be joked by other people. Is this really that the case? “Focus on yourself and do the right thing.” This is once said by Lebron James during the NBA final games. He turned off his twitter and other social media. All he wanted is the NBA championship, so he focused on that and finally made it in 2016. From this case, we should know that there is no need to worry about these affairs as long as you know what is the most important matter to you. For James, he won his champion in 2016, is there any chance for him to be laughed at provided that he does not know where the U.S. president has been?
In a nutshell, the overload information not only will occupy your limited energy and decrease your work efficiency but also may hurt your health and push you away from success. What you really need is to just focus on your own business and do a good job.
June 18, 2019 at 2:35 pmScore: 77.9
Suggestions for Improvement
- Shorten your essay to 320 words;
- Limit each paragraph to 85 words;
- Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
- Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts.
Problems Highlight
There are all kinds of affairs happening everyday [spelling error]around or far away from us. Some people think that we need to keep an eye on these things in order to keep up with the world’s pace. However, as far as I am concerned[redundancy], we should not be overcome by the information around us let along [spelling error]the matters far away from us.
Definitely, we human beings have limited energy everyday[spelling error][punctuation error] and it should be used [Passive]carefully. When we are working, for example, solving math problems. It is a difficult [wrong choice of word]process and will cost our everyday[spelling error]’s energy. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, do you still have the energy [repetition]to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination? Most people may just [Problematic/unnecessary adverb]want to lie on the bed than to read more questions. This[Unclear pronoun] is an example of energy used up. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, your original work must be influenced [Passive]due to the reduced energy[repetition] on it. There is no doubt that the right place on which your energy should be put [Passive]is your work rather than the nonsense around the world which have little influence on you.[Verbose]
Moreover, some negative emotions may arise due to the excessive information you collect from the world. The internet nowadays gives people access to information all over the world. Convenient as it seems, you are also exposed to the spite on the internet. For example, rumors on your idol may make you angry[punctuation error] and you are likely to fight against the people who send or believe these rumors. Firstly, you are in [article error]bad mood, this is not good for your health [punctuation error]and then you may make mistakes during your work only because you are in a bad mood which may make you pay for money penalty. [Verbose]Besides, you can never imagine that this rumor is even released[passive] by his own[redundant] group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public! Your worry about idol is just [Problematic/unnecessary adverb]a joke in the eyes of other people [punctuation error]and you even may pay for it with your own health time and even money. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body, [punctuation error]you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that be isolated[Passive] from the world may make you out of date and thus be joked by [Passive]other people. Is this really [Problematic/unnecessary adverb]that the case? “Focus on yourself and do the right thing.” This is once said by Lebron James [passive]during the NBA final games. He turned off his twitter and other social media. All he wanted is the NBA championship, so he focused on that and finally made it in 2016. From this case, we should know that there is no need to worry about these affairs as long as you know what is the most important matter to you. For James, he won his champion in 2016, is there any chance for him to be laughed [Passive]at provided that he does not know where the U.S. president has been?
In a nutshell, the overload information not only will occupy your limited energy and decrease your work efficiency but also may hurt your health and push you away from success. [Verbose]What you really [Problematic/unnecessary adverb]need is to just[Problematic/unnecessary adverb] focus on your own business and do a good job.
Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay.
June 18, 2019 at 4:11 pmThere are all kinds of affairs happening every day around or far away from us. Some people think that we need to keep an eye on these things in order to keep up with the world’s pace. However, in my point of view, we should not be overcome by the information around us let alone the matters far away from us.
Definitely, we human beings have limited energy every day and we should carefully applied them. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, do you still have the energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination? Most people may just want to lie on the bed than to read more questions. This is an example of energy used up. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you are bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work. As it is your work rather than those nonsense that give you money, hence I believe it would be wiser to spend more time on your work.
