Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.

Score: 63

With the development of the entertainment industry, today movies and television are necessary for young people’s daily life. But some people say these entertainments may have various negative effects on young people. I don’t agree with them. From my perspective, I think movies and television (are something beneficial for) [ dull BE verb ] young people.

First, movies and television let young people know what is going on in the world. Young people [repetition  ] nowadays are quite busy with [absolute statement  ] their studies and work. [  lack transitory word]Many of them don’t have the opportunity to read newspapers carefully as their parents do. However, through TV programs, they have more chances to get to know the news in their communities. Additionally, thanks to powerful social media, people are able to get information more quickly and [ unparallel / quickly-in different.. ]even in several different viewpoints.

Second, some people always regard the [ article error ]movies and TV shows as dramatic plays. But that’s [ informal ] not true. Apart from many artistic, dramatic expressions, there’re [  informal]many realistic projects. [ lack of transitory word ]Lots of young people are interested in documentaries about/in relation to history, politics and so on. These projects [unclear word  ]are more vivid than just reading [unparallel  ]books or academic essays, while they [unclear pronoun  ] are as professional as the latter. Thus, young people can acquire knowledge from these projects [inappropriate word  ] as well.

Finally, movies and TV programs inspire young people. As everyone [ absolute statement ] already recognized, movies are a kind of art. Many famous directors and actors got inspirations from former movies and TV shows when they were young. [ lack connection ]Art is the reflection of human civilization. No matter for people who work in the creation area, or they [unparallel  ] just enjoy arts, movies and TV programs are a good way [word form error  ]to get inspiration [repitition  ] and joy [word form error  ].

To conclude, movies and television have more [ lack of comparison ]positive effects on young people. Young people can acquire news, knowledge, and entertainment through these media. Thus, the concern about negative effects doesn’t make sense [ unclear/rephrase ].

Writing Tips

1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.

Score: 61.7

With the development of the entertainment industry, nowadays, movies and television are necessary for have become a part of young people’s daily life. However, some people say these entertainments may have various negative effects on youngsters. I don’t agree with them. From my perspective, I think movies and television benefit young people. With respect, I disagree.

First, movies and television help young people know what is going on in the world. Youngsters nowadays would [ grammatical error ] quite busy with their studies and work. Thus, many of them don’t have the opportunity to read newspapers carefully as their parents do. However[ misplaced ], through TV programs, they have more chances to get to know the news in their communities. Additionally, thanks to powerful social media, people could get information more quickly and multi-positionally[unclear word  ].

Second, some people always regard movies and TV shows as dramatic plays, but it is not true. Apart from many artistic, dramatic[ dramatic is part of ‘artistic’ ] expressions, there are also many realistic programs. For example, lots of young people are interested in documentaries about history, politics and so on. These programs are more vivid than books and academic essays, while the former are as professional as the latter. Thus, young people can acquire knowledge from these programs as well.

Finally, movies and TV programs inspire young people. As everyone may have already recognized, movies are a kind of art. Many famous directors and actors got inspirations from movies and TV shows when they were young. What is more, art is the reflection of human civilization. No matter for people who work in the creation area, or for those who just enjoy arts, movies and TV programs are ways to get amusement and aesthetics.

To conclude, movies and television have various positive effects on young people. Young people[repetition  ] can acquire news, knowledge, and entertainment through these media. Thus, there is no need for concerning about the negative effects of movies and TV.