It is more important for government to spend more money on art and music museums than on facilities (like playground, public swimming pools).

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing It is more important for government to spend more money on art and music museums than on facilities (like playground, public swimming pools).

  • QianjunLiu
    University: china university of petroleum
    Nationality: china university of petroleum
    December 1, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    It is more important for government to spend more money on art and music museums than on facilities (like playground, public swimming pools).

    Whether should government spend more money on art and music museums than on sport facilities has been triggered a heated discussion among the public. I believe that it is more important to spend money on sports facilities due to its contribution to people’s health, and art can be sponsored by private entrepreneurs.

    To begin with, facilities like playgrounds and public swimming pool can improve people’s health condition. Initially, facilities can provide people useful equipment to improve their physical health. To be more specific, people can resort the facilities to do many kinds of sports like swimming, running, dancing or play basketball, play football, which will be definitely benefitial to their physical health; art and music museum, on the contrary, cannot provide the same benefits to people’s physical health. Moreover, facilities are also contributed to people’s mental health. In detail, people can meet a lot of new friends or have an opportunity to communicate with old friends, which can make them relief from burden work in company; however, in art and music museum, they cannot meet so many like-minded friends which can share their troublesome problems.

    What should be equally worth discussing is that art and music museum can get money from the other ways but not from the government. Primarily, many rich celebrities are often singers, actors, painters and entrepreneurs who are always intrigued in art and music works, so they are more likely to sponsor the gallery or museum; sports facilities, by contrast, cannot gain so much sponsor from the private entrepreneur. As a consequence, there’s no need for government to spend more money on the art. Furthermore, public can also appreciate art and music in the concert and from books, TV programs and the other ways, which are more convenient. To invest money expending these museums sometimes are not so necessary.

    To conclusion, it is the best choice for government to spend more money on sports facilities, which will place the whole public as beneficiaries.

    December 20, 2019 at 3:43 am

    Score: 57.2

    Issues:

    1. Numerous grammatical errors;
    2. More than 50% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.