Moreover, some negative emotions may arise due to the excessive information you collect from the world. Convenient as the internet seems, you are also exposed to the spite on the internet. For example, rumors on your idol may make you annoyed and even fight against the people who send or believe these rumors. Consequently, you are in a bad mood, this is harmful to your health and then you may make mistakes during your work owing to the bad mood, which may make you pay the penalty. Besides, you can never imagine that this rumor is even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public! Your worry about idol is just a joke in the eyes of other people and you even may pay for it with your own health time and even money. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body, you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being isolated from the world may make you out of date and thus other people would scorn your ignorance. Is this really that the case? “Focus on yourself and do the right thing.” This is once said by Lebron James during the NBA final games. He turned off his twitter and other social media. All he wanted is the NBA championship, so he focused on that and finally made it in 2016. From this case, we should know that there is no need to worry about these affairs as long as you know what is the most important matter to you. For James, he won his champion in 2016, is there any chance for him to be laughed at provided that he does not know where the U.S. president has been? Probably not.
In a nutshell, the overload information not only will occupy your limited energy and decrease your work efficiency but also may hurt your health and push you away from success. What you really need is to just focus on your own business and do a good job.
June 19, 2019 at 9:16 pmSuggestions for Improvement
- Shorten your essay to 320 words and limit each paragraph to 85 words. I will work on your essay from there.
June 21, 2019 at 6:56 amNews is happening everywhere in the world every day. Some people think that we need to keep an eye on these things in order to keep up with the world’s pace. However, in my point of view, we should not be overcome by the information around us.in
Definitely, we human beings have limited energy every day and we should carefully apply them. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, most people wouldn’t have the extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you are bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work. As it is your work rather than that nonsense that give you money, hence I believe it would be wiser to spend more time on your work.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. Internet nowadays provides us with easy access to various affairs from politic conflicts to online stars’ anecdotes. Convenient as it seems, you are also exposed to the spite on the internet. For example, rumors on your idol may make you annoyed and want to fight for your idol. But in fact, this rumor is even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public. However, apart from the harmfulness brought by the bad mood, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body, you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being isolated from the world may make you out of date and thus other people would scorn your ignorance. Is this really that the case? I still remember the words “Focus on yourself and do the right thing.” said Lebron James during the NBA final games. He turned off his twitter and other social media. All he wanted is the NBA championship, so he focused on that and finally made it in 2016. Is there any chance for him to be laughed at provided that he does not know the news like where the U.S. president has been? Probably not. We should bear in mind that there is no need or time to worry about these affairs as long as you know what is the most important matter to you.
In a nutshell, the overload information would hurt you and push you away from success. What you really need is to just focus on your own business and do a good job.
——————————————
Well, honestly speaking, I am really not able to shorten the passage anymore, or its logic and integrity would be influenced. So I think this may be the final revision I made if I stick to the original line of reasoning of this passage. 😉
Besides, could I know the corresponding score in TOEFL scores (30)?
Thank you
June 21, 2019 at 5:12 pmHi,
TOEFL essay is graded based on the total number of errors rather than the percentage of errors. As such, you will receive a lower score when you write a 400-word essay than otherwise writing a 300-word essay with same quality. In general, 300-320 word is perfect and that is why I recommend students to submit an essay with a maximum of 320 words. Think this way: the US universities accept both TOEFL and IELTS test results and treat them indiscriminately, so what is the point of writing a 400-word TOEFL essay while a 250-word essay is sufficient for the IELTS test?
June 21, 2019 at 5:24 pmScore: 77.5 (This score could change dramatically when you present an essay of 320 words.)
Suggestions for Improvement:
- Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
- Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
- Remove unnecessary/problematic adverbs;
- Numerous grammatical errors;
- Most sentences are hard to understand (do extensive, high-quality reading and listening to improve your language sense.]
- Remain consistent in person (don’t change from 1st person to 2nd /3rd person).
Problems Highlight
News is happening everywhere in the world every day. Some people think that we need to keep an eye on these things[not mentioned in the prior sentence] in order to keep up with the world’s pace. However, in my point of view, we should not be overcome[passive] by the information around us.in[?]
