Nowadays, people are busy with many things. If you were given a short period of time. what would you choose

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Nowadays, people are busy with many things. If you were given a short period of time. what would you choose

  • adorlo
    University: Southwest University
    Nationality: China
    August 16, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    TOEFL Writing TOPIC: Nowadays, people are busy with many things. If you were given a short period of time. what would you choose :
    1. Learn to play a new sport you never played;
    2. Learn to cook food in a different way;
    3. Learn to do some hand-made work like clothes.

    Under great pressure from major occupation every day, no matter work or study, the new generation of Chinese is trying to keep a more fulfilled and interesting life.Learning new things seems an excellent way.Many prefer to learn to cook or craft, while, speaking for myself, trying a new athletic challenge is obviously a more reasonable choice.

    To begin with, learning to ski has been on my wishlist for a long time. Last year, opening the novel book Whirlwind written by Keigo Higashino, I read about the description of the splendid views of winter in Japan. Particularly, when I read that the hero skis alone through the dense forest, on the shiny frozen lake and down the snow-white hill in slience, endless joy filled my heart as if I had skied with him in these fascinating scenes. That book left a deep impression on me andtriggered my keen interest in skiing. Therefore, time permitting, I am bound to go north and pick up the skiing.

    Plus, it is universally acknowledged thata sport is mentally beneficial. More and more people nowadays are overwhelmed by work or study,as a result of whichthere are quite a number of peoplesuffering from depression. This is because along with the ever-accelerating social development, people are faced with unprecedentedly intensified competition, which exerts heavier pressure on them than before, causes their negative emotions and accounts for mental illness. Under such circumstances,learning a new sport could be an effective way to solve the psychological distress because according to the scientific research, while working out, a hormone called endorphin is released that helps reduce stress and creats a general sense of well being and happiness. Therefore, with the assistance ofendorphin, people improve the mental states by relieving their pressure and adjusting their moods when learning to play a new sport.

    In addition, sports are conducive to physical health as well. Thanks to the highly accessible public transportation and online shopping, citizens become accustomed to the sedentary lifestyle.As a result of a lack ofexercise, obesity is so widespread throughout the new generation. Nevertheless, it is never too late to pick up a new sport and make a difference. One of my friend named Ja, whose weight was once as high as 70 kilos, used to spent most of her time watching TV series and shopping online in her bed. It was when she was diagnosed with obesity that she decided to alter her physical state by learning a new sport. She learned to dance for 2 hours after work every day and stuck to it for a half year, dropping 10 kilos in her weight. Now, not only does she lead a normal life, but also she keeps trying various intriguing sports like swimming and mountain hiking. In this way, she keeps her body always in a healthy physical state.

    In short, judging from the instances and perspectives presented above, learning to play skiing is my unrealized dream and attracts me from time to time. For people of taday who are confronted with mental and physical problems, learning a new sport is an effective way to a solution.

    August 16, 2019 at 9:43 pm

    Score: 57

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten your essay to 320 words;
    • Restrict each paragraph to 85 words.

    I will not work on your essay until you resolve the issues noted above. 

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.