It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life.

Score: 66

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

Score: 64.4

Thanks to the development of information technology, nowadays people can quickly know about events happening around the world. [ punctuation error with coordinating word ]And there is a public discussion about whether knowing about worldwide [wrong word  ] events is important even if they are unlikely to affect our daily life. In my opinion, attention [word form error  ] to the events unrelated to us doesn’t make sense.

There is no doubt that rich knowledge of worldwide [wrong word ] events improves our understanding of the cultures of other countries[ wordy] . [punctuation error ] And we can obtain some experience and impressions from these events which might be helpful in the future. However, although it [unclear pronoun ] can benefit us in[preposition error ] some extent, it[unclear pronoun ] ’s unnecessary[ vague] for everyone.

Firstly, if an event is impossible to affect our lives, the benefits it brings [grammatical error ] us are also likely to be unnecessary. For example, a foreign country has changed its president recently. This event is closely related to the citizens of that country, but it’s unrelated[repetition ] to us. We only know this event has happened somewhere, but there is little we can learn from it. What’s more, the probability of mentioning it while chatting with our friends is nearly zero. How can a thing benefit us that we won’t even talk about it in our daily life?

Some people may argue that it[ unclear pronoun] can benefit us indirectly, though not directly. [punctuation error ] And here is my second point. Everyone has limited time every day, and we can only do one thing at a time. We are facing a choice whether to spend our spare time in learning the events irrelevant to us or participating in other activities. Many things have direct benefits to us, (such as doing more exercise or reading a book)[misplaced ] related to our majors. I think it’s not difficult to make the right choice. Furthermore, considering that most students have a heavy burden of study, wasting time on knowing these meaningless events makes things even worse.

In conclusion, it’s unnecessary[repetition ] to know about events happening around the world which will unlikely affect us.

Score: 62.7

Final Revision

Thanks to the development of information technology, nowadays people can quickly know about events happening around the world. There is a public discussion [  factual error/don’t fabricate things against truth ]  about whether knowing about overseas events is important, even if they are unlikely to affect our daily life. In my opinion, attentions to attending the events unrelated to us don’t make sense [ informal  ] .

Undoubtedly, developing rich knowledge of worldwide events improves our understanding of the exotic cultures of other countries. We can obtain some experience and impressions from these events which might be helpful in the future. However, although knowledge of overseas events can benefit us to some extent, it’s not necessary for everyone.

Firstly, if an event is impossible to affect our lives, the benefits it brings to us remain limited also likely to be unnecessary. For example, a foreign country has changed its president recently. This event is closely related to the citizens of that country, but not to us. We only know this event has happened somewhere, but there is little we can learn from it. What’s more, the probability of mentioning it while chatting with our friends is nearly zero. How can a thing benefit us that if we won’t even talk about it in our daily life?

Some people may argue that knowing about events happening around the world can benefit us indirectly, though not directly. Here is my second point. Everyone has limited time every day, and we can only do one thing at a time. We are facing a choice whether to spend our spare time in learning the events irrelevant to us or participating in other activities. Many things, such as doing more exercise or reading a book related to our majors, have direct benefits to us. I think it’s not difficult to make the right choice. Furthermore, considering that most students have a heavy burden of study, wasting time on knowing these meaningless events makes things even worse [unclear   ] .

In conclusion, it is not essential to know about events happening around the world which [unclear pronoun   ]  will unlikely affect us.