Definitely[Unnecessary/problematic adverb], we human beings have limited energy every day[redundant][Punctuation error] and we should carefully apply them[wrong pronoun]. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, most people wouldn’t have the[article error] extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. So, if you[Person inconsistency] spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you are bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work.[Grammatical error- check grammar used for subjunctive voice] As it is your work rather than that nonsense that give[grammatical error] you money, hence I believe it would be wiser to spend more time on your work.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. Internet nowadays provides us with easy access to various affairs from politic conflicts to online stars’ anecdotes.[Verbose] Convenient as it seems, you are also exposed[passive] to the spite on the internet. For example, rumors on your idol may make you annoyed and want to fight for your idol. But in fact, this rumor is even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public. However, apart from the harmfulness brought by the bad mood, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body,[Punctuation error] you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being isolated[passive] from the world may make you out of date [Punctuation error] and thus other people would scorn your ignorance. Is this really[Problematic/unnecessary adverb] that the case? I still remember the words “Focus on yourself and do the right thing.” said Lebron James during the NBA final games. He turned off his twitter and other social media. All he [Choppy sentences with many sentences starting with HE]wanted is the NBA championship, so he focused on that and finally made it in 2016. Is there any chance for him to be laughed [Passive]at provided that he does not know the news like where the U.S. president has been? Probably not. We should bear in mind that there is no need or time to worry about these affairs as long as you know what is the most important [overused word]matter to you.
In a nutshell, the overload information would hurt you and push you away from success. What you really[Problematic/unnecessary adverb] need is to just [Problematic/unnecessary adverb] focus on your own business and do a good job.
Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Revise and resubmit your essay and I will thereafter work on the remaining issue.
June 27, 2019 at 2:47 pmNowadays, all kinds of news are striking our eyes. Some people think that we shall try to know what is happening every day. However, in my point of view we should not be overwhelmed by the information given by the world.
Initially, we human beings have limited energy every day and we should carefully applied it. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, you wouldn’t have extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you will be bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work. This not a wise decision because it is your work rather than those nonsense that gives you money.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. The more you read, the more you are likely exposed to the spite. For example, rumors on your idol which make you annoyed are even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public. However, after reading them, apart from the harmfulness brought to you by the bad mood, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body and thus you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being out of date may lead to others’ scorns on your ignorance. Is that really the case? For LeBron James, he turned off his twitter and other social media, which helped him win the championship in 2016. No one could laugh at him provided that he does not know other anecdotes. When it comes to us, we should always bear in mind what matters to us most and just focus on that.
In a nutshell, the overload information not only will occupy your limited energy and decrease your work efficiency but also may hurt your health and push you away from success. What you need is to focus on your own business and do a good job
June 27, 2019 at 4:51 pmScore: 75.6
Suggestions for Improvement
- Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
- Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words
- Inconsistency in Person ( I, us, you…)
Problems Highlight
Nowadays, all kinds of news are striking our eyes. Some people think that we shall[wrong word] try to know what is happening every day. However, in my point of view [punctuation error]we should not be overwhelmed by [passive]the information given by the world[Logical confusion]
Initially[wrong word], we human beings have limited energy every day [punctuation error]and we should carefully applied [grammatical error]it. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, you wouldn’t have extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. So, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you will be bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work. This[Unclear pronoun] not [grammatical error]a wise decision because it is your work rather than those nonsense[grammatical error] that gives you money[logical confusion].
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. The more you read, the more you are likely exposed to the spite. For example, rumors on your idol which[confusing pronoun] make you annoyed are even released[passive] by his own group — only to help him[unclear pronoun] become the discussion center of the public. However, after reading them[uncear pronoun], apart from the harmfulness [grammatical error] brought to you by the bad mood, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as body[grammatical error] and thus you should keep away from them[unclear pronoun].
Some people may argue that being out of date may lead to others’ scorns on your ignorance. Is that really[problematic adverb] the case? For LeBron James, he turned off his twitter and other social media, which helped him win the championship in 2016. No one could laugh at him provided that he does[inconsistency in tense] not know other anecdotes. When it comes to us, we should always bear in mind what matters to us most and just[problematic adverb] focus on that.
In a nutshell, the overload[grammatical error]information not only will occupy your limited energy and decrease your work efficiency but also may [imbalance in structure] hurt your health and push you away from success. [Verbose]What you need is to focus on your own business and do a good job.
Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision. Regards.
July 1, 2019 at 9:47 amNowadays, all kinds of news are striking our eyes. Some people think that we should try to know what is happening every day. However, in my point of view, it is silly to let the flows of information provided by the world occupy our attention.
