Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say that we should concentrate more on problems human beings.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say that we should concentrate more on problems human beings.

  • 123qw4q
    University: 北京信息科技
    Nationality: china
    April 23, 2020 at 9:40 am

    Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say that we should concentrate more on problems human beings. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

    The argument whether we should protect the animals which are nearly extinct has been no answer. I believe that we would rather pay closely attention to human beings’ problem than protect these animals against dying out.

    On one hand, some people said we should protect rare animals and it is necessary, this is because they believe that if we don’t do that, human is also at risk of extinction. Human and animals are all natural species. We sustain the balance of nature together. The extinction of one animal would more or less influence our live. For instance, all kinds of plant need to be pollinated by bees, if they were extinct, we would suffer from hunger because of the food crisis. In other word, protect animals is to protect ourselves.

    On the other hand, there are some people believe that the premier thing we should do is focus on ourselves. To be honest, there are still abundant issues need to be solved urgently, like crime, human right, racism, etc. If we put animal protection first instead of face these problems, we would put our society in danger. So, focusing on ourselves is a better way to benefit us.

    Overall, there are good argument on either side of the debate, but I believe that we should focus on ourselves, because not all the animals would benefit us, Apparently, those society issue would influence our live in a more direct way compared to animal issue. instead pay abundant money to protect animals that we have on idea whether they can benefit us, concentrate on problem of human beings.

    April 29, 2020 at 8:28 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Suggestions:

    1. About 25% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    2. Lots of grammatical errors;
    3. Many unclear pronouns. Replace pronouns (it, this., etc) that fail to echo clearly the noun in the prior sentence with nouns. 
    4. Use conditional writing and avoid using words such as All/Must., etc. 
    5. Remove unnecessary words/phrases (i.e. to be honest; there are..);

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.