Initially, we human beings have limited energy every day and we should carefully apply it. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, you wouldn’t have extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. Similarly, if you spend your energy finding out what is going on around the world, you will be bound to reduce the energy spent on your original work. This is not a wise decision because this may make you less efficient in your work and thus make less money.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. The more you read, the more you are likely exposed to the spite. For example, rumors on your idol that make you annoyed are even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public. However, after reading them, apart from the harm brought to you by the bad mood, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as your body and thus you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being out of date may lead to others’ scorns on your ignorance. Is that really the case? For LeBron James, he turned off his twitter and other social media, which helped him win the championship in 2016. No one could laugh at him provided that he did not know other anecdotes. When it comes to us, we should always bear in mind what matters to us most and focus on that.
In a nutshell, the overload information will not only decrease our work efficiency but also hurt our health and push us away from success. What we need is to focus on our own business and do a good job.
July 2, 2019 at 7:47 pmScore: 76.1
Suggestions for Improvement
- Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
- Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.
Problems Highlight
Nowadays, all kinds of news are striking our eyes. Some people think that we should (try to)[redundant] know what is happening every day. However, in my point of view, it [unclear pronoun]is silly to let the flows of information (provided by the world) [redundant] occupy our attention.
Initially[Problematic adverb], we human beings have limited energy every day [punctuation error]and we should carefully apply it[unclear pronoun]. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, you wouldn’t have extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination[Logical confusion]. Similarly, if you spend your energy [Repetition]finding out what is going on around the world, you will be bound to reduce the energy spent on [Repetition]your original work.[Grammatical Error/check grammar for subjunctive voice] This [unclear pronoun]is not a wise decision because this[unclear pronoun] may make you less efficient in your work and thus make [Grammatical Error]less money.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. The more you read, the more you are likely exposed to the spite. For example, rumors on your idol that make [Grammatical error] you annoyed[redundancy] are even released [Passive]by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public[Verbose]. However, after reading them[unclear pronoun], apart from the harm brought to you by the bad mood[Grammatical error] , [pronounciation error]you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as your body [Punctuation eeror]and thus you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being out of date may lead to others’ scorns on your ignorance. Is that really the case? For LeBron James, he turned off his Twxx and other social media, which helped him win the championship in 2016. No one could laugh at him provided that he did not know other anecdotes[unclear writing]. When it [unclear pronoun]comes to us, we should always bear in mind what matters to us most and focus on that[unclear pronoun].
In a nutshell, the overload[repetition] information will not only decrease our work efficiency but also hurt our health and push us away from success. What we need is to focus on our own business and do a good job.
Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision. Regards.
July 4, 2019 at 11:52 amNowadays, all kinds of news are striking our eyes. Some people think that we should know what is happening every day. However, in my point of view, letting the flows of excessive information occupy our attention.
Firstly, we human beings have limited energy every day, and we should carefully apply the energy. Imagine that, after working 4 hours on math, you would feel exhausted and would not have extra energy to solve another 4 hours’ SAT examination. Similarly, if you care about what is going on around the world, you will be bound to reduce the energy on your original work. This is not a wise decision because less energy on work may make you less efficient and earn less money.
Moreover, excessive information would bring you negative influence. The more you read, the more you are likely exposed to the spite. For example, rumors about your idol which make you annoyed are even released by his own group — only to help him become the discussion center of the public. However, after reading those rumors, apart from the harm brought to you by the unhealthy emotion, you are also likely to act capriciously and make mistakes at work. Therefore, the overload information may hurt your soul as well as your body, and thus you should keep away from them.
Some people may argue that being out of date may lead to others’ scorns on your ignorance. Is that really the case? For LeBron James, he turned off his Twitter and other social media, which helped him win the championship in 2016. No one could laugh at him provided that he did not know other news taking place. Hence, for us, we should always bear in mind what matters to us most and focus on them.
In a nutshell, the overload information will not only decrease our work efficiency but also hurt our health and push us away from success. What we need is to focus on our own business and do a good job.
July 4, 2019 at 1:01 pmScore: 73.9
Suggestions for Improvement
- Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
- Